Separating complicated by old flame

[Athrawes]

I have been with DH for 15 years, married for 10, one child (under 10). I haven't been happy for a long time and have often thought that I would rather live on my own - obviously with my child - and just not need to be responsible for another persons food/pants/happiness all of the time.
Anyway. 6 months ago I got chatting online to a very old flame. We met up in person 2 months ago and there was an instant attraction and yes, we did sleep together.
So, back to DH - I felt that this was the kick that i needed to actually do something about my marriage. I said that I thought we should separate. DH is devastated.
Since then Old Flame has got a job in my town and has started proceedings to separate from his wife.
On the one hand this is what I want; Old Flame makes my heart melt and DH and I were stale.
On the other hand I am having regrets for not having tried harder with my marriage - not having given DH a chance to do something, what I don't know?
I can't see what DH could do to make me happy - I want to be independent and have said as much to Old Flame - I don't want to live with him - I want space, not another man's pants to wash! - and if he leaves his wife it must be because that is what he wants, not because of me.
It is a mess.

I dont think its too bad - the important thing is to get your place, your independence, and reflect from there (trust me, it feels great!). Prioritise yourself and your child and you cant go far wrong.

Yes get out of your marriage
Dont do anything with old flame yet to free and storted. And yet him do the same .
Talk as friends if you need too.
But your head was turn by him and realised your marriage was done .
You are doing the right thing .

First response was it’s not too bad.....wtf. This is terrible.

So you cheated on your husband and ripped off the other mans wife? If I’ve got that right, that’s fucking terrible behaviour.

Had you posted this as a man you’d have been torn to shreds, but luckily for you this is mumsnet where men can’t cheat but women can.

Does it not sicken you that you’re part of the reason he’s leaving his wife? Imagine the hurt!

Have you discussed your relationship with your DH or will he be completely blindsided by you having an affair with an old flame and wanting to leave him?

It's your DH, your child and the AP's wife I feel sorry for.

I'm in the same situation roughly.

You need to leave, you knew that before the old flame appeared but the idea that he will be there when you are single makes the idea of going through the pain and effort of separation easier to bear I think.

He, and you, need to leave for reasons other than each other.

But your marriage is over.

Well you definitely need to separate, you cheated on him. Have you told him? Might help him realise he's better off without you.

I get it. Living my own version of the same.

For what it’s worth - I think people have a right to want to be happy. And take time to figure out what that means for them.
So - do that, figure it out.
If you feel you want to give H time to fix things - and it feels right - do that.
If it’s too late and nothing he can do anymore - (as is in my case) - then sooner everyone moves on the better.

Your old flame isn’t separating because of you. Like with you - people often stay in dysfunctional and unhappy relationships because of inertia and fear of change. And a catalyst is helpful. But the catalyst iSNT the reason. It’s just that, a little push when things fall into place and the path becomes clear.

Good luck. It won’t be easy.

Like with you - people often stay in dysfunctional and unhappy relationships because of inertia and fear of change. And a catalyst is helpful. But the catalyst iSNT the reason. It’s just that, a little push when things fall into place and the path becomes clear.

This makes so much sense to me. It's exactly where I am at.