Parents and adult children moving forward...

[XingMing]

How do parents tell their technically adult children who didn't take the expected path to university that it's time they look for a way forward and move out so parents can step back? There's no fight to excite here because we are close, but we were elderly parents and have a late teen son (decent A levels) who is finding it hard to leave home (no clear direction yet), and it's time for him to fly the nest and have adventures. As we did leave at 18, never to return home full time (the 70s), how does it happen in 2019? (Good work ethic, money saved... everything is ready to press the button)

Art and animation, film and TV, food (he is teaching culinary arts in SS and has worked as a chef), skiing, politics... he has a good hand of cards to play, but is jumbled about how best to start. A levels in English, despite severe dyslexia, maths and physics. He's equipped to tackle most fields, but is struggling to choose which way to go. He's keen to move on, and is not being pushed out. He'd like to choose well.

If its not too cheeky to ask, what age are you op?

Leave him to it. He doesn't have to decide now anyway. Most people aren't doing the same thing aged 19 and 25.

If he is your only child why don't ye pay for him to go to university so he won't have debt?
Could he see a careers advisor who might steer him in a good direction?
Usually universities made provision for dyslexia so maybe finding out which ones are supportive might be a start. O those with dyslexia lact confidence to take that step although they are often quite talented in various areas.

My eldest left home eight years ago...she loves her life and anybody would agree she’s made a huge success of it, however - I miss her hugely. Hugely. If I were you I’d think more about stepping back now whilst he is still at home and enjoy it as once he’s gone it will truly never be the same. You say there’s friction between husband and him - maybe discuss the fact he does not have to fight to be alpha male, he already is! Your son sounds like he isn’t disrespectful or taking the mick so just draw back and begin worrying less/focusing on your life more. This will give him opportunity to go at his pace, you sound like a really caring Mum who wants what is best for him but leaving when you are ready as an individual is what is best. Whichever decade, this is the same!

Hmm...ski season as a chef, 3d design, data sciences, cyber security.

He should think about what he's good at/loves, what opportunities are out there that he can get paid for. Pick 2-3 fields and research careers in them. Find people to talk to about how to get into them etc. Work experience in a couple of areas/look for apprenticeships. Has he looked here:

www.ucas.com/ucas/after-gcses/find-career-ideas/explore-jobs

All good thoughts there, Funday. He's seriously considering a chalet season this winter after summer camp, if he doesn't find a university option that thrills him. And thank you for the link, I'll read it and forward it to him.

We're in our mid-60s, and yes, we shall contribute to university costs if that's what he decides, but he needs to actively want to follow a course of study that is of real interest to him, or he won't make the most of it. He likes the idea of art school, but has no portfolio yet (working one up) and questions whether he has enough innate talent.

Hmmmm science A levels suggest he'd be good in tech, developing an art portfolio suggest creative, interested in films - Digital Media degree? www.surrey.ac.uk/undergraduate/digital-media-arts

DB did science A Levels followed by an Art Foundation. He floundered as he felt he was very behind and that everyone was much more talented. In reality he is more of an Illustrator.

Over seas volunteering? for a year?

It's a thought Sally, but it's not one he's going to take up. His view on work eliminates anything that requires dealing with the old and sick, from about 8. He doesn't have a care/public service/do-good mind set. He would have done his DoE Gold building dry stone walls or gardening for the NT with his hands to dodge working with people. Picky customers he can manage, but not needy people. No emotional stuff.

Not all emotional ...Maybe something like teaching english to kidsin China (some of my friends did that) or an archeological dig or research work or even teaching coding and basic computer skills...Deck hand on a ship ...there are a million and one things to do if you can narrow down a specific interest or talent that could benefit others as well as learning independance and to grow...!8 is still very young ..looking back I had no clue where I wanted to be career wise at that age...some people are ready for work or an adventure others need to be nurtured more and allowed to grow at their own pace...My son is 28 and has a brilliant job,,he travels the globe on holidays and has the finances to do as he pleases..however he still lives at home! His partner has tried so many times to get him to buy a house with him but alas no...not yet! My fiercely independant,educated,slightly odd globetrotting son just is so not going anywhere!!!! which is kind of cool to me still as he appears to still like me,like my food .like my washing machine and comes and goes as he wishes....Please dont set limits let him lead you ..my son has the finances and everything in place I would have wished for him but ask him ever about where he sees home and he always says I am home! And thats fine by me! There really is no rush.