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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

We are just going through the motions

5 replies

geekymum79 · 09/04/2019 17:24

My husband and I have been together for 20 years, we have two beautiful, occasionally wild children, a lovely home, good jobs and I really have no right no complain. He's a good father... and here comes the but... I'm just exhausted of feeling like I'm left to run the house whilst holding down a full time/full on career and keep kids happy going to all their various clubs. I'm starting to really resent the way he wants a medal for doing some washing and if I suggest he takes the kids to one of their clubs for a change so I get a break he casually suggests they miss a week. I'm very lucky I do have some very good girlfriends and I've talked with them often about how I've been feeling but truth is I'm frightened to talk to my husband about it for fear we've already past the point of no return. He got a voucher for his birthday last June for a lovely local pub and we still haven't been... which tells me we haven't been on a date just the two of us for nearly a year. At best we'd only get date nights twice a year since the kids (eldest now 10) on birthdays. Even worse I'm pretty sure I could count on one hand the number of times we've had sex in a year. I just don't feel like he tries for me... If I organised it, he would attend but aside from the kids not sure what we'd even have to talk about. I organise all the childcare, every holiday, all the school admin, all the home admin. He does tell me that he appropriates that I do more than him but am I so wrong to expect him to do more for us. I do love him and in so many ways we are still perfect for each other. I recently had a weekend away with the just me and the kids and I'm finding I enjoy my time with our children just as much without him. Feeling very confused and not at all brave about facing this. I know we can't carry on like this.

OP posts:
Hiddenaspie1973 · 09/04/2019 17:28

Can't offer advice. Just wanted to say ditto. I look ahead to DD moving out/ us retiring and feel cold dread.
I'm just not sure we'll make it for similar reasons to you.

geekymum79 · 09/04/2019 17:39

I'm so sorry you are going through this too. Worst of it is I know all the things we should be doing. I also feel guilt because know I could do more to make things better but I just don't know if I've got anymore to give... and if I'm brutally honest I feel a bit angry that he doesn't seem to want to tackle this either.

OP posts:
pallasathena · 09/04/2019 19:30

People can (and I'm not excusing anyone for doing this) fall into the habit of letting their significant other shoulder all the donkey work. It starts off as a gradual process and somehow morphs over time into what you're currently experiencing.
From what I've seen with female family members who've gone through similar, the only way out of it is to get seriously angry, assertive and make it a complete deal breaker.
And to follow through.

Snuggz · 09/04/2019 20:02

How old are you both? You say you’ve been together for 20 years and you’re eldest is 10, so I’m guessing early 50s?

Can you really see yourself for the next 20 years with your husband in your twilight years? If you can’t, then it’s time to call it a day. You have one life to live, your kids are only going to grow up and move out - do you want to waste another 10 or 20 years of your life feeling more and more depressed and angry?

WearsABlackAndLongCoatWrong · 10/04/2019 00:30

I think if your OP was all about how much you've grown to hate things he can't change, I'd urge you to think about leaving.

But ALL of the things you've mentioned can be changed.

So I think it's worth an honest conversation. I think to throw away a 20 year relationship because you're a bit uncomfortable about mentioning x, y, z is really sad.
Relationships work when both parties work at the, and I think yours is worth a shot.
Maybe with a counsellor, if it's too uncomfortable with a 'referee' of some sort?

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