Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Pregnant but partner not the dad!

19 replies

Boosparkle77 · 09/04/2019 08:22

Good morning this is a long one so going to try and shorten...

So was with D 3 years broke up and found and old flame was with him for a just over a month and fell pregnant now gone back to D and he said if I want to keep the baby he will stand by me. Old flame doesnt want anything to do with baby, so now I'm more confused than ever as I dont want this baby to ruin my relationship because hes not the dad. I feel guilty for everything that happens and I have a 3 nearly 4 year old and I dont know how he will adapt. I'm so confused has anyone be in this situation before could really use some advice!

Thanks from a confused mumma x

OP posts:

Mintandthyme · 09/04/2019 08:25

How many weeks pregnant are you?
Would you consider terminating ? Your DP sounds amazing but it may be very difficult when the baby is born..

Original poster

Boosparkle77 · 09/04/2019 08:27

Doctora say 5 weeks and yes I would consider terminating. He is amazing I messed up and hes been so good I'm very bless to have such a guy but hes got teo kids 4 and 8 and I have one who is 3 x

OP posts:

MakeItRain · 09/04/2019 08:44

A friend of mine was in this situation. She kept the baby and stayed with her partner, and they were happy for years. They had another child. Eventually they broke up many years later but it wasn't anything to do with the baby, who he raised as his own. So it can work if you're both committed to it.

Original poster

Boosparkle77 · 09/04/2019 08:47

Well he cant have anymore kids as hes had the snip and he knows I want just one more and we previously talk about me having another baby by sperm donor but it kind of just happened this way I dont want him to resent the baby or me but he keeps saying its not the baby hes bothered with just if the dad is always around which I dont think he will be. Thank you for sharing that story makes me feel more positive x

OP posts:

tootruetoyou · 09/04/2019 22:45

Sounds like it's meant to be. Just think of it as sperm donation.

Jaffacakebeast · 09/04/2019 23:00

Sounds like it should be on Jeremy Kyle

Butterflyone1 · 10/04/2019 13:09

I strongly disagree with terminating a baby just so you can have a relationship with someone you decided to split up with in the first place!!

Thing seriously about the situation because you have to live with it for the rest of your life.

Snuggz · 10/04/2019 13:20

Why did you break up in the first place?

If you hadn’t got pregnant, would you have told your partner that you slept with your ex?

I’d be wary of getting back together with someone (baby or no baby) if the issue that caused the relationship to break up in the first place had not been dealt with.

GooodMythicalMorning · 10/04/2019 13:24

If he's saying he's ok with it then I would keep. Do you have reason not not believe he is actually ok with the pregnancy?

Original poster

Boosparkle77 · 11/04/2019 00:32

We were swingers before and it kind of caused a issue between us but that has all stopped now. He said its not ideal but he will stand by me and i do believe that. We dont live together and the dad defo wants nothing to do with the baby so on my own but did it with my first on my own and my son will be in school by the time the baby is born x

OP posts:

Dieu · 11/04/2019 08:40

Why can't you just take some time out to focus on your existing child, and pregnancy?
Why the need to rush straight into a new relationship?
Put yourself and your children first.

Langrish · 11/04/2019 08:44

Your current partner would be my last consideration. Children are your responsibility for life, partners can come and go.
You need to work out how YOU feel about another child and how you’ll cope if you’re on your own with two.

Breastfeedingworries · 11/04/2019 08:49

You were swingers? So it could of been a number of men’s babies? Were you not taking precautions? , don’t mean to lecture just wondering.

It’s good he doesn’t mind but a new baby and new relationship would be bit much for me. I have zero time for anyone but my 4 month old. I’m single parent, but glad of it lol

NameChangeJustBecauseICan · 11/04/2019 10:19

The biological father says he wants nothing to do with the unborn child now but what's to stop him changing his mind?

How would your partner feels out it then?

NameChangeJustBecauseICan · 11/04/2019 10:20

'feel about it then' (not 'feels out it then). I should have previewed.

NameChangeJustBecauseICan · 11/04/2019 10:22

Does the 5 weeks fit in with it being old flame's child or is there any chance it could be a partner from swinging?

ShartGoblin · 11/04/2019 10:31

Completely agree with @Langrish

Stop thinking about what is best to make other people happy. Putting aside everyone else's feelings - do you want this baby? If you do then I see nothing wrong with viewing this as almost the same as the sperm donor.

Of course plenty of difficulties may come up and the biological father may want to be involved one day and it's important for all of you to plan for this on a practical level but I don't think it should influence your decision. The only thing that matters is do you want this baby and will you love him/her?

If you terminate based on the feelings of others it will break you. I have no issues with women that terminate knowing that's the right thing to do but if you do it knowing it's not what you want I don't know how you will cope emotionally.

OurChristmasMiracle · 11/04/2019 11:28

OP it sounds like you split up due to jealousy- you were swingers but he had issues with this- so I’m guessing didn’t like you sleeping with other people- which is fair enough. However this baby is going to be a constant reminder that when split up you did sleep with someone else and get pregnant by them. Whilst he may have every intention of being a dad to this child and being there for you, the reality may be completely different.

I’m not saying this to be harsh or cruel, just trying to be realistic.

If YOU want this child then that’s great but please be prepared to be a single parent if it all goes wrong.

Original poster

Boosparkle77 · 13/04/2019 09:27

Thanks to everyones comments.
When we unsed to swing we ALWAYS used contraception!
I've heard the jeremy kyle thing quite a few time lately 🤣
I DO NOT expect my partner to step up to be the father at all I focus on my son everyday and he is with his dad at weekends. I've taught him to read and write at 3 so I think I'm doing good tbh.
So everyone knows I've chosen to keep the baby for me not anyone else and yes I can gove it all my love and more, regardless of the biological dad being there or not.
I have no expectations of my partner being the dad for the exact reason it may be a reminder of our break up.
Thanks for all you advice ❤

OP posts:

Flip