Help understanding what to do

[PTBarnum]

Hi,

I've posted on here before but name changed for this because it's quite embarrassing. I'll try to keep this vague but give enough detail so not to drip feed.

I'm 24, still living at home due to some health issues (physical not cognitive). I need some help with day to day living - not full time care but help with some tasks and as such I've never been as independent as other people my age. My mum has therefore never seen me as being as independent or capable which is now causing some issues.

I started a new relationship about a month ago (he knows all about health issues and it isn't a problem for him), he's asked me to stay over a few times which I haven't done yet as haven't felt comfortable enough to just yet, however, I'm starting to think about staying over for a night soon. This is where the problem is.

My mum has always been quite conservative about sex, she would have a problem with me telling her I was staying over with my boyfriend. She can be quite manipulative about things she thinks are 'wrong' and since I'm still living at home and she knows about health issues she uses this as a way to control what I do so I'm wondering how to approach telling her in the best way. I realise I'm an adult and she shouldn't have any say in what I do but since I rely on her a bit for help it changes things a bit for me and I'd be stuck if it caused problems.

This isn't my first relationship or first sexual partner. I'm fully capable of making decisions/ understanding what is going on, just not always capable of actually physically getting out or doing things independently.

Thanks for any advice.

She’s entitled to conservative views about sex and you’re entitled not to share them, being over the age of consent.

My concern is that worrying about telling her “in the best way” is sort of playing into her hands. At your age, you should be saying, “I won’t be around tonight, I’m staying at John’s” and she should be saying, “ok thanks for letting me know” and that’s where the discussion should end. So, no discussion at all really! I really think that you should be robust and start as you mean to go on.

Thanks ConfCall. Ideally that’s what I’d like but I know that’s not how the conversation would go. If I just said I’m staying over see you tomorrow, there would be phone calls, text messages, telling me I was being inappropriate, not behaving “correctly” etc. Anything that doesn’t match her views is seen as wrong so it’s difficult to know how to talk to her about it.

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but it's time for you to grow up. Your mum may not agree with your choices, but that's fine. She doesn't have to. She can also be as upset and angry as she wants to be. That's her choice, not yours. You also don't have to be controlled by her emotional terrorism. Ignore the guilt trips. Tell her you are staying over at your boyfriends and if she kicks off, tell her the discussion is OVER. If she keeps harassing you with calls or texts, SHUT OFF YOUR PHONE, or temporarily block her. Your mum may help you with lots of things, but that does not give her the right to control your life. The sooner you stop this madness the better.

I ask this only because you do not mention your dad at all. Is he still in your life?.

Ultimately you are going to have to move out and if your mother is as manipulative as I think she is (your comment about anything that doesn’t match her views is seen as wrong is telling), this will have to be sooner rather than later.

She being your carer does not give her carte blanche to rule your own life but you do need to make a permanent break and no longer live with her. The power and control balance will then shift again.

Has your GP or your local adult social services dept been able to assist recently in respect of your physical issues?.

Thanks Aquamarine, I know you're right it's just difficult at the moment to rock the boat as it were because I couldn't manage on my own and haven't got the means to move out just yet.

Thanks Attila my dad died a few years ago. I have looked into moving out but because I am technically housed I think it would be a long wait for council housing. I'm not in a position to private rent at the moment. I'm hoping to look into doing this at the end of the year. After September there will a change in circumstances to some extent so it may be possible then but obviously don't want to have my relationship on hold until then.