Feeling smothered

[LauraAshleysKnickerDrawer]

I'm 46 years old, been married for 20 years, and we have 3 children (youngest 16).

When my DH and I first got together I was always pretending to enjoy sex. I've never liked sex. I have a sex drive of sorts but no inclination to have sex. I had partners before him and never enjoyed it then either. Anyway, over the years it got more and more difficult to pretend (I was in floods of tears during sex once but he didn't notice) and so I came clean to my DH about 10 years ago and said I didn't want to have sex any more and that if he didn't think he could live with that I would totally understand and he could find a woman who could give him sex.

He said he didn't want to split up and would manage.

He is a very tactile person who loves cuddles and I am not. Due to sexual abuse in my childhood I find it very hard to be physically close to others. I often flinch when he touches me unexpectedly.

I love my DH with all my heart. I have no interest in other men.

However, the situation has obviously messed with his head because he has of recent years become obsessed with the idea that I'm having an affair or have been attacked by another man. He accused me the other day of chatting online with a mutual male friend. He constantly needs reassurance that everything is okay with us, that I'm not lying to him, that I'm not cheating or hiding something. He wants to know everywhere I go, who I see. I'm not supposed to get deliveries to the house unless he's there. He doesn't like me having male friends.

It's smothering me. I know if we split up it will destroy him but I can't give him sex any more and I can't live with knowing I've caused this wonderful man to become a nervous, jealous, suspicious person.

We are such opposites and the only thing holding us together is love. Is that enough?

What happened to you was not your fault and you are not to blame, it is the sole fault of the perpetrator.

Is your DH aware of what happened to you as a child?.

Have you spoken to NAPAC about your childhood sexual abuse?. This is something I would urge you to do particularly in the event you have never talked to someone like them about it. Their link is here:-

napac.org.uk/

Thank you. Yes, my DH has known from early days what happened to me as a child.

No one can live without affection and lack of it from a partner can breed mistrust and paranoia about infidelity. Time to face it that you are not compatible and probably never were. I'm interested why you deceived him early in your life, never mentioning that you didn't like sex? Surely he had a right to know and make an informed choice to stay with you or quit at that point(assuming that sex was important to him). I'd be extremely angry in his position, and would feel I've been lied to and that my marriage was also a lie. He's probably thinking, if she can lie to me about this....what else is a lie? Sadly I don't see a way that you can continue this marriage and it's probably kinder on both of you to call it a day.

No, love is not enough. Unless he is happy with a sexless relationship with you. He sounds very unhappy indeed - let him on his way and stop trying to claim his emotional being for yourself. I understand why you do, but you have to stop that now.

I doubt this is what your DH signed up for when he married you.
I couldn't live without affection or sex from someone I love.
It's not fair on him at all.
Please set him free.
Have you tackled your childhood abuse?
Has counselling helped at all over the years?

He's needy because he gets no affection. It's a sad state for both of you, you should try some counselling, such a shame to let the awful things in your past go on to destroy your present and future happiness

Your DH has not had any intimacy with you for 10 years.....it's been destroying him bit by bit for years as he clearly loves you and wants to support you which is why he's stayed but it must be very difficult for both of you.
I think counselling would help otherwise you can't both expect to carry on like this for years.