I want him to suffer

[Esmeralda67]

While I am glad that my DH and I are separated. His behaviour was a massive problem for me, drink, drugs, infidelity and letting the kids down. (They are grown up now). Since we split up he seems to be having a great time. Inherited a significant amount of money and is in a new relationship while I am struggling with daily life. I have had trauma at work and am on long term sick. I feel my mental health is not great and every day is a struggle. I have a really good relationship with the DCs and plenty of friends but I feel so resentful that someone who hurt me so badly is having such a good time and that I, who tried to hold it all together, just goes from shit to shitter. I don't want to allow my life to be corroded by bitterness but I feel like a child screaming "it just isn't fair!!" I am so sick of being reasonable.

That's ok. But don't dwell on it as your own life is far more important than his. And don't believe all the lies either. Perhaps he is having a bit of good PR but if the core of him is as shit as you say, it won't be too long before he fucks it all up. Even if it is handed on a plate to him
Let him.have his moment. Ots unsustainable

Life is full of peaks and troughs. He may appear to be living the high life, but with an addiction problem and money to burn, it doesn't bode well.

Focus on the things you are grateful for, your children and dear friends. These are priceless

Maybe consider some counselling to help you with this?

Your feelings are human and understandable.

Remember, if your DH still has his drink, drugs and women habit he will be burning through that inheritance money at a fast rate. Easy come, easy go as the saying goes! So there's that to think about.

I have a really good relationship with the DCs and plenty of friends

Something that your ex probably doesn't have? Alcoholics/drug users rarely have true friends - just people who share their bad habits and addicitons.

I bet it only appears on the surface he is having a good time, while you are building something real and sustaining in your relationships.

See your doctor about getting back on track. Perhaps some counselling and/or anti-depressants are needed? Use your sick leave to search for another job - getting the right job can work wonders and staying in a miserable job really takes its toll.

When you feel a bit stronger, see if there is anything you have always wanted to do that would be possible to start now? A degree? Could you get a student loan and be a full or part-time student? I don't know your financial circs, but take the time to explore ALL options however "out there" they may seem at first. You may be surprised.

When you have the most fulfilling life you can, you will stop thinking about your horrible ex. The next you hear of him will probably be when it all comes crashing down for him (i.e. money spent, addiction tightening its grip) and you will probably feel more pity than anger for him.

Take care, OP. I know this can be hard.

I have been in therapy for a couple of years. Lots of issues around quite serious childhood trauma. As a consequence of which I am sure I over compensated with my own children to provide a "perfect" childhood. My DH then blamed me for pushing him out and an excuse to emotionally withdraw from us. (Then left). I know I feel sorry for myself but I tried really hard to do the best and now I am in such a bad place and I just don't feel I deserve it.

Allow these strong feelings to roll through. Perhaps create/enact some rituals/art to mark these truths. Look into 'lament'.

Ime therapy can be very draining on general well being - it's not difficult to become swamped in trauma. There is the idea that once the excavation of trauma is completed all will be well. imo that stuff is endless, it never ends, therefore no completed excavation/no peace. Ime I drew a line under the ceaseless excavation and got on with living. I may not be the full ticket due to historical trauma but, well, join the human race, we're all a bit off.

Ime the most powerful antidote to challenging life events is to practice gratitude. It's nothing short of miraculous. Therapy - which obviously has its vital and valuable place - can by necessity have us focused on troubles, pain, trauma. Life can get dismal and sticky, we can easily get caught in the victim net (bcs we were powerless victims at crucial times that have caused us great harm) and slip into feeling powerless. Perhaps this is a necessary part of the journey to healing which needs to be respected - but practising gratitudes can help keep a balance, ultimately focusing on the very good things we have in the present. This isn't to cancel out the healing work but to compliment it and keep our ship steady.

He will implode, that's a given. BTW If you are not yet divorced aren't you a legal beneficiary of the inheritance?

No, you don't deserve it, but this is life. All you can do is move forward. Holding onto resentment and anger is only hurting you.

What's done is done. What are some goals you can set? Work towards?. You need something positive to focus on.

You have a whole life of possibility ahead of you.

First of all your feelings are absolutely appropriate given what you've endured. I'm sure though you are posting because you don't want to be stuck in a cycle of feeling the way you do and feeling low as a result.

*Ime therapy can be very draining on general well being - it's not difficult to become swamped in trauma. There is the idea that once the excavation of trauma is completed all will be well. imo that stuff is endless, it never ends, therefore no completed excavation/no peace. Ime I drew a line under the ceaseless excavation and got on with living. I may not be the full ticket due to historical trauma but, well, join the human race, we're all a bit off.

Ime the most powerful antidote to challenging life events is to practice gratitude. It's nothing short of miraculous*

^This 100%. I found therapy useful for clarifying your emotions around abuse/trauma. After that it becomes actually quite toxic, retraumatising and frankly not constructive or purposeful to keep going over old ground. Meditation, exercise and a commitment to the betterment of my life has been much more helpful.

Am in total agreement re gratitude. Any time I. Having a low moment, I remind myself of what I have to be grateful for, even if it is just that I can get a yummy takeaway, go home and be warm and watch a film on Netflix. Or know that a friend is only a phone call away.

Realising and being thankful for all my blessings has been a lifesaver. It can pick me up no matter how low I feel.