I’m happier when he’s not around

[IMissGin]

We’ve been together almost 5yrs, have dc 2 and my dc 8 from previous relationship. He’s recently started a new job and has been travelling a bit. He’s been away a few nights last week and again this week since Sunday. I don’t really miss him, it’s been calm and peaceful. When I travel for work I come back and the house is a tip and he regularly tells me I’m lazy around the house but actually it’s been better these 2 weeks than it ever is. I even feel like my anxiety isn’t as bad and I’m sleeping better. I can’t even pinpoint anything specific to explain it, it’s just his energy. He works hard and does his fair share of domestic stuff and the kids but somehow doing it alone feels easier. He’s back tomorrow and I’m so confused about my feelings

Sounds an unpleasant situation. How about some quiet time to talk with him about his moods and treatment of you? Like adults.

We don’t manage to talk very well without it escalating. He sees everything as criticism so is straight on the defensive. I can’t even pin point what my issue is, he just makes me tense.

Hmm.. I think it’s quite normal to enjoy the peace and quiet.

My OH is currently away. I enjoy the time to myself but I don’t dread him coming home at all. I do things around the house which I’m excited for him to see when he gets home.

There's something going on in the background. It doesn't sound as though he's happy to be home, and you're not happy to have him home either. Not ideal. Maybe he's used to living in hotels and having everything done for him, but when he gets home you're busy and he misses the attention?

He doesn’t stay away a lot, just these last few week. I travel way more than he does so I don’t think it’s that. There’s just an odd atmosphere. He seems to have missed us and is excited to come back. I’m just not fussed. I wasn’t expecting to feel this way at all.

I spent 20 years with a man who made me (and later me and the kids) walk on eggshells. He worked away for weeks and then was back for weeks. He was aggressive, abusive, controlling and it was great when he wasn't there. The kids and I could relax and have some semblance of a happy, normal life. When he was home it was back to walking on eggshells, thinking about how to word things so as not to make it escalate and basically being a complete no self-esteem/n confidence doormat who did whatever was needed to keep the peace (even the kids knew not to rock the boat with him and came to me not him with worries, problems etc) . After 20 years he told me he was leaving, and do you know what the first thing I felt was - sheer and utter relief.

If you have any of these feelings when your partner is in your environment, it won't get any better I promise you (I waited 20 years to see if it would - and it didn't). If when he leaves you feel relief, I think it's safe to say that you would be better on your own. You already know you can do it as you do it when he is away! Life is too short to be spent agonising over another person who cannot control their emotions/communicate effectively/is at fault and then tries to blame you for it. I have been single 2 years and I'm happier now then I ever was when I was married.

Maybe you're unhappier in the relationship than you realised previously. If you prefer life without him, then something's awry.

I need to give it some thought I guess and pay more attention when he’s back to what it is that is giving me that knot in my stomach