When flirting is cheating.

[Mbshell]

My husband is currently in recovery from a cocaine addiction. We have 5 children. He randomly started using cocaine after trying it just the once on a night out with his friends in his 30’s. During the last 5 years, I’ve been to hell and back. The only reason I stayed was because how wonderful a man my husband was before this addiction took hold.

Basically we are all trying to get on with our lives, my husband is doing really well but I feel like I could jepodise his recovery if I do t stop my obsessing thoughts about him being a cheat. After many ups and downs and arguments I threw my husband out. Whilst high on drugs he was adamant he was done with me! (Laughable) he befriends lots of random women on fb added them and told them they were attractive and we had been split months. (I had thrown him out a day before) most of them didn’t reply. However this one woman did, she had kids at my kids school. She and him spend 5 days chatting. She even met him for a coffee ( his request) she said nothing sexual went on. He just basically ran me down saying he’d left me because I was controlling and didn’t like him having Facebook. (No mention of the drugs) she said she knew he was off his face when she met him, and it felt off so text him the next day saying not to contact her again. He went up to another girl in a bar and told her she was just as attractive in real life as on Facebook. All of this was totally out of character, I was devastated as everything else he’d done had all been drug related now I felt like he could cheat too. Eventually we decided to work at it, he spend 6 months clean. However the fact he’d tried to move on without a second thought of me are away at me. He said drugs mask everything and he knew he loved me but at the time seen everything as being my fault. And he added women in temper, there was never any temptation to cheat.
He relapsed after the 6 months and ruined my Christmas, I threatened divorce straight away and he was reckless for a month. The one night I dragged him out of the pub, where he was wasted alone, apparently he’d told the barmaid she was an attractive girl. (Again completely out of character) she said he didn’t say it in a seedy easy. But he made her feel uncomfortable as he was staring at her oddly and she got the vibe he liked her. When I confronted him, he said it’s because I’d threatened divorce, he feels like a scum bag through everything he’d done with the drugs, how he’d relapsed and felt awful. He was hoping she gave him a compliment back, but she didn’t, she just told him she had a boyfriend.

I’ve been with him nearly 17 years, before these incidents I’ve never had any reason to mistrust him. I feel like I’m stuck because everything he’s done as been done on drugs. I’m just worried he could eventually cheat. He swears on our kids lives he’d never cheat and before drugs I’d have believed him. All our friends say he wouldn’t too but I am paranoid. I keep thinking “ what if the barmaid didn’t have a boyfriend?” I want to make our relationship work as I do love him. He’s tried so hard to make me feel reassured and cries a lot about what he’s done. He doesn’t get where I’m coming from though as he says he knows there was never any intent with anyone. And he loves me more than anything

Sorry I wrote into relate regarding my problem and the counsellor told me to see it as part of him being in active addiction, she said addicts seek solace and support all over the place and whilst she’s not excusing his behaviour I should try and see it as part of a larger problem in which he needs help.

I think I’ve detached these incidents with women and now I’m looking at him like he’s just a cheat, or a potential cheat. I’m forgetting all of the other horrendous things he’s done and said. I guess it doesn’t help that being an addict means they lie and they are so convincing at lying to, it’s left me questioning everything.

I am just so upset at this though as normally my husband loves me so much. His friends have said it’s all out of character as he’s always been a family man, often leaving nights out before drugs to come home early to me and the kids. One friend even accused him of being strange as he never joins in when they all see a attractive lady walk past, he’d never do that. So I’m basically wondering if you think it’s as my husband says that he feels low and all of these things are little things he’s doing in an attempt to feel better about himself?

I know I’ve flirted lots of times when drunk as it makes you feel good, but I’d never actually physically cheat though. But when someone’s on drugs could they cheat because there inhibititions are lower. He said if that was the case why has he never done it before? It’s only since our marriage has been in trouble etc that he’s done stuff like this.

Your marriage will never not be in trouble for as long as he is a addict. And he unfortunately will be one for life. There will be cycles of clean and relapsing, and each time your world will be turned upside down. He will behave this way. It will not change. Who knows what he will or won't do when he next relapses - you shouldn't have to live your life worrying about him cheating on you given half the chance whenever he is off his face.

Is that really the life you think you deserve? You can't stay and fix him. That's down to him. Don't let him drag you down with him.

"The only reason I stayed was because how wonderful a man my husband was before this addiction took hold".

And it still really keeps a tight grip of him. And you for that matter also, you're as caught up in this as he is, albeit in different ways. The man he was is no longer present and has checked out. He also seems very adept at blaming you for his behaviours; its never his fault in his head.

What do you still get out of this relationship?. Why do you still so want to make this work?. Is this really the model of a relationship you want to be showing your children?.

You seem stuck in a cycle of enabling (that does not help your or he because it only gives you a false sense of control), the sunken costs fallacy (you forget here the damage has already been done) and codependency. Why are his needs here more important than yours or your childrens?. Think they have heard and seen far more these past five years than perhaps either of you care to realise.

When are you finally going to say no more?. The fact that you seem more worried now about him cheating is indicative of how messed up this whole sorry scenario is (and tbh he has already cheated).

Do you not think you've given more than enough of your life already for him to piss up the wall?. You also cannot threaten divorce if you are not actually prepared to go through with it, he will never take you at all seriously if you say such things and then back down.

His ongoing recovery from addiction is something he has to do without you and you are not responsible for that in any way, shape or form. He cannot continue to try and blame you for his actions.

Where is your support here?. Have you contacted anyone like Adfam adfam.org.uk/

Yes I have attended al anon too. Don’t get me wrong I know that I’ve been codependent for a long time. We’ve had periods apart where he went away to try to get clean. I ended it and he was hysterical, he said he wouldn’t lose me and said he’d do whatever it took for me to give him one last chance.

He’s looking better in these last few months than he has in years, his mental health is pretty much back to pre drug days. He’s compassionate and empathetic, these qualities were non existent during his active addiction. He’s been working hard and I’ve managed to save enough money for a holiday and done the house up. I just feel that whilst he’s trying I should too. If I felt like he wasn’t, I’d be gone! I know I couldn’t live like it any longer. He’s got himself a key worker who he sees weekly. One thing he’s always been is a brilliant father, I literally can’t fault him on that one. The kids are loving having him back.

You are still codependent and that state is not doing you or for that matter your kids any favours whatsoever. They have seen and heard a great deal these last five years and this experience could shape them going forward into their own adult relationships too. I sincerely hope that you have not taught them to be codependent in relationships also because it is often learnt behaviour.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can write nothing positive themselves about their man. He has put you and in turn them through the wringer.

His primary relationship has been with drugs, its not with you or his children. This so called "brilliant father" to his children is anything but, he certainly did not think of anyone else but himself when he was putting cocaine (and family money was used to purchase that) up his nose.

You need to get off the merry go around named denial. He still seems to have well meaning people enabling him; you and his keyworker to name but two. In your own ways you continue to prop him up and protect him from the consequences of his actions. How many chances have you already given him to date?. Probably way too many.