Separation - what do I do

[Needfull1]

Hello all, so in a nut shell, my wife and I have drifted apart, little kids have put a massive wedge and strain. No 3rd parties involved. My wife wanted councelling which we did, but after this she wants to separate, I don't. I can't change how she feels, wish I could, but I want things to work, but she is on another page. We exist as very good parents, but kinda act as house mates now.

I want her to be happy, but I can't help resist her want for separation given potential impact on kids. I have so many emotions running through me rite now, been crying all night, I don't know what to do.

She wants space, but how do I give her space when I don't have anywhere to go? We live in a small house and still share a bed.

Do I shower her with flowers, or do I leave as she wants and forget about the relationship. I know she needs time. I want to scream with anger/frustration but also want to hug and kiss her.

I'm so confused.

Leave her be for now.
Is there anyone you could stay with temporarily?
Have you discussed how separation will work?
I assume you can't afford to run two households.
Give her as much space as you can in the circumstances.
Do your share of chores and co-parent amicably.
You cannot make someone love you.
Work on yourself. Lean on friends and family.

Thanks hellbells,

We've not really discussed how it would work yet, it's a very new thing this separation chat. That will come. IL need to open up to friends and family, no one is aware as yet, that will in turn give me somewhere to stay now and then, can't afford 2 households.

Yes, your rite, I need to leave her be, as hard as it is.

What does 'work on yourself' entail?

You need to find 'yourself'.
What you like doing on your own.
Hobbies.
How you want to look like.
How you want to dress.
Counselling if you need it.

Sorry to hear this.

I think you need to do as she asks at the moment and give her space. It's very hard to let things sink in while you are under the same roof and in the same bed.

It may be that once you are gone she realises she missed you and would like to work on things but it may also confirm that she doesn't want to be part of the marriage any more. Sadly that's a decision only she can make and no amount of flowers will change that.

I agree with working on yourself a little if you can but again, you need space to do that. Who are you away from being a husband and father? What excites you? What do you want from life?

It's always horrible when children are involved but the best thing you can do is not stay together if one or both of you are unhappy and it can't be salvaged but to be the best parents separately that you can be and come together when you need to for their sakes.

My separation from my husband was unexpected and horrible but we co-parent and our children have never seen us anything other than civil to one another. They know we both love them and we have a stable routine where they see a lot of both of us. They are happy and doing well so it's not all doom and gloom and not all kids from separated homes are going to be damaged.

I like to think our home is happy and thriving...not broken.

Wishing you all the best x

Leave and stay with friends or family.

Talk to your wife about money and how you are going to care for your young children. I assume that you will want to have your children for 50% off the time. How is that going to work and where will you live?

Do you need to talk to your employer about going part time, so you can fit work around your children ?

Do you need to take an evening job on the days you don’t have the children ?

You need to stop thinking about flowers amnd your own feelings and start focussing on your children, who are the priority here.

Thanks all for your responses, it's appreciated

How much do you help in the home? Does she have to nag to get anything done? Do you not “see” what needs to be done ie clean up, dish washing, vacuuming, laundry, kids stuff etc or is all the physical and mental load on her? If not, that in itself can kill things for her. Step it up and keep it up. A real change not a temporary.

How old are the children? Does your wife work?

Can you go stay at your moms or friends for a couple of weeks?

Hi Mystery Mom, I do my fair bit around the house, and not shy of house work at all. Kids are 5 and 2. She does work, but from home so is in alot which I don't thinks helps. Anyway, as others have said, it's space she wants so space she will get. How I'm going to do that I'm not quite sure but working on that. Thanks for posting