Boyfriend cheated early on in our relationship WWYD?

[headsawhirl]

Help need some impartial advice as I'm torn here.
I've just found out my boyfriend of a year cheated on me about 4 months into our relationship. He supposedly didn't sleep with her but he dated her and kissed her behind my back and openly lied to my face at the time. It was 3 dates then apparently he realised he loved me and called it off with her
At that point we had definitely agreed to be exclusive, at least a month before he began seeing her but we were taking things slow and hadn't said we loved each other or anything. We hadn't met friends or family but as far as I was concerned we were exclusively dating.
Since then we've become more serious, things have been great and he's recently met my children and is absolutely wonderful with them.
Our relationship has developed so much since that point but I feel like it's all been a lie now
I need to leave him don't I?

Dump him - it’s just not worth wasting time on someone like this. There’s no excuse for that sort of behaviour and he’s shown exactly what he is capable of. Don’t do it to yourself.

If there had been a lack of clarity about your exclusive status I’d say cut him some slack. However, that was not the case. You’d discussed what you expected from each other.

I think you’ll find it hard to relax and trust him now.

I need to leave him don't I?

In a word, yes. He’s cheated on you

How did you find out and what was his reasoning?

It’s so hard to find out later when you have invested more in a relationship.
Really horrible for you but I’d struggle to get past it if it was me I think

I found out because he was scrolling through some pictures on his phone and there were some from a while back that she'd sent him. I quizzed him and could tell he was struggling to think of an excuse so I demanded his phone off him there and then. Found messages to his mate saying how he'd taken some 'honey' out one Monday night. I checked back through our messages from that night and I'd not heard from him at all that night then I got a message from him the next day saying he'd left his phone at work which is why he'd not been in touch
I feel so sick, he's really lead me to believe he's a genuine trust worthy guy. No red flags, never let me down (that I've known about anyway) introduced me to his family over Xmas and things have been going from strength to strength since then
His justification is that at the time he wasn't sure how I felt about him and didn't think that we'd get as far as we have. He said he regretted it after date 3 with her and realised he wanted to focus on me which I suppose fits as it was around a month after that he told me he loved me and things started to get more serious between us.
It's really rocked me, it's totally the opposite to the kind of guy he presents himself to be.

The fact he referred to a girl he took out as ‘some honey’ speaks volumes. Very disrespectful attitude towards women.

So he wasn't even up front with you?
He's a waste of space. No matter how nice he seems he's character isn't one conducive to a healthy, happy relationship.
You'll forever worry and you won't be able to ever trust him.
Your respect for him should have gone
You deserve so much better.

The worst part he's blaming you for his cheating as he didn't know where he stood with you....so it's your fault he dated another girl?!
He's a manipulative man. No red flags means his pretty good at cheating

Yeah I know I need to get rid. I've lost all respect for him and in all honesty he's making my skin crawl.
Reading the message to his mate made me feel sick as he's always been so respectful. So different to who he pretended to be with me. Feel like I don't know him at all now

Op, there are a lot of red flags now! One year in and you have discovered he lied to you easily and he is trying to blame you which is an indication of manipulation.

You cannot trust him, just one year and he has already proven he is s liar. Why would you take the chance?

All he had to do was be honest with you that he wasn't sure of the relationship at 4 months.. if he cant do this when the stakes are low (16 weeks of dating!) he is liable to lie through his teeth when you are more involved.

I don’t understand this agreement to exclusivity business. I’ve always thought that’s if you go on a date with one person until you agree that it’s over you stay true. I can’t see anything justifies cheating regardless of the length of time together. Either you’re together or you’re not.

The ‘some honey’ also causes concern. It shows a degree of arrogance and dismissal of someone he chose to havevsex with. Hardly valuing and affirming.

You had an explicit conversation about being exclusive and he lied to you. He was a snake. I wouldn't be coming back from that.

You cannot trust him, just one year and he has already proven he is s liar. Why would you take the chance?

I know. I just needed a kick up the bum/ handhold
I know what I need to do.
Definitely staying single and getting more puppies from now on!

To be fair most people I know wouldn't assume one date = exclusive. I dated my DP for 5-6 months before we agreed not to see anyone else. Not unusual.

But if you do agree that then it's completely explicit so to be honest it makes the situation even worse. He can't argue he wasn't sure what the situation was, etc. Well he can and he is arguing that- but it isn't much of an argument

Good. Get rid of him. Not worth the heartache down the line especially with kids involved

I can tell you what I DID - I stayed with him, tried to get over it, pretend it never happened. Over time my self esteem plummeted and paranoia soared and he had a problem with my possessive jealousy. I didn't trust him to go out and we'd have huge arguments when he did. I'd wreck myself with nerves, not being able to sleep all night when he went out. I was angry and jealous when he spoke to any woman at all. I was not myself. I was a mess and I wasted years like this.

I hope you make better choices than me.

@Boilerbap I agree. I was open with him in the very early days and said I wasn't looking for anything too serious. When we had the chat about being exclusive I said several times that if he wanted to keep seeing other people then I'd have been ok with that and I'd have done the same but he was adamant he wanted to be exclusive.
I'm just so gutted

@PaintingOwls thanks. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone I feel like I need to keep tabs on all the time. He's shown me what a good liar he is so now I'd never be able to trust anything he says again. Plus I've lost all respect for him as a man.

I wish I'd found out at the time though, it's so shit that we've got to this point all based on a lie

It’s not the dating someone else so much, it’s the lies that would put me right off. If it was me I would bin him.

It’s bad enough that he’s done it but to essentially put the blame on you

‘His justification is that at the time he wasn't sure how I felt about him and didn't think that we'd get as far as we have.’

is abhorrent. I wouldn’t be able to trust him ever again. I hope you’re ok , very cruel that he’s let things continue and develop while hiding such a betrayal.

If someone I was dating, told me that they didn't want anything serious, and that they didn't mind if I was seeing other men, then I'd take them at their word. You certainly didn't make him feel cherished with those comments. And now you're gutted that he did what you told him he could do?

Given that backdrop, if things are now good, I'd let it slide, tbh.

I don’t understand this agreement to exclusivity business. I’ve always thought that’s if you go on a date with one person until you agree that it’s over you stay true.

Multi-dating is quite normal and actually a good way to avoid getting hurt/ over-invested in one person too quickly. It’s especially bad that the OP was open to continuing this set up but her ‘d’p wanted to become exclusive instead. Another reason why multi-dating is good - he could have gone on other dates guilt free if he hadn’t insisted on exclusivity and sorted out who he wanted to be with in his own mind without cheating on the OP.

@Huskylover1 that was literally when we first began talking. I wasn't looking for anything serious. About 3 months in I asked if we could be exclusive because I'd developed feelings for him and wasn't interested in anyone else. He said he felt the same at that point. A month later he began seeing her

Gosh he's made you feel like utter crap. If a man does this he's not good enough to be anywhere near you.
My ex did a similar thing about six months in. Begged he'd made a mistake. I thought wow he must really love me because he's so upset.
Few months later found out he'd be cheating on me with the girl.
He never once apologised.
I tried so hard to make the relationship work when deep down I didn't trust him

@Azuresea yeah he's cried and begged me not to end things but I just feel numb

yes yes yes yes yes LEAVE!

This is your early warning klaxon - it's as simple as that.

He's a cheaty cheat. You've wasted a year - don't waste any longer.

I GUARANTEE that if you don't, you will look back on this thread and kick yourself!