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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

co-ercive rape?

7 replies

whateveryouwishfor · 09/04/2019 14:33

Regular here name changed on the back of a thread earlier re narcissists

What exactly is coercive rape? Reason I ask is my ex was an incredibly narcisstic and abusive person. Every trick in the book, ended up in Court etc etc

I am long moved on from him but one thing that I do think about from time to time is the amount of times sex did not feel right. I mean the times where he put alot of pressure on until I just done it, or he would be all wound up and nasty shouting etc and that was the only way to stop it.

Once time he llocked me in the house, threw things, pinned me down, screamed etc etc - all manner of awful things. Anyway in the end I slept with him. It was literally the only way to calm him down and get him on an even keel enough that the next day he would let me leave to go to work (whereby I phoned the police and thus began the process of leaving...)

When I htink back it just felt so wrong. I felt incredibly sick during and after and he used that against me afterwards "you reported me to the police but if I was that bad why did you sleep with me that day. You led me on." etc etc

Is this what is classed as coercive rape or is this something completely different? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
pog100 · 09/04/2019 14:53

I am not sure of the facts, but I am pretty sure that consent obtained through coercion, and your examples seem like clear coercion to me, is not consent. Therefore it would be rape. However, I am not sure the name or definition is important, it is just all kinds of wrong and thank god you are long out of what sounds like an awful relationship.

whateveryouwishfor · 09/04/2019 15:04

You are right. Teh definition is not important. I know it was completley wrong and I am so glad I am out of it. I just kept hearing the term and wasn't entirely clear of what it meant. Thank you for replying

OP posts:
Porridgeprincess · 09/04/2019 15:12

Sounds absolutely horrific, I am glad you are out of it.

whateveryouwishfor · 09/04/2019 15:24

porridge princess it defnitely was! When I look back now I can't believe I put up with it and was so blinded to what was going on! Scary. I just wish I could help others now to be honest

OP posts:
ShabbyAbby · 09/04/2019 15:35

Coercive rape to me is when someone makes a choice to have sex on the grounds of the repercussions if she does not (eg. He would leave with the children, he would kick me out in the morning, he would shout and wake the kids up, he would break my phone) but I think that definition ends at the point that it becomes entirely un-consensual (he drugged me or had sex with me when I was so drunk I could not walk or speak, he held me down or tied me up and forced himself on me, beat me until I could no longer fight him, he put a gun to my head, he got his friend/s to hold me down). Then there's the legal "grey" area. I don't think many people would refuse to have sex however un-consensual it may be if the perp threatened to kill their children or loved one, and there are issues with contraception as it could be said that any man who "forgets" or tampers with a condom is guilty of rape, too, because even if the woman was consenting to sex it is on different terms.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 09/04/2019 15:43

The situation sounds horrific, and thank God you are out of it now.

This site explains sexual coercion very clearly.

MIA12 · 09/04/2019 16:04

Consent that isn’t given freely and willingly isn’t consent.

I’m so glad you are out of that relationship OP Flowers

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