Would they have a case?

[user1472709746]

I am a SAHM to two preschool aged kids (3 year old and 4 month old). Not married to DP their father. We currently live in a flat owned outright by his family and are not paying rent. This has always been seen as a temporary situation until we got to a better place financially (DP works hard but is not well paid )and could get a mortgage and potentially buy it off them. This will likely be when the kids are in school and I can go back to work.

I have always known I was in a vulnerable position (as I could be asked to leave at anytime) but I considered it a temporary thing that we couldn't avoid so tried not to think about it to much. If we refused their help and rented privately I would have more security obviously as we would have a tenancy agreement but we would need to move to a MUCH smaller flat and have a greatly reduced capacity to save. DP thinks we would be mad to do this.

DPs family have now offered to buy a larger/more suitable for a growing place for us to live in with the same arrangement we have here continuing in the new place. I am very grateful as we could never afford to privately rent these kinds of properties and they are allowing us to raise our young kids in a much nicer home and with a much higher standard of living than we could currently provide for them ourselves.

However the move has caused me to look more seriously at my situation and made it harder to push my lack of security to the back of my mind anymore. I have been playing lots of 'worst case scenario' type fantasies in my mind and can't stop thinking about if we broke up and I have to move out. Would his fam have a case for arguing the kids had to stay in the house without me because its their home?

I have always been their primary caregiver but I can't afford a place like we have now. If we broke up I would be uprooting the kids and taking them to smaller, potentially much more run down, place. Could my DP be made the resident parent if we broke up due to him being allowed too remain in the house and me having to move out and find somewhere else to live?

I have no plans to leave and love DP very much but still can't stop thinking about this scenario and feeling anxious. They have not indicated they would ever try to do this but they are extremely wealthy and could afford an excellent legal team if they did decide to try to keep their grandkids living with their son rather than moving out with me.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with saying, "I feel really vulnerable as I have given up the opportunity to work and progress my career while you are able to do that. I'd feel a lot more secure if we were married."

A civil marriage is exactly the same thing as a civil partnership. There's no mention of God - it's just a contract.

@HollowTalk

I expect he would just say that he understands why I feel that way but I have no reason to worry as he will always support me & DCs and that this is only temporary anyway as I will have a job in a year or so won't be so financially dependent on him and his family for to much longer.

But I have never said anything like that so directly to him so I could be wrong.

I know a couple where this exact situation you are afraid of has happend. The child is 10 and lives very happily with dad. By the time mum got to court, child had been living with dad for a few months and so he was now the main caregiver too x

I'm getting the feeling that you don't want to marry him.
What kind of job can you get? Well-paid?
If not, perhaps you can retrain now if it works around the DC? Online/evening classes etc. Time to be more selfish for your own goals OP.

@ItStartedWithAKiss241

Good to know. Thanks. x

@DianaT1969

I can't get a well paid job straight off the bat. I only had a few years in-between graduating and getting pregnant so haven't built up a strong work history. However I have a good degree and have done some relevant evening courses and freelance work while being a SAHM to improve my CV.

@DianaT1969

I have also done a fair but of volunteeering in relevant roles. Obvs none off those things are the same as having a proper job but its something.

Being married won't help the OP one bit if she's living in a house that her in-laws own and is in their name

@DianaT1969

I will never be able to match his families earning power though which does make me feel slightly powerless re the kids in the event of a spilt.

Let’s say you move to a place you could afford on your own:

-you feel more secure (pro)
-you have to pay rent that you otherwise wouldn’t have to (con)
-your landlord could give you notice at any time (same as the current scenario, altough you’d get 8 weeks with a landlord so a bit longer to find somewhere new)
-you’d have to live somewhere “not as nice” (con)
-if you split your partner’s parents could let your partner move back into the property they own (it they’d rented it out, they could give the new tenants notice to quit) so you’d be in the same situation of your partner having the “nicer” property.

There’s probably other pros and cons you can add. See how it adds up for you.

@HeckyPeck

My initial post was about whether the situation would mean my partner had a case for residency of the kids if we broke up even though I have been the primary caregiver for the last three years.

I don't care if he has a nicer house than me its more about if he gets to stay in the family home and I have to leave would he have a case for keeping the kids there with him even though I do the majority of the childcare and always have.

It seems that he potential would according to some responders.

Even if you were married, they could still kick you out, because it's their house.

Marriage would benefit you as far as marital assets are concerned...the house is not a marital asset.

He would have more of a financial responsibility to you if you split and were married, but as you said...he's not a high earner, so you can't get much if there isn't much to get.

Do you currently have access to money? Is it treated as joint money or his money?

He could go for 50/50 custody...but would he be able to look after them half the time with his working hours?

I would think having suitable accomodation would be an advantage for either party, but it doesn't mean the other parent can't see live with.

For arguments sake if you had a blazing row and he said it's over..
Leave...where would you go?
Family?

@SandyY2K

I would go either of my parents in the short term and look to sorting a private rental.

He would have to rely on childcare and family a lot to care for them. Hen

Money all shared, joint bank accounts, equal spending money etc.

Potentially the op would have the same working hours if they split though as she would need to get a job. If he's a relatively low earner, maintenance will be very low, and even lower if he had them fifty percent of the time. Financially he may be better off if he lives rent free though, as the op will have to pay rent and potentially childcare costs unless family stepped in.

Op, what is it you're qualified to do? And how long have you been out of the workplace?

Sorry op, cross posted, but if you had to go to family and were initially unemployed, how would you survive financially, get a deposit etc, borrow money? And would your children have their own room etc? If you are effectively homeless, unemployed, and in cramped living conditions with family then yes it may be prudent for the kids to stay in the family home. At least until you were settled and employed.

Okay, so you won't be homeless and you're the primary carer. That counts for a lot.

While they're young... I don't see it as such an issue...however if they wete older and have their own bedrooms and a lovely environment as home, they theme children may not be thrilled to move.

That's a very long way off though. By then you'll have a job.

Its also good that you have access to money and that's not an issue.

@Bluntness100

Yes maybe. I'm just scared that I have got myself into a situation where that could be the potential outcome.

It most likely won't happen because we are happy and settled atm but I'm scared of it still and it's kind of tainting the excitement of moving house.