Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Can't forgive Mother in Law

23 replies

AK91CH · 09/04/2019 11:25

Hi all after some advice on my MIL... basically when I was pregnant with my son my MIL was pretty over whelming... when it came to my birth my husband had asked her not to tell anyone I was in labour or tell anyone when the baby had arrived as it was our news to share... anyway this did not happen as I found out that she had set up a messenger group with various family members in giving details of my labour such as how dilated my cervix is, whats going on etc (I am a private person so this made me so embarrassed that she was doing this especially men being told this), she was then sending photos of our son into the group which we had privately sent her (so for her eyes only) and asking people to guess his weight etc... just to add each message she put in this group she was saying "please don't message them or tell them about this as I am not supposed to be telling you" anyway I found out about this as she added me into the group a few months later regarding a family meal and when I looked at previous messages they were there... anyway my husband confronted her and her excuse was she was exited... to add to this she put my sons name on social media before we did and has on occasions plastered photos of him on social media which she has been asked politely many times not too do... she has always been told 1 or 2 is fine but not to the extent she is doing there are many people on her friend list which I don't want seeing these photos... anyway the reason I am asking for advice on how to forgive her is that its really putting me off having another baby the whole time I was pregnant I felt like she had no care about my feelings and just done what she wanted and for me being pregnant and having someone being so overwhelming and having so little respect for my privacy & feelings really makes me feel as if she doesn't like me. My husband thinks I am being silly thinking she dislikes me but I just get that vibe... advice please x

OP posts:

mumsie8 · 09/04/2019 11:27

Don't give her the info in the first instance. She can't share what she doesn't have.

Musti · 09/04/2019 11:29

Just don't tell her anything you want being kept private

HappySonHappyMum · 09/04/2019 11:31

The only way she can spread all this information is if she knows it. Which means you only give her info that you don't mind her sharing! Your DP has to be onside with this of course. If your DP thinks you are 'being silly' about his mother then you need to make it clear to him that you are being deadly serious and expect his support.

GarthFunkel · 09/04/2019 11:32

How did you see messages in a group from before you joined it?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 09/04/2019 11:32

Stop telling her anything. Make it clear to your h that your feelings matter and if he doesn't back you up and support you he is not going to have a happy marriage. Your real problem here is your husband, who is dismissing your perfectly valid feelings and not respecting your boundaries. For me, this would lead to our separation unless he copped on to himself pretty fucking quickly. So you need to sort him out and then deal with mil as a unit.
But you are totally within your rights to refuse to see her, not facilitate access to your baby and when she gets moany, tell her exactly why.
Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.

Shoxfordian · 09/04/2019 11:33

Put her on an information diet
You need to have your partner's support with this. Tell her as little as possible. Don't send her any more pictures of your child then she can't share them.

C0untDucku1a · 09/04/2019 11:34

Wtf was she being told about your cervix in the first place?! Thats massive oversharing!

SnuggyBuggy · 09/04/2019 11:34

Your husband shouldn't have shared such private info with her in the first place. Your real issues are with him.

downcasteyes · 09/04/2019 11:36

BOUNDARIES.

Don't tell her as much, don't include her as much, and she can't overshare.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2019 11:40

Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no you would not have done. You do not have to forgive his mother either (what has she done anyway for you to try and be forgiven for her transgressions here?) but do not ever let her put you off having another child. You've learnt the hard way not to give her any info or photos going forward.
Such people too never apologise nor actually accept any responsibility for their actions.

Have a think about your own boundaries here with regards to his mother a lot more because those too low boundaries have hurt you. You need to adopt a grey rock (i.e. be very boring) policy with someone as overbearing as his mother and you can and should stop sharing so many photos of your child with her.

Where is FIL in all this?. I ask only as he is not mentioned. She knows she did wrong here (hence all this don't tell AK91CH and her H about the messages) but she does not care because she has no filter and no boundaries. This is all about her and what she wants really and she cannot be trusted to not plaster everything over her social media.

Your H is still in a fear, obligation and guilt state with regards to her and cannot properly stand up for his own self let alone you as his wife. This is also why he has thought of you as being silly about his mother, he cannot or will not face the truth about her. His own inertia to date has really simply hurt him as well as you.

Porridgeprincess · 09/04/2019 11:41

Oh lord, how annoying. However... I don't think this all lies with your MIL. I presume it was your husband who told her about your labour and cervix? I would start with him and then give her a lot less info that she is being given at the moment.

MashedSpud · 09/04/2019 11:42

Agree with everyone else. Don’t give her information if she can’t be trusted.

I have a family member like this who now gets told nothing.

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2019 11:44

I don't think it means she doesn't like you, I think it means She's selfish and feels her feelings trump yours.

As others have said, learn your lesson, just don't provide her with information you don't wish shared.

Original poster

AK91CH · 09/04/2019 11:47

Hey yes my husband did give her this information which believe me he knows he shouldn't have now but I am sure to him he thought he could trust his Mum. As I sure know if I asked my Mum not to tell anyone she wouldn't.
On Facebook Messenger you can see the previous group messages no matter what point your added into the group.
I have said to my husband next time (if there is one) id prefer to just tell everyone once the baby is here but he still wants to tell his mother when I am in labour...

OP posts:

downcasteyes · 09/04/2019 11:49

"I have said to my husband next time (if there is one) id prefer to just tell everyone once the baby is here but he still wants to tell his mother when I am in labour..."

And there we have it. Like so many other Mumsnetters, your real problem is the unhealthy relationship your DH has to his mother.

FizzyGreenWater · 09/04/2019 11:54

he still wants to tell his mother when I am in labour...

Your problem is your husband.

Tell him he needs to realise that it's not only MIL who's on her last chance. He is too.

If he wants to ultimately end up a divorced dad who spends his weekends sitting on his mothers sofa listening to her rabbiting on about how awful you are while he wrangles his kids, tell him to carry right on.

Oh and labour? If he's not prepared to be a real supportive husband, then it's simple - he won't have anything to tell his mother because he won't be there! Your pregnancy. Your labour. Your business. HE is also only getting to know this info because you allow him to. He either steps up, cuts the mummy apron strings and shows loyalty to you or you'll get another birth partner and he and his mother can find out what sex the baby is at the same time.

Get tough. And tell him you're moving a long way from his parents.

MsSquiz · 09/04/2019 12:54

You need to get your husband to agree not to tell her anything at all!

This is exactly what my DH's family are like and I'm dreading when it is our turn!
When the wife of one of his cousins was pregnant, we received a text from his uncle declaring "L has had a little girl. Mother and baby are doing well" and that was it. I said to MIL how it was a bit odd not mention weight or time of birth (usually done in a birth announcement)
Then not 5 mins later we got a text through to say "oops, sorry, they've actually just arrived at the hospital and L is in labour!" 🙄

She ended up having quite a complicated birth and we still don't know if she knows about that message!

Original poster

AK91CH · 09/04/2019 13:01

@MsSquiz I am sure if she did know about the message she would be pretty upset... I am sure so many people forget about a woman's feelings when she is pregnant. As much as its an exiting and wonderful time its also very overwhelming and tiring... those times are definitely more difficult if people don't take your feelings into consideration

OP posts:

MsSquiz · 09/04/2019 13:05

@AK91CH I totally agree, that's why we've never mentioned it to her. We were all all furious on her behalf!

I totally get that people are excited about becoming grandparents, but that is a line you just don't cross. Especially as your MIL was even saying "I'm not supposed to tell you" - that's not an accident!

Chamomileteaplease · 09/04/2019 13:28

After all that, he wants to run the same risk again??

Marriage counselling maybe??

Tucobenedicto · 09/04/2019 15:57

Your husband it seems worries more about his horrific mother than his beloved wife...start off by seriously putting him in his place regarding you both..tell him to grow a pair of stones and man up..until this happens nothing will change..he will always side with her over you...don't let it fester much longer...

Whoops75 · 09/04/2019 16:04

Definitely a dh issue

As a compromise maybe he tells his family when you are in labor but not the details.

JassyRadlett · 09/04/2019 16:10

I have said to my husband next time (if there is one) id prefer to just tell everyone once the baby is here but he still wants to tell his mother when I am in labour...

If he wants to share private medical information, then he can bloody give birth.

Pregnancy and birth are not an equal partnership and the parents don’t get an equal say about how pregnancy and birth info is shared because it is your body, you are the one giving birth and until the baby arrives it is all about you and what you want, not what your husband wants.

Flip

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.