I feel I've messed up somehow (long post)

[Kalastaja]

Hello. I just need some writing it out and perhaps some thoughts from other people. I feel I have messed up my life somewhat and I feel it is eating me and I've lost sight and some happiness.

I've been single most of my life, am now 30. I had my life in place. Finished university, found a good job, joined a hobby group, had a healthy routine with my friends, liked to spend time at home alone etc, chatted with my mother an hour a day, felt happy and beautiful. All that was missing was a boyfriend. I haven't had luck on this department.

I tried dating apps and found a great guy. He is very good and caring and so on. However I started to dislike some of his traits and could not deal with those anymore and felt general lack of connection. I had a hard time deciding what to do and kept thinking I should break up. We already lived together by that time. My mother supported me through all of it. All my hesitations and fears, I really analysed everything with her etc.I see now that it was over the top, too much. But she put all her heart into my happiness, I really was a mess. She wiped my tears through telephone chats etc (we love few hours apart).

We did break up, but he insisted we can make it work etc. I felt so torn. And finally decided I give him another chance and really believed it could work out. It was around two months ago.

My mother is now disappointed with me. We have not discussed it at all, we do not talk about me and him, we chat about other stuff but I can feel that our relationship has changed. I feel she is now generally tired, disappointed and sad. I feel guilty.

At the same time, I was optimistic about my relationship with my boyfriend, but am now again hesitating. He has improved but I just feel we lack connection, I find it difficult to just understand him, we lack any direction in my opinion.

I'm not as happy with my work anymore also, because all my favourite colleagues have left recently or are about to go. I haven't been so active in my hobby group due to my relationship and thus feel less connected with it. My friends get pregnant or married or are leaving country so these connections have faded also a bit. My rock and "always on support" was my mother, but this is not like this anymore. And my boyfriend does not provide a good connection to me either.

And now I do not know what to do. I feel so lonely suddenly and I've lost exitment for the future, my confidence etc. I feel like I would have to find somehow the connection with my boyfriend but then I'd lose significant part of my mother. And I do not know how to connect with him. Or I would have to break up and try to build my life up again. I think I would like that more. But then I think about his good qualities and I would miss these. Also, I feel guilty and sorry for him. I know it is not fair on him to keep him without feeling 100% in, and for his happiness I should set him free. But it would make sense to me if I could see he is not happy. But he is! He tells me all the time how good I am and how much he loves me and how happy he is to have me. How could I break his heart (again).
I'm just so confused. I miss my mother and I miss my excitement for the future. But I feel I have to stick with my boyfriend because at least it would then be justified that I ruined my relationship with my mother. And perhaps if I break up, I would still not be able to have my mother back 100%.

A very well written post.
I guess your Mum felt that she had supported you through a difficult time and then you completely blew it and took him back. But, it's not her life, it's yours. I think you need to sit down with her and open up, tell her what you've told us, give her something new to help you with. Mum's like to be useful and know they are still needed. I also think you need to ditch your man, it's just not working for you is it. Don't just settle! You are only 30, plenty of time ahead of you, although I appreciate that you might not think it, comparing yourself to your mates.
Some people may disagree but you get to a point in your life when you kind of need a significant other to make everything else worthwhile. Your current man is not making you feel happy, let him go.

Take a break from them all - your boyfriend, your mum, your job - and go travelling or something. Maybe some distance will help you think about what you want in your future and take away the sense of guilt and obligation to both people. You sound very concerned about pleasing them, more than yourself.

Thank you! Taking a break would be great. But I'm not much into travelling and my boyfriend would feel very upset, this is the main point of our difficulties - he wants to spend much more time together than I do. I would like to take time out by being home alone, but I cannot do it because he would refuse to go away alone. Two days with his parents would be maximum amount.
Im also so afraid of breaking up again because now I would not have a support anymore, i.e. my mother. I have thought about talking to her, I am at my home currently for a few days, but I am just afraid. I know she would say "yeah, whatever your life" but she would still be disappointed. She is stubborn quite. If she has decided something, then it will be like this forever. It perhaps could work out if I ditch my boyfriend..

My home currently meaning that in my birth home, visiting my mother

Kalastja sorry you are feeling so low about things generally.

I hope this doesn't sound patronising but if you are unhappy, 30 yrs is young enough to change direction. Forgive me but it sounds as though your mother is far too involved in your life in general and your romantic life in particular. And sorry to be blunt but staying with your boyfriend to justify ruining your relationship with your mother is a terrible idea! Your mother should not be making you feel guilty whatever decision you made about your boyfriend.

It's hard to advise as a stranger on the Internet but judging from what you have written, I would suggest striking out on your own, taking a break from both your boyfriend and your mother - maybe go travelling or move jobs - and find out who you are so you can make decisions independently. Best of luck to you !

X post! Have just read you are not keen on travel. How about a change of job, a change of location? You need to take a break from your boyfriend if you feel he is smothering you.

I have thought about talking to her, I am at my home currently for a few days, but I am just afraid. I know she would say "yeah, whatever your life" but she would still be disappointed.

Please talk to her!!! She'd hate to think of your being upset and not telling her!

Just say that you're scared you've annoyed her by taking the boyfriend back, and you miss her, and all your friends have left your job and you're lonely and you don't know what to do.

Please tell her. I'm a mum, I'd want to know if one of my kids was feeling lost and confused.

Oh, and are you still living with the boyfriend? Please don't settle for him just because he has nothing else going on in his life and is quite needy.

If he's still living with you, it's time to do the kind thing and tell him to move out, then finish it. He'll be OK. They're always OK. :)

Talk to your mum. Sounds like she is there for you but perhaps frustrated /confused by you going back with the boyfriend. It doesn't have to be a competition. Life changes, sometimes we feel on top of the game, other times things change and it all gets too much. Accepting this and going with it can be better than fighting it. Best of luck

OP, I'm not sure your mother totally disapproves, she maybe just wants you to be happy. She rightly so is leaving you to work through this one. Do you see yourself with him in future? Does he add to your life positively? Why not put your energy into finding a new job? It sounds like he is ready to settle but are you compatible? Keep your hobbies going too outside a relationship. Have you thought about the direction you want in life?

It really sounds to me like your Mum cares deeply about you and would want to know how you are feeling. Just because we disagree about things doesn’t mean the relationship with a parent is gone...she may feel (rightly or wrongly) that you have drawn away from her! Talk to her.
Re your partner...do you care for him deeply? As a person not as a crutch? Life is too short to be with someone you don’t.
Re hobby...go more! It makes you happy, that’s a good thing.

You are much too worried about how your mother feels about your life.

It's your life; loosen the apron strings a little and maybe look into some counselling to help you develop a stronger sense of self.

I'm sure if you told your mother you think you've made the wrong decision in sticking with your boyfriend, then she would support you again. It does sound like you are just not compatible with him and believe me (I've been there), it really is much better to be on your own than to be 'making do'. Get back to your hobby, talk honestly to your mother and make that break with your DH.

Don't stay with the boyfriend out of guilt. People recover from break-ups, you can't give up your life to avoid causing him temporary pain.

You're very much focused on what other people want for you and your mum's approval. It's OK not to meet expectations and to do your own thing. You need to work on believing that.

Kalastaja,
I've genuinely just joined MN to reply to your post because I am in almost an identical situation. My relationship lacks direction, I'm unhappy at work, I dropped my hobbies in order to focus on my relationship, I feel lonely.

Also, I feel guilty and sorry for him. I know it is not fair on him to keep him without feeling 100% in, and for his happiness I should set him free. But it would make sense to me if I could see he is not happy. But he is! He tells me all the time how good I am and how much he loves me and how happy he is to have me.

I understand this ^^ so much.

Please, if you need a friend, message me. I swear, all I do is sit home on the sofa beside my boyfriend while he watches the TV he wants to watch and I would love to speak to someone who understands, maybe so we can figure out the best thing to do together. I also understand what it's like to have that super-close bond with your mum and also how difficult it can be sometimes, especially when I've chosen a path she doesn't agree with. But I promise, she's your mum and she loves you - the relationship with her will heal.

le1la Please feel free to message me :)

Thank you all so much for encouraging me! I gathered myself together and just had a chat with my mother. I apologised to her firstly and then she instantly started talking and said she understands me and accepts my decision and admitted that she indeed is too involved in my life and it should change. She said that yes she was a bit sad because the "loosening the apron strings" came too suddenly. And she then tried not to get too involved with everything else also and keeping her opinion to herself, which is why I thought she is sad and negative etc. I told her that I still value her opinions etc. And we cleared the air and all good now. However, she did ask me to not bring my boyfriend to her house anymore, e.g. during holidays or so. Which I agreed to.
So thank you all again!

Now I have one worry less. I try not to involve her so much anymore because I indeed understand it was too much. Sure we can find a happy middle ground.

I have holidays from work the next two weeks so I guess it helps to find new motivation or perhaps I look into new jobs. I actually like me job, just have to get used to new colleagues etc.

Now I have only my relationship worry. I'll see how it goes when I get back to my own home. Yes, we still live together. I try to look more after myself and go from there. It still feels frightening to break up again. He can be so good and loving. But I think he is a bit manipulative too. We can't get on the same page and yes, I think it is not healthy for me to continue the relationship. But I must gather my strength again to break up..

But I actually feel better now that I have cleared the air with my mother.

I'm so glad you talked to your mum! I knew she'd be lovely.