Why is it so hard going no contact with an abusive ex

[forgotmynameagain87]

I left my ex and moved into a refuge as he was emotionally abusive. He has a history of restraining orders, harassment and stalking. I have started the freedom program and see all of the different behaviours he does to control and he fits the abuser profile perfectly. The problem is that I miss him terribly and still love him, as he wasn't all bad (otherwise I would have left much sooner). In a way I wish she was being nasty now to make it easier for me, but he's not and being nice and kind. I know the facts, i'm not stupid, but why am I finding it so hard to detach from him and the dream he sold me.

I have now gone no contact, but resisting the urge to message is hard and I need some extra support.

You are in love with who you thought he was. The lovely partner who treats you well.

You also have this hope that that that person actually exists and he will go back to being that person and you will live happily ever after.

Problem is, that person doesn’t exist. And it’s that imaginary person you are missing.

Well done on getting away.

That’s my theory anyway.

I’m in exactly the same boat. No advice but I know how hard it is. I’m heartbroken x

Hey
I know exactly how you are feeling. I’ve been there with my now ex many, many times. I know that heart wrenching pain of missing them and thinking that you love them but it’s actually not real. I used to sit in the bath and cry every evening, my consumed my thoughts constantly.
You are missing the man who only chooses to be kind and loving when it suits him and his needs, when he’s trying to suck you back in which is what he’s doing now.
I suggest writing a list of every time he has emotionally abused you and the things he has said, think about how he made you feel and how much he hurt you. Turn that pain into anger, how dare somebody treat you that badly, what gives them the right to cause you pain, turn that anger into strength, enough strength to stay away from him and heal yourself. He will NEVER change no matter how many promises he makes but I’m sure you know this already.
If I was you I’d come off social media and change my phone number. Get busy and do things, leave your phone and go for a long walk, sit in the park and watch the ducks, talk to other people sitting on a park bench about random nonsense.
Get to your GP and come clean, tell them everything. Sometimes it takes the look on an outsiders face for it to hit home how badly you have been treated and how he has manipulated and conditioned your mind to think that ‘it isn’t that bad’ and constantly make excuses for his vile behaviour. Ask for therapy.
I’m a couple of weeks out of my abusive relationship. I tried to end the relationship around 7 times but he sucked me back in every time. He was Mr Perfect for a month or so then gradually went back to being an angry and abusive man. It’s called the cycle of abuse.
I don’t miss him this time, I certainly don’t love him, the thought of him anywhere near me turns my stomach. Previous break ups with him had me in tears, constantly consumed with jealousy that he was with another woman, missing him, wanting him back, constantly waiting for him to text or call me. Not this time! I feel calm and happy, I changed my phone number, I have gone no contact with friends I have made through him. I have started therapy. I didn’t love him, I was codependent. Google it and see if you tick the boxes.
Please, please stay strong and start getting angry! You deserve so much better from a partner. We deserve to be treated with respect.

I understand where you are coming from. They are notoriously hard to stop loving. The reason for this is their ‘cycle’ of abuse. In between it they seem to be the perfect partner. That’s what we cling onto and that’s what we find hard to let go. I had to master the art in my mind of everytime I missed him that I would make myself remember all the days/nights that were so awful, all the nastiness he spewed when he was angry and the walking on eggshells.

It’s tough but it gets better.

You're all spot on. I need to write a list and keep going over it. I'm reading a book too, which I think is helping a little. It's like an addiction. I know he doesn't love anyone really, but himself and he has made me feel guilty for leaving him, as he knows I struggle with guilt and second guess things. He's manipulated me so much.

Yes it is an addiction and like any addiction you have to go through withdrawal which is what you are doing now. If you go back he will eventually break you and you will hit rock bottom, I did last year after my ex shouted abuse at me for 30 minutes whilst I was driving (he was accusing me of wearing make up to attract other men) I had to pull over because I was shaking and crying so much. I spent 2 days after that walking around in a daze like a zombie, the confusion I felt was over loading my brain. Nobody deserves that. Don’t hit rock bottom, get out now! You are in a safe place where you may be able to open up to other women who have been in your situation. Support, talking and occasionally a stern word with yourself when you are wavering is what you need. Do NOT feel guilty, you are not responsible for him, you are only responsible for yourself

Order codependency for dummies from amazon, it is an incredible book.