Happy marriage minus sex

[Athomesweeping]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

So we've been married for close to 20 years, 2 amazing kids (both primary) , lovely house, both careers going well, usual up and downs but generally everything is fine and dandy!

Except... For most of those 20 years I've had a very low sex drive. Well no that's a lie I've had a low sex drive for my partner. I don't find them sexually attractive.

Something happened recently that made me decide I needed to do something about this. Given that I can't find my partner more attractive I tired to help them with their manual and oral technique... To no avail both in terms of end result and also made us both feel awful (me more so)

I realise that it's a bit late after nearly 20 years to be worrying and trying to do something... But I've always looked at this as the benifits out weighing the costs.

But recently I've seen an acquaintance condem themselves to 10 (more) years in a loveless marriage for the sake of their kids, and I though how awful it was when they both had a chance to cut their losses and find someone to be happy with.

I hate that everything else is great but I'm looking at this one aspect and thinking we're still young enough to find complete happiness. I don't know if I can break up our happy family just because my partner dosent turn me on or make me cum.

Feeling very down and lost about it.

Have you considered a sex therapist? I can't vouch for the way they work or if they could even help here, but it definitely sounds like you should explore every option before pulling the plug. How does DH feel about the situation? Is there room for an "arrangement"?

Sex is a huge driving force in our lives. Without it we simply would not have evolved as we have, so for most of us a life without it is too horrible to contemplate. Along with good sex goes all the other stuff, like physical closeness. Do you still hug, kiss, touch, etc., outside of your limited sex life? I certainly would not be able to function well in a relationship if there wasn't that physical connection.

Therefore, I don't think that there is anything wrong with you to want a decent sex life. If you don't do something about your situation, this is as good as it will ever be, and downhill is the only path.

That leaves stark choices: you have tried to sort it yourself with no success, so it's either bring in an expert, or enter into some sort of arrangement whereby you are able to find sexual satisfaction outside the marriage. I reckon the second option is much more difficult, but whichever route you choose you must have the backing of your partner, and that sounds like it might be a stumbling block.

I wish you all the very best.

Athomesweeping - yes, it does seem very odd after 20 years suddenly to be worrying about it. Why was sex comparatively unimportant to you before, but now it's suddenly important? You don't sound unhappy with your life at all. And wtf so you mean by complete happiness?! Do you really think divorcing, living in separate houses, expecting your children to move from house to house, will bring complete happiness? It will merely bring different pleasures and different pains, and from your children's perspective, I should imagine it will be predominantly painful, since they will never have any interest whatsoever in your sex life and you have no guarantee you will ever find someone whose benefits outweigh everything you are disrupting and giving up.

And I'm not sure what a loveless marriage has to do with your situation, either, given that you have not described your situation as loveless.

You haven't even said your marriage is unhappy. It's like you've been perfectly happy for 20 years and are now suddenly asking yourself whether you should be.

My marriage isnt loveless but it is sexless its really hard to explain to people as i sometimes want sex but i just cant do it and my husband doesnt want it at all because hes used to it. We only have one child because you cant have any more when your not having sex. When we conceived we had sex every couple of days for about 4 weeks that was the only time in 12years we've have regular sex. After baby was born i breastfeed for a year the baby didnt sleep for 5years i had ond and my husband had a serious health problem i was them in hopsital then unrelated was told i have a rare pain disorder. I want to have sex to have another child and i asked him do u want to but sexless forever and he said i want to be with you and anyone else. Its a real mess that i dont know want we do x

I’m in this boat too. I don’t find mine sexually attractive either and haven’t done for years. It’s tough. We have a young child too though who has some needs which are best met by us staying together.

We have love and laughs but the sexual side has died. It’s quite sad but you can’t magic up sexual attraction.

We maybe have sex twice a year and usually when we have been out drinking which says everything.

Sigh!

But i just dont get why it died i still feel it but he doesnt we have been through a lot which has showed our bed sides guess it could be that

Gr8scott thats a difficult situation for both of you. It seems that your desire for sex with him is so infrequent that the only way for the marriage to survive was for him to suppress his libido towards you entirely. Perhaps he is borderline asexual which made this possible. Does he masturbate at all?

Not that i know off but he has had a illness and may have lowered his sex drive. I know married couples that fight all the time dont spend time togther and have sex we are best friends are togther loads talk every day during the day and dont have sex is our relationship worse?

Gre8scott, identical situation here too, except H is bothered and I am not. I’ve never been that bothered after first 3 years in all 3 long term marriages/relationships I’ve had . Problem is I find however much you know it’s important, if you don’t feel like it, it’s hard to just put yourself in that mindset. It’s not just him, I don’t think that if it was George clooney I would be bothered either. Am mid 50s now .

Same situation here - my wife's libido diminished to zero over the last 10 years to the point where we just ended up having duty sex to keep me happy which I hated, so we hardly ever have sex at all now and when we do it's passionless.

Because of this, and the living like house mates that followed, I no longer see my wife as a sexual being and no longer find her sexually attractive. I have a strong sex drive, but no longer desire her sexually as her lack of desire for me and constant rejection just killed it for me.

We're having therapy to try and ave the marriage but I struggle to see how it will help.

Not a marriage without sex, is it.

I feel for you... sounds like you are both settling tbh.

Do you really beleive that? That its not a marriage unless you have sex?
Iif i left and met someone else 1 it wouldnt be my husband and id miss him so much and 2 id have to have sex with someone else and i wouldnt want to do that.

Yes, I do believe that. It's where you make that deep, deep intimate connection you have with no one else. It sounds naff written down.

Of course it's still a marriage - it's only if it has never been "consummated" that anyone can attempt to argue otherwise (ie you have never, ever had sex at any point during the entire duration of the marriage).

Legally yes, but who is content to live like that? Only asexual people, I suppose.

I cant explain it or do i want to. I dont want to live ithout my husband but sex isnt something i enjoy often actually i think people that do enjoy it a lot are werid. I dont understand the worlds obsession with it and i never have

RiversDisguise - it really depends what you mean by "live like that." Living without regular penetrative sex, living without any penetrative sex, living without any sexual contact whatsoever, living without any kissing or cuddling or hand holding? What exactly are you imagining?