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Original poster

Husband doesn't want sex

16 replies

earringlady · 09/04/2019 05:55

Long time lurker, first-time poster.
Please be gentle. Hubby and I have been together for 18ish years, mid-thirties, two young kids. Both have good jobs, hubby is struggling ATM with anxiety, for which he is taking medication and getting help, I'm so proud of him for doing this.
My issue is his complete lack of sex drive. We have always had a healthy sex life (not everyday, but satisfying) but things have tapered off massively in the last year. It's a side effect of his education for his anxiety, which I understand but he doesn't touch me ever. At all. No hand holding, no hugs, nothing.
My self esteem is so low, partly because of the two babies and his lack of affection. When we do have sex I feel like he's doing it because he has too, not because he wants too and he never ever initiates it.
We had a date night last week, kids looked after, went to dinner, had a drink, came home, I got into bed naked, he smiled and told me he wanted to have sex but was to tired. So said good night.
This has happened lots, we have the opportunity and he just doesn't want it. I've tried everything I can, waxes, nice underwear but I don't even get an admiring look. It's devastating to me and the humiliation and rejection is overwhelming. I honestly don't know what else to do. Any advice?

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 09/04/2019 05:59

Have you spoken openly with your DH about it? I appreciate he's telling you how about each occasion (not tonight I'm tired) but have you spoken about the bigger lack of sex, intimacy and affection? There are lots of ways he could be showing you intimacy and affection without sex if he is experiencing a lack of drive due to meds or MH. I currently have postnatal depression and anxiety following a traumatic birth and have to say that sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment. I just dont have any desire for it but intimacy can be cuddles, kisses, snuggles on the sofa etc and is so different.

Original poster
earringlady · 09/04/2019 06:01

Thank you. Yes I have, he just says he doesn't feel like it. When I do speak to him he does try for a but afterwards but it's very forced and in natural and makes me feel worse.

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 09/04/2019 06:08

Would he go to couples counseling? You need to find a middle ground where you can be supportive but not completely have your needs dismissed.

Original poster
earringlady · 09/04/2019 06:10

I could ask. I am very supportive and I don't get frustrated with him but my self esteem is rock bottom and it makes me ache when I see a husband being affectionate or complimting his wife.

OP posts:
dottycat123 · 09/04/2019 06:10

If he's taking ssri antidepressants they can kill the most ardent sex drive and cause erectile dysfunction. Common types are fluoxetine, sertraline, citalopram. A change to another group of antidepressants may help, suggest he visits GP.

Wallywobbles · 09/04/2019 06:11

If it's the medication I'm not sure there's much that you or he can do. Presumably he's not giving any affection because he's worried that it'll turn into you wanting more. Might that be the case?

Could the GP look at different medications? Sorry I know it's soul destroying for you but it doesn't sound like les gone off you because he's playing away or anything.

Fishcakey · 09/04/2019 06:16

In the same boat. Just keep reminding yourself it isn't you, it's the meds! To be honest I would rather have the lack of sex life than have DH in the state he was this time last year but sometimes I feel rubbish about myself and rejected and I have to really kick myself into touch. Stay strong lovely xxx

ConfCall · 09/04/2019 08:01

On a positive note it’s not you, it’s the medication. There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with your marriage. So, I think that the next step is the GP. I’d avoid the waxing/sexy underwear scenarios OP - that won’t help, it’ll just add to the pressure.

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/04/2019 08:05

Can you suggest he mentions this to the GP, a different medication may help. Some medications for depression/anxiety can make you feel better but sort of mentally flat so your mood may be better but it's still sort ot numb (sorry if that's confusing but its hard to describe).

ScreamingLadySutch · 09/04/2019 08:07

Its the medication. Antidepressants wreak havoc with your sex drive.

I remember when I was bf tiny babies. Sex drive absolutely zero and I was all touched out.

I would explain to him, it was like a switch had been flicked off. And of course that was the oxytocin hormones directed at the babies, not lack of love for him.

Can he deal with the root cause of the anxiety? You are not supposed to be on ADs for ever.

ConfusedDH · 09/04/2019 08:36

Definitely the meds - its a common side effect and one brushed under the carpet far too often.

I'm in the same position with my DW, but there are no meds involved. We've started couples counselling as a last attempt to save the marriage.

Original poster
earringlady · 09/04/2019 09:17

Thanks for the response. I do understand that it's the meds but that doesn't make me feel any better. I don't want him to change meds for this reason as he's only just got settled on these ones and I mcih prefer having a happier husband than one struggling with anxiety but it's still very hard to be in a marraige with no intamicy at all. Surely it's not healthy? It's not nice to not feel wanted or desired by your partner, especially as I do make a lot of effort.
I think having the babies so close together and this on top has hugely affected my self esteem. It's so humiliating to hope every night he might make a move and then its horrible when he doesn't. I understand it's not his fault but it's very hard.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 09/04/2019 09:51

I think you probably need to accept that for the next year this is the way it is. Stop expecting and it'll be less rejection.

Apart from meds what's happening to help him get better?

SoHotADragonRetired · 09/04/2019 09:56

Can you talk to him about non-sexual intimacy? Kissing, hand holding, naked cuddling, giving each other massages?

What if you took sex off the table for a month or two and focused on non sexual, low pressure intimacy?

Musti · 09/04/2019 10:42

Agree with pp. Tell your husband not to worry about sex for the moment but you want physical affection. That should take the pressure off. I remember when I was knee deep in nappies with no inclination for sex and every cuddle would lead to an erection from my ex. So I stopped being affectionate too.

CandidaAlbicans · 09/04/2019 16:16

He can excuse his lack of libido because of the medication, but what's his excuse for "No hand holding, no hugs, nothing"? That's nothing to do with sex drive but makes a huge positive difference in relationships Hmm

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