Help, bored and lonely and selfish

[bonniej]

DH keeps telling me I should count my blessings and I know I should. I have a nice home and a lovely 15 year old ds and a 15 month old dd. I am just SO BORED. I'm a SAHM but have always worked full time prior to dd. I don't know any other mums in the area and don't have anything to do during the day. DH works all the time and has to go to bed at 8pm so evenings are even more dull. I haven't got any family to visit or anything like that so I am always on my own. It's Friday night and DH is in bed again. It might as well be Monday night as every day is the same. I feel selfish for moaning and know a lot of people have real problems but I am so miserable and drinking too much out of boredom. Any ideas to make life a little bit more fun???

Oh dear so sorry to hear you're fed up. There are loads of places to go to meet friends with a baby!! your DD is just getting to the age when she could start swimming, toddler groups, tumbletots, singing groups etc etc etc. If all else fails there are some lovely people here
Keep your chin up!! Where do you live?

Why does he have to go to bed at 8pm? I have learned to survive on about 6 hours sleep a night and it can be done - your body adjusts.

Poor you - it does sound awful. Could you not (ahem) take advantage of his early nights?

Hi poppyseed, thanks for replying. I live in Blackpool and have signed up for tumbletots but that's not starting until next Tuesday. I was so exited about that as it will be the only thing in my week I have to look forward to. I know it's up to me to go off and do things but I don't drive and find it quite hard to get places. I used to be a confident person in the workplace but I'm finding it hard as a mum to go into new situations. There are a couple of mother and toddler groups nearby but they're on when dd has her nap and she can be a real nightmare if she doesn't get that! I'm really nervous about going to tumble tots but will pluck up the courage. It just seems that every one else has friends and an active social life and I'm starting to feel a bit weird that I don't

Oh Bonnie, I'm so sorry you're feeling alone. Where do you live? Stopping work is a huge life change and it can be very hard to make new, non-work friends. If your DD is 15 months, you could try going to some activity groups with her, like Tumble Tots, Monkey Music, etc. I did these sorts of things with DS (now 2.5) and although singing infant songs every week made me want to jump off a cliff sometimes, it was a good way to meet a few people (we moved out of London when I was PG and I didn't know a soul here). Most of them were not that exciting, but I did make 2 good friends that way.

We have a swing park nearby and again, although going there every day made me feel a bit like a sad stalker looking for friends, I kept at it until eventually I had made another couple of friends (they couldn't shake me off . Now whenever I see new people there I always go and say hello as I remember how lonely I felt.

I personally find the whole NCT mums coffee morning arrangements really make me cringe as I never seem to have much in common (other than a baby) with the other mums, but over the last 2 years I have managed to find these 3 or 4 people on the same wavelength as me and it's made the world of difference. After DS was born I was so lonely I got quite depressed, but now I have DD (4 months) I feel much more supported.

If you're feeling a bit trapped in the role of SAHM, os there any way you cld carve out some time alone for yourself? Go to gym and put DD in creche, for example? Or if she goes to nursery, maybe even a part time job?

Hate thinking of you feeling all lonely. Do you ever get the chane to go out with DH for an evening? A lot of my friends have a regular "date night" with their DHs/DPs. Sounds unromantic, but then who manages much spontaneous romance with young kids around?!

Tanzie, my dh is one of those people who need loads of sleep (for some reason!) he always has and he's in the wrong job really cos he has to get up at 2.45am. He's only getting about 7 hours if he goes at 8pm and he usually needs at least 10. I think he's got a mild form of that sleeping disease. If he sits on the sofa for more than 10 minutes he's fast asleep!!

presumably if Dh is in bed at 8pm there would be nothig to stop you going out in the evenings occasionally? Could you sign up for an evening class? You'll meet new people who have a similar interest to you.
Or do an aerobics class? Look in your local paper for more mother and baby classes - they cant all be run at the same time as your DD naps. Can she not nap in her pushchair anyway and then you can go and chat to the other mums (even better!!)
What about you local branch of the NCT?

there are mumsnet meet ups on here, you could always start a thread in your area if there isnt one already. try going to other groups as well as tumble tots. finding any excuse to go out with dd sometimes saves my sanity even if its just around the block. maybe part time work, even if its just one day a week? do you have many friends?

Lulupop, I always seem to feel more lonely when I take dd to the park as everyone else seems to be with someone. My sister stayed with me for a month recently before she emigrated (she's gone to the Bahamas) and it was lovely as she has 4 children. We used to all go out together and my dd had lots of company. I think that's making it worse now she's gone and me and dd are doing those things on our own. I feel really guilty as dd needs friends and I know I should be doing more to find her some!

I am sure that when DD's nap time changes you'll be able to go to the toddler groups. It's a shame you can't drive...I take that for granted really. Our DS is nearly 17 months and their routine changes so fast I am sure that she will soon fit in with the social life that you demand!! Have you tried your local library too? Ours does a book club once a month that has let me meet some super people. Bite the bullet and go for it!!
Sorry I'm not closer - I'm in Leicestershire.

mckenzie, evening classes would be a good idea. I have a few friends from work days and we go out occassionally but not many. We moved up here five years ago from London and I loved it when I was working but now I want to move back but can't because ds is settled and has loads of friends. An evening course would be a good idea and I'll definately look into that. DD goes to bed at 7.30pm so that wouldn't be a problem. I do have nights out with DH (who is a really good DH, I should add) but I still need more of a life, really. I know I sound whingey just feeling a bit down tonight. My sister was my only family left and now she's emigrated I'm missing her terribly.

I'm a little bit scared of toddler groups to be honest, I've been told they can be a bit clicky (sp). I suppose I use dd's nap time as a bit of an excuse not to go.

Sounds like you're a bit down because of your sister to me . I don't have family nearby either and miss the closeness they bring.

Yes, I do miss my sister and feel quite jelous when I see other mums with their families. I lost my mum when I was 8 and my dad five years ago so my sister was like my mum to me (she's older). I know it's up to me to do things with dd but I find it really hard to get started. If I could just find another mum to have a coffee with occasionally or go to the park with I'm sure me and dd would be much happier. I do feel like a useless parent sometimes My sis used to go to all the mother and baby groups in her area and had loads of friends.

i went to a couple of tumble tots before they broke up for the summer. starting again monday. i was quite scared of going as i was afraid the other mums would be a bit funny with me as Im only 20. but TBH i was too busy chasing after dd who was having a great time running from one thing to a next. im hoping these next few weeks now that its back on, ill be able to talk to some of the other mums if they dont get scared by my age lol

tammybear, what exactly happens at tumble tots? I was told to wear flat shoes and dress dd in leggings and T shirt as it's quite energetic but don't really know what to expect. How long does it last? I'd like to go in knowing what I'm letting myself in for

Do you have any neighbours that have small children?

it runs for just an hour. they have two breaks through it where everyone sits in a circle and you sing a couple of action songs like row row row your boat and incy wincy spider. they have loads of climbing frames and things like that to encourage children's balance etc. there are little slides, tunnels and trampolines, and they change every week so its something new for them. they run around with no shoes or socks on, and trousers or leggings are best as they may end up on their knees a lot. dd loves it

I do have one neighbour but her youngest is a lot older than mine. None of the other neighbours have children the same age as my dd and tbh most keep themselves to themselves. It's a shame that you can live near the same people for five years and not know anything about them except their names.

Oh tammybear that sounds great, and just what dd needs. Hopefully they'll be some nice mums there I can make friends with. DD's just discovered how to climb (onto the sofa) so that sounds perfect for her

Sounds like a case for a mumsnetter meet up imo!! Why don't you see if anyone is in your area?

I'd love to meet up with any mumsnetters who live in blackpool but I don't think there are any. Please email me if there are any who are nearby and fancy a meet up

go on the mumsnet meet ups thread and post a thread, people who live in your area would respond

I don't know of any I'm afraid as I've only been on mumsnet this summer. Why not start a thread of your own in the meet up topic section? Good luck, I'm sure that someone will reply....

Sorry Tammybear posts crossed - good advice though hey!?

thanks for the tip tammybear and thanks for everyones support. I was feeling particularly low tonight but didn't really expect anyone to respond. You lot are great!!