Help needed please!

[Victoria198]

Hi, this is my first time posting so please be kind!
I've been married 4 years, have two beautiful children age 3& nearly 1. My husband got "let go" from his job 7 months ago when I was half way into my mat leave. Six months later he is still out of work. He was in a very well paid job but I've realised spent on several credit cards & has no savings. Money is extremely tight with 1 income & all my savings have gone in keeping us afloat before I went back to work. He clearly has some issues with the fact I'm now the main breadwinner. He's refused to tell family/friends about his/our situation which has caused extra stress with trying to keep up a front/lying. We are both very stressed out by the situation but the way he talks to me is vile, horrid name calling, he's aggressive, (not physically) shouts and swears in front of the children & I'm getting towards the end of my patience. He makes out it's all my fault he lost his job and takes it out on me. Half an hour late he's usually apologetic and knows he's done wrong.
Then I found out a few weeks back when I went through his ipad he had been texting a prostitute. The messages were disgusting & I'm appalled by it, he didn't meet up with her but what I'm more worried about is I seem to have lost my fight. Me five years ago would have kicked him to the curb, I don't know what's happened to me. I confided in my MIL who is aware of the full situation, she thinks he needs to have some power etc or control as he has it no where else in his life. She will obviously always be on his side.

My parents have been married 45 years and would see a breakdown of our marriage as a failure etc and I don't like to give up. I want to give my children the very best and don't want them coming from a broken home.... but Tonight he's annoyed over some or another nonsense and called me a fat C**t. When do you know to call it a day? When is enough enough?
Thanks for reading if you got this far!x

When he calls you the C word.

I don't mean to be flippant, and I can get why he's stressed, as I'm sure you do, but you guys should be turning towards each other, trying to find a way out, not one of you being abusive to the other.

His mum is probably right about the control thing, but that doesn't make it ok. He should find his control by taking control of the situation and doing what he can to get out of it.

The texting is also vile. He's treating you terribly. Only you can decide if it's worth fighting for, but have you spoken to him about all of these things as a collective? Have you sat calmly and asked him to consider these things and whether he thinks they're ok? Ask him that question and don't let him slip out of the answer. Ask him if he'd be proud of his son for speaking to his partner that way in the future, or would he find it ok for someone to speak to his daughter like that. Remain calm, seek the answers, and use that as your starting point. That's what I'd do I think. This is stressful for you too, but I presume you aren't treating him the same way, so it's clearly possible to deal with the stress differently to how he is doing.

But for the record as it stands, it sounds like a horrible environment to live in and no one should feel like a victim in their own home. for you.

Needsomebottle thank you for taking the time to reply. Reading your message has made me realise how bad it has actually got. I'm not perfect but I have done my very best to support him both financially and emotionally and boost his morale where possible. It's not the first time he's lost his job so I feel I'm well practiced. I would never resort to vicious name calling and never say a bad word about him in front of our children. I think the love has all but gone. I need to try and now accept that.

Sometimes denial and trying to force everything to work is the failure, regardless of how your parents see things, Identifying you are at the end of this chapter is the start of a solution.

What the change is, is up to you, but a good start would be towards a position of safety. He needs to make major changes and even then do you really want him and do you trust him?

I think it's always the children that make you want to stay and put up with it. Of course you don't want to break up your family, but it's taking its toll on you as a person.

I'm sorry but he's calling you names? Does he not realise you are supporting an entire household because he can't find a job. Any job to support your wife and 2 children would be sufficient.

If it was me I'd tell DH that he needs to go and stay at his parents house until he finds somewhere else to live, explain that you aren't happy and feel like you're just coping and that there is no love between you two anymore.

My parents were married for 29 years and the best time of my life was when my mum finally found the courage to leave my pig of a father who abused her for many years. Show your children that that's not the way to live xx

His response to losing his job is reprehensible. Turning to a prostitute, being vile and abusive to you, being vila and abusive to you in front of your young and impressionable children, blaming you for his job loss! How did you make him lose his job by the way?!? Make him sleep in? Make him tired?!? Not be an effective worker?

Ugh, just reading this has me worked up. He is responsible for himself! Unless you showed up at his work, drunk, stripped down and tried to shag him then his boss maybe?!? Did you call his work daily asking for him to come home? No, neither of those? Hmmmm

Why doesn’t he have a job yet? What does he have on his credit card? The prostitute? He needs to find something and quick.

Maybe kick him out to his moms for awhile. You don’t need to be treated like that while you pay for everything and probably do most things in the home as well. Get some freedom and see how much you like it.

PS. Don’t worry about what your parents think. When they hear about his behaviour all they will worry about is you. I have been there, done that and my parents were nothing but supportive and continue to be so.

You need to leave now. He is awful. He is being abusive to you. Losing your job is no excuse to be verbally aggressive to you, texting prostitutes and blaming you for losing the job.

I put up with so much shit off my ex husband but one day I just snapped. I didn't want my children thinking this was how a relationship was supposed to be- didn't want my daughter growing up thinking it was ok for a man to tell her to fuck off and didn't want my son thinking this was how men treat their partners. And that was just what they saw, never mind the cheating etc.

Throwing him out was the best thing I ever did. Please don't see it as a failure. It's not. It's doing the best thing for you and your children. They need you to be on top form. It will be hard at first but you won't look back and regret it. You will regret staying with this excuse of a man though.

"Staying for the children" is such a cop out.

Why on earth would you want your children to think that this is how you speak to people? This is how you treat the ones you supposedly love?

All "staying for the children" does is ensure that their "normal" is what you are modelling by accepting being treated like this by their father.