Happy marriage minus sex

[Athomesweeping]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

So we've been married for close to 20 years, 2 amazing kids (both primary) , lovely house, both careers going well, usual up and downs but generally everything is fine and dandy!

Except... For most of those 20 years I've had a very low sex drive. Well no that's a lie I've had a low sex drive for my partner. I don't find them sexually attractive.

Something happened recently that made me decide I needed to do something about this. Given that I can't find my partner more attractive I tired to help them with their manual and oral technique... To no avail both in terms of end result and also made us both feel awful (me more so)

I realise that it's a bit late after nearly 20 years to be worrying and trying to do something... But I've always looked at this as the benifits out weighing the costs.

But recently I've seen an acquaintance condem themselves to 10 (more) years in a loveless marriage for the sake of their kids, and I though how awful it was when they both had a chance to cut their losses and find someone to be happy with.

I hate that everything else is great but I'm looking at this one aspect and thinking we're still young enough to find complete happiness. I don't know if I can break up our happy family just because my partner dosent turn me on or make me cum.

Feeling very down and lost about it.

Oh bless you. That is a tricky one. I'd probably stay but i know most would walk away probably. It's deciding which is most important to you I guess.

Open up your marriage?
Works for some people and can solve both issues...
First - it’s unfair to deprive him of sex for 20 years because you don’t find him attractive.
Second - because it’ll allow both of you to preserve the non-physical side of your marriage while allowing you BOTH to fulfil your physical needs in a way that doesn’t threaten your relationship

Have you discussed going to get some counselling? Relate are good for this sort of thing.

"Complete happiness" is a myth. There are always compromises. Before your marriage, have you ever been in a relationship where you were strongly physically attracted to the man? Since being married have you found yourself attracted to other men? It could be you are just naturally attracted to such a small subset of men you might never find such a man if you left your husband.

If you've been married for twenty years and your DC are primary age, that means you must have been married for the better part of a decade before you had children. Why did you stay if there was no complication of potentially breaking up a family?

Can I ask why you are playing the pronoun game?

And why do you thibk you feel worse than your partner who you've basically told you don't fancy and that they are shit at sex?

I disagree woth pp who thinks you shoukd open up your marriage so you can have sex with people you fancy while remaining with your spouse.

We had a sexless marriage for the last couple of years (apart from one or two occasions) because of DH's ill health. We loved each other enough to get through it, but he was living with a terminal diagnosis rather than just a mismatched libido. He was keen to have sex, but couldn't. It did frustrate us both, but there wasn't anything we could do about it.

It's a difficult one. Ultimately it depends on whether your love and respect for each other is strong enough to outweigh the frustration.