I don’t know whether to go no contact with my Dad.

[MultipleMum5]

My dad has had an anger problem all of his life. He screamed at me as a teenager, in my twenties, and last week told me to f*ck off several times when I challenged him about the way he speaks to my children. He has often told them off in a very angry manner and made them cry, and reminds me so much of how I was dealt with as a child.

He has treated my mum the same way over the years, ‘flipping’ for no reason and not speaking to her for days until he’s over one of his episodes. She has never challenged him, because he will not confront his behaviour. He was abused as a child, and it is clear that he has a lot of issues because of this, and for this reason I feel really sorry for him :-(.

But like I said it came to a head last week when he snapped at my 6yo for no reason(he wasn’t even being naughty in this instance)- I said later on that I wanted to chat to him about how he speaks to my kids, but he flew into a rage. A few days later he came round to apologise, but said it was because of my children’s challenging behaviour that he speaks to them the way he does, that he doesn’t have an anger problem, that I should ‘shelve’ my feelings about how he has talked to us all before and again brought up the abuse he suffered, playing the victim in all of this, I feel.

It’s happened so many times over the years, these episodes where he just flips. I just can’t do it anymore. But I love him and I love my mum- although I’m also cross with her too because for the most part, she defends his behaviour saying he’s screwed up inside.

I know I need time and space but don’t know how when I’m so angry and hurt with him. He has said he will go to his gp which my mother is clinging to.

Thank you again for your replies. They have been really helpful.

My mum came round to talk face to face last night, to ask if I would meet him face to face. I told him the purpose of meeting, for me, will be to tell him I can’t forgive him, but I can move on if there are not further angry episodes, for the sake of the kids. I will tell him if there is anymore, our relationship will come to an end. My mum is certain that he’s seen the error of his ways (after 40 years of this behaviour in their marriage) and will never abuse her again. I think this is very naive and I worry she won’t tell me if he continues with his rages. But I know that is her choice, I just hate the thought of her suffering alone. It’s a confusing place to be in because I also feel frustrated with her that she hasn’t ever challenged him and thus enabled him in a way.

I’m not looking forward to meeting him because I’m kind of expecting him to say something hurtful again (all the apologetic stuff has been passed on by my mum). I told her if he doesn’t at least take responsibility, I can’t move on.

I think you are doing the right thing in giving him a chance. But it will be hard for him to change after being like this for decades.

However the problem is that his behaviour is ruining lives - yours, your mums and now your kids. You don’t wanna your kids to think it’s normal to walk on egg shells. What kind of legacy is he leaving behind?

I’m hoping zippey that I can break the cycle. It’s totally unacceptable. It does break my heart that associate him with a lot of bad memories growing up 😞. But my kids do love him, and so do I. He’s getting one last chance and that’s because of the kids, if it was just me I’d be done I think. I have lost all respect for him. I will also be putting some damage control measures in place, ie they won’t be in his care without me or my husband there, which is pretty sad.

Yes, you have kind of given your mum a reason to cover for him, make excuses and hide his bad behaviour from you.

Anyway, as you have decided to give him a final warning, I would explain very VERY CLEARLY in plain language exactly what you mean by 'any more angry episodes'.

e.g. If you say something like ' you mustn't lose your temper with the dcs he will always have a get out clause. (i didn't lose my temper - I just raised my voice because dc wasn't listening/ am I not supposed to tell them off if they are being naughty? /I was just explaining to the dc what he was doing wrong/ why do you think you can tell me how to speak to people in my own house etc).

Instead you'll need to spell out what crosses the line for you to him and his enabler your mum e.g. you mustn't lose your temper with the dcs or with anyone else in their presence. That means you must not raise your voice above normal talking volume to them or anyone else around. You must not use any personal insults to anyone including X,Y, Z. You mustn't swear at or around anyone. etc etc

Anything less clear

I intend on being very clear haffdonga. Thankyou for your advice. What do you mean when you say I have kind of given my mum a reason to cover for him? Do you mean by giving him another chance?

I meant that your mum wont want you to cut contact with your dad because she will miss out on having the family together and seeing your dcs in her home. So if your dad loses his temper she will want to cover for him and minimise his behaviour in order to keep you and the dcs in contact and visiting.

Oh I see. Yes I know 😞. The way she has minimised everything so far has made it so much worse. Plus I don’t know how she can live her life like that.

It's a difficult one. I think I'd probably opt for low contact but I'm probably a wuss! Don't think the holiday's a good idea though, he is bound to lose it at some point and it will all blow up. Especially if you're in the same living space. Separate hotel rooms might be ok as you have much more limited and public space contact.