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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend problems

21 replies

tam1779 · 08/04/2019 19:24

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 6 months and looking back he's never made an effort for me. I cook all the time, he never offers or bring any wine or flowers, I don't want gifts all the time but a token for thanks for cooking again might be nice. He's met all my friends and close family I've not met any if his friends or family. I always organise any date night, there's only been about 3! As I think he should make an effort for me. I dont want to sound like its all about me but am I wrong in thinking this isn't quite right??. He always comes to my place so I feel pressured to always be the one to cook, he doesn't invite me to his and I don't like to be the one to invite myself over?. Any advise would be much appreciated

OP posts:

Chocolateisfab · 08/04/2019 19:29

I would be wondering why I was a secret tbh....

RoseOfSharyn · 08/04/2019 19:31

Wouldn't waste my time, energy or food to be honest.

Does he wash up after you've cooked? Why have you only been out 3 times in 6 months? Why have you not been to his house? Is he married?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/04/2019 19:33

This doesn’t sound like a relationship OP sorry

Original poster

tam1779 · 08/04/2019 19:37

No he doesn't wash up! He stays over so I think he will do it in the morning but never does.....he tells me he puts the pots in to soak!. Yeah it's also costing a bit to feed us both I'm a single mum so money is tight and he doesn't offer to help with money, not that I would accept it but the offer would be nice. No he's not married he lives next door to his mum his family and friends know about me but we've never met, just all feels one sided and think I just needed to hear from someone else that it wasn't quite right. We don't go out much as i get the impression He's doesn't have much spare money. What would you do??

OP posts:

RoseOfSharyn · 08/04/2019 19:40

Is not invest anything else in this, whether it be emotionally, financially or culinarily!
He knows you're a single parent and is taking advantage of your nature. By being at yours he can use your food, heat, water, electric, etc. but doesn't even have the decency to thank you. Sod that! He's a full on cocklodger.

RoseOfSharyn · 08/04/2019 19:44

Me and my DP don't go out much. I love to cook so I cook for us both, he ALWAYS does the dishes afterwards and we take turns buying ingredients.
We also use each others houses equally.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/04/2019 19:45

You really need to ask if you should bin him? He's a loser. Don't waste one more second on him.

Original poster

tam1779 · 08/04/2019 19:45

Hahaha brilliant! That's that then your totally right I thought I was just being petty by him staying and using all my facilities, I wouldn't mind if I was using his too!. This has to end. Thank you!

OP posts:

LumpyPillow · 08/04/2019 19:46

Youre basically going out with an overgrown child. Its weird, all of it. I would dump. You dont sound like hard work you sound like a reasonable woman, its not unreasonable to want something, anything back from all the giving .. Even an invite to his house... He sounds like a loser.

NameChangeNugget · 08/04/2019 19:55

Bin him off OP. All the effort here is one way.

category12 · 08/04/2019 19:57

What's the point of dating him, when you're not actually dating?

crappyday2018 · 08/04/2019 20:07

What on earth do you see in him op? Does he actually have a job? He's leeching off you. I bet his mum does everything for him too - they fact he lives next door to her speaks volume.
Please dump him. Don't even tell him its because he's a leech because, no doubt he will offer to change. Just tell him its not working for you any more.

NWQM · 08/04/2019 20:17

That's just not dating. You deserve a fuss. Don't apologise for expecting better.

Lockcodger · 08/04/2019 20:18

Tam I'd run a mile from this guy. He sounds exactly like my narcissistic (and highly abusive) ex. Weirdly we broke up about 6 months ago.

Not appreciating your efforts of cooking etc shows entitlement. He thinks Its your job to cater for him so why should he show gratitude?

Not sharing finances shows entitlement again and is very common in abusive men. They tend to live parasitic lifestyles and choose their victims carefully (normally someone vulnerable in some way e.g single parent). It wont be long before he asks to move in and you're paying for everything, including funding his lifestyle

Not helping you wash up, not sharing cooking, not arranging and paying for dates shows lack of empathy and irresponsibility as he doesnt care that the burden falls on you, especially as a busy single mum with alot on your plate.

Pretty non specific I know but he may live near his mum so he can parasitise off her. Does she do his washing/cleaning etc and lives close to make sure he stays on the right track.

Are all his exes "crazy/psycho/bitches"?

I have a thread called arsehole or narcissist which you may want to check out and see if there are other warning signs.

Original poster

tam1779 · 08/04/2019 20:24

I do wonder what I see in him!. He has a job but I'm just going to say it's over he won't change I'm sure of that. And yes I was a little surprised when he told me he lived next door to his mum, certainly does explain a few things. Time to do the right thing. I hate doing the dumping and will definitely take your advise in just saying it's not working otherwise I fear it will drag on to I will change!!

OP posts:

crappyday2018 · 08/04/2019 20:28

@tam1779 you're doing the right thing. You deserve better. I can also bet there is a reason you've not met his family or friends - you might see the other side of him.
I can also bet that he is a mummy's boy and that is why he sits back and lets you do all the work, because that is how he has been brought up.
Don't feel bad about dumping him. He doesn't feel bad about leeching off a single mother.

choli · 08/04/2019 20:42

I bet he lives with his mother but pretends to live nextdoor.

MadameAnchou · 08/04/2019 20:45

This isn't a boyfriend or a relationship, this is just a using cunt. You need to bin him off and then stop dating until you can figure out just why your bar is set so low a flea could limbo under it.

madcatladyforever · 08/04/2019 20:45

If he's not making an effort in the first 6 months of your relationship then he never will. I'd tell him you're not feeling it and perhaps you should split up. If he takes it casually then you will know. Don't be a door mat.

Original poster

tam1779 · 10/04/2019 08:26

Thank you for all the advise, I finished the relationship last night and as I expected he didn't apologise as he felt he wasn't doing anything wrong. Seems he's just a taker and didn't understand one bit where I was coming from!. Lucky escape comes to mind

OP posts:

Thehop · 10/04/2019 08:31

Definitely dodged a bullet love!

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