Stuck in a marriage

[sduff04]

Hello, so I have been with my husband for 5 years now. This is hard for me to get out so bare with me. So from the beginning I never felt a spark with my husband. I thought he was atttactive and I stuck around to get to know him. I was attracted to his looks, jobs, humor, etc. I stayed around a bit longer and I think I thought I loved him but I stayed and eventually got married. I always had doubts about my feelings but I stayed and thought I could learn to fall in love with him. He was my best friend.

Fast forward to now. I have absolutely no feelings for him, whatsoever. He feels like a friend and that is it. We used to have sex everyday but for the last couple of months, thinking of having sex with him makes me so anxious. Sometimes when he kisses me I cringe and even his touch now feels weird. I don’t know what to do. I have such negative thoughts and I feel like it’s all coming to a head. I’ve been acting like everything is normal but everything is far from it.

I don’t know what to do. We don’t have any kids. But I do not want to hurt him. Can I develop feelings for him again? Is that possible? Is it possible to stay in a marriage where you are just friends? I am looking for advice and some inch of hope I can fix this.

Maybe I was never in love with him. Maybe we should have been friends instead. But I want to try and make it work before calling it quits.

I am looking for positive and real life experience advice. I don’t believe in divorce, but it seems like it’s my only option.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life unhappy?
It sounds like you know you have never really loved him.
Do both of you a favour and divorce him- before you have children.

Leave now, I should have but have 2 kids now.

I felt this way. I'm now 15 years and two children in and we have had some good times where I've been able to put it to the back of my mind and enjoy what we have, but it's come to the fore again. Please, do not do what I did. I don't regret it as my children are amazing and half him, but I'm living with a friend and having to pretend I feel for him like he does for me. Believe me, it only gets harder and more complicated as time goes on. Do what you know is right for you. He will move on and get over it. That sounds cold, but it's the facts. You can both move on, ultimately without any contact and find fulfilling relationships. Best of luck.

Please be honest with him about how you feel. You don't seem to ever have been in love with him and better a clean break now than further down the line. Best of luck.

How old are you? Is he your first longterm relationship?

Is there anyone else on the scene?

I'd say definitely get out now. You're not stuck, you feel like you are because divorce feels like a huge step and that's understandable. If you stay these feelings will only get worse and if you have kids you'll feel so much more trapped. You can push these feelings down but they'll resurface time and again and eat away at you and your relationship.

It's really hard but you'll be so glad you left if you do it at this point rather than later, I know plenty of people who had a first marriage like this and divorced and found happiness after that.

Why do you say you are stuck?

It sounds as though you'd both be better off apart. You need to be honest with him and start making plans to separate.

If I didn't have a child I would have left

No I’ve had a previous long term relationship for about 3 years when I was young. It was definitely an infatuated driven relationship. Something I didn’t want for my future.

I am also 25 years old.

25 is much too young to be stuck in a marriage, especially if no attraction.

Your brain is still changing and growing which will happen for a few more years.

You settled down really young, was there family pressure?

How are you stuck? Why do you feel you can't leave?

You don't have children? Well done for realising and admitting that you've made a mistake - or just gone off him, it happens - in time to do something about it. Looking back I probably shouldn't have married my exh either but it took me a decade and two children before I worked it out.

@sduff04
OP it's sad that you are in this position but good that you have discovered this whilst you are young and, more importantly, have no children. Having children whilst in this situation which you obviously, don't want to be in, would make things much harder logistically, financially and emotionally.

Before you say anything to him - and it sounds as though you will need to - find out what your financial situation is (talk to Citizens Advice) so that you both have as fair and clean a break as possible when it comes to it. Do this discreetly though - no need to hurt him but you also need to protect yourself.

I hope you can both have a calm and honest discussion when you are ready though, no doubt, he may be shocked. I wonder whether he actually has no inkling though given you say:

So from the beginning I never felt a spark with my husband.

thinking of having sex with him makes me so anxious. [...] Sometimes when he kisses me I cringe and even his touch now feels weird.

You say you want to try and make it work before calling it quits, but haven't you been doing that the last five years?

Best wishes whatever decision you take. 🌹

Many people are not even married at 25. Split now and give both of you the chance to find compatible partner's rather than dragging things on and breaking up later with kids in the mix.

Split. I’m in the same position but with two kids and 21 years of marriage. I see him as nothing more than a friend and regret not taking notice of those niggling feelings years ago.

I'm 13 years and 2 kids further down the line. Now divorcing. Do yourself a favour and end it before kids make it more complicated. You are young. You will meet someone who makes you happy and who you will love.