completely obsessed with my ex, and therapy has not helped. It’s not an “I want him back” sort of obsession. Let me try to explain.
I only dated this guy for about 9 months. I fell in love, he pretended to be really into me, but he was just conning me. He was subtly abusive throughout the relationship but towards the end the abuse became overt -- he raped me, he racially abused me and he was EXTREMELY emotionally abusive. When I’d entered the relationship I was this bright, active woman with hopes and dreams. By the time the relationship ended, I was broken physically and emotionally. I was also pregnant.
My pregnancy was unplanned. We were using condoms and I still got pregnant. When I told him about the pregnancy he started being racist to me. I am mixed West African/white British. He is Pakistani. Throughout the relationship he’d brought up my “race” in virtually every sentence he uttered. He’d say stuff like “it’s not normal for a black girl to live in a posh flat like this” “Since when did black girls shop at Waitrose”-- just weird little comments like that constantly.
His immediate reaction to learning I was pregnant was to ignore me for 9 days, then ask to come over to see me to talk. He arrived wasted on drugs, raped me, and then stormed out.
I called the police but then didn’t have the heart to see him arrested and refused to give the police his full name and details.
He wormed his way back into my life by promising he was off the drugs. He stayed off drugs for only about 2 weeks. In fact at one point he said “I thought I’d get us some cocaine to do together” -- knowing I was pregnant. [I don’t do drugs at all].
All this time he kept saying stuff like “I like you, but I never intended on spending my entire life with a black girl.” He would also drop lines like “Everybody’s racist!” and then follow that up with screaming the N-word.
By this time my self-esteem was so low that I just put up with it.
He’d be hot and cold-- reasonably affectionate to me one minute, and then treating me like absolute shit the next. One day I was his ‘girlfriend’, the next day he’d say “you’re just my special friend. My willy likes you but my heart and mind doesn’t.”
One day he showed up and said he wanted us to build a future together. The next morning he texted me saying “I just said that because I was feeling really horny and wanted to get your knickers off LOL. Not sure you should have this kid as I don’t really want it.”
A week later he emailed me to say he’d just met a Muslim girl who he considers “wife material” and that I’ll have to get an abortion as my pregnancy is distracting him from focusing on her.
That’s the last time I ever heard from him.
My daughter is now 9 months old.
He is 41. I’m late 30s.
I’m not very experienced I guess I’m a real introvert. It’s very, very rare for me to even sleep with anyone (he was the 4th person I ever slept with). There was no closure as I’m sure is obvious from this post.
I HATE him. But I feel I’m obsessing over him and why he did what he did and how somebody can not give a flying f*ck about their only child (she is his only child).
Just before the “relationship” ended, I was so concerned about his increasingly weird, demonic behaviour that I reached out to a girl I know he was once seriously involved with, just to try to find out whether he has a history of being abusive. She had been the one to dump him and she’s totally moved on so I did not see any reason for her to have an axe to grind. What she said about his shocked me to my core. He is VERY dangerous and did some things to her I can’t even mention here. She considers him to be a sociopath. In fact her first words to me were “Run!”
I honestly feel like I was touched by evil and I’m not having any success shaking it off.
I’ve had 9 months of therapy in total can’t afford any more right now. It’s barely helped at all. I am just about able to function in my work and as a mother, but that’s it. I’m broken mentally, spiritually, emotionally.
The man was soooo sadistic and I was like a damn lamb to the slaughter.
I remember him once lying in bed next to me saying: “It’s such a shame you’re black otherwise I could have married you” over and over again