Regarding Stepmother: she and my father got together when I was in my 30's, shortly after my mother's death, and shortly before I got married and moved to England (they're in the US). Over the years, she has been rather nasty to me on a few occasions via emails, but I haven't seen her in person since my wedding 13 years ago.
I was away on a business trip last week. Just after midnight, my husband called me to say that I needed to call my Stepmother because she had called and woken him and asked for me but wouldn't tell him why. Just refused to say anything other than that I needed to call. So, of course I called her (even though this costs about eleventy pounds per minute on my mobile phone). She answered and said, "Mutton, I'm sorry but your father is declining fast."
I thought she meant, like, he was on life support and his vitals were getting lower or something like that so I asked what was going on and she said, "I don't know how to tell you this.... sigh... but your father needs to come live with you in England so you can take care of him."
I asked her what was going on and she said that he's been having issues driving and had had a couple of falls. Then she said "and of course your bother is useless and I have arthritis and I'm old so you have to take care of him." (My brother has addiction and mental health issues.)
I did NOT freak out on her for waking my husband up and scaring the shit out of him, waking me up and scaring the shit out of me, calling my brother useless. I was perfectly calm and I swear I kept my tone kind and reasonable. I did say that I didn't think he could legally come live in the UK but that I would talk to my husband and get back to them. I called husband and we both googled and, yeah, it's incredibly unlikely that he can legally move to the UK. I called back and my dad answered. I asked him to call me back on the hotel landline number. We were going over the long international phone number, reading it back to one another to make sure he got it right and she was in the background crabbing "she just said 287 and last time she said 827" so we went over it again and I said, "yeah, OK - you got it right." And she went "Well, that's not what she said the first time" and he said something like "...could you not..." and I said, "yeah could she not? Because that sort of shit isn't helpful at 12:30am."
OK, I was wrong to do that. I wasn't really aware that she could hear me but duh - she heard me say the phone number the first time so of course she could. Anyway, when we reconnected I was trying to explain to him that, unfortunately, he would be unlikely to satisfy the visa requirements for a dependent parent - you have to prove that A) you can financially support them and B) you can't afford to get them care in their home county. (For this reason, it is extremely rare for these visas to be granted.)
I wanted to understand what the fuck was going on. Why did she want him to go live in England rather than, say, an assisted living facility. Was everything OK between them? He assured me all was well. Then he said, "Listen, could you apologise to Stepmother? You really hurt her feelings?"
I handled it wrong, I said, "Honestly, not at this moment, no. She calls in the middle of the night, makes me think you're dying, calls my brother useless, and I'm not feeling contrite at the moment. Probably, later, I will but I'm not feeling apologetic in this moment."
I tried to continue to talk to him about what was going on - I pointed out that, from the UK government's POV, he could afford care. He conceded that he would probably need to move into a facility. I said, "You know, it doesn't mean some place that smells of pee where they just wheel you out to stare at the wall every afternoon." He agreed that his pension was adequate enough to cover something nice. I wanted to keep talking to him because I am worried about him but he seemed sort of eager to get off the phone. I said, "Am I on speaker phone?" "No, not now." "Are you able to talk to me privately, without her listening?" "Sometimes."
Then she started ranting at him in the background and telling him that he never stands up for her, etc etc and I was reminded of the time she was ranting about how I couldn't come visit in October, not even to stay in a hotel because she wanted him to be available to drive her around. And not at a later date either because she didn't know how long she would need him. He was crying that time. At the time, I told myself that she was just in physical pain and she probably wasn't simply trying to obstruct things. But tonight I started to worry that maybe she's some kind of abusive harridan and WHY WAS SHE SAYING HE HAD TO MOVE OUT?! So, I realised that being high-handed and not-in-an-apologetic-mood was having a negative impact on him in that moment so I told him that I wanted to apologise to her. He put her on the phone and in my sweetest, most contrite voice possible I ate about a dozen slices of humble pie. I apologised for my tone and told her that my tiredness and worry were no excuse for my disrespectful words. "Well, you've never really liked me and I don't know why. And, also, you should cut out all the f-words and cursing on your Facebook page because you don't represent yourself very well and it's bad for your children if they see it." I promised her I would. The whole time I was flipping off the phone with both hands but I said whatever that cow wanted to hear. Ugh.
I honestly don't know what the fuck is going on there or what the fuck she was trying to do. I think she just feels overwhelmed and wanted to share the misery so she called me up and frightened me with her dramatic "your father is declining rapidly" in the middle of the night. I think she's frustrated that my brother is of no help and sort of feels like someone ought to do something and she is maybe angry that I can't really do anything. Maybe she brought up assisted living and he wasn't interested so she decided to force me to tell him. I don't fucking know.
I wish I had handled it differently. I wish I had said, "Of course he can come live with us. I'll contact a solicitor in the morning" and then broken the bad news that it's not legally possible AFTER I had clearly demonstrated my desire to help. I'm really annoyed that I fucked that up. So, the next day, I sent an email to both of them (he doesn't seem to answer his own emails or his own facebook messages - for some time all such messages seem to come from her accounts.) I said that I wasn't optimistic but that if he wanted to try, here's the pertinent link to the UK gov website and I would look for a good immigration solicitor. I also said that I thought she sounded overwhelmed and that I wanted to help if at all possible - I can't move back to the US but maybe I could come and give her a couple of week's respite.
He replied (from her email account) to say that he didn't want to live in England and that he hoped to visit sometime soon.
A couple of days later a friend told me about how you can call the US for just a couple of pounds a month via Skype. I called my dad and spoke to him. He acted like nothing happened. He's fine. He's driving "very cautiously." He thinks maybe it was a "mini stroke" but he's feeling fine, now.
Ugh. Whatever.
I tried to get him to talk about the fact that I got a batshit crazy call in the middle of the night but he just didn't get it. The ONLY thing he had to say about the conversation was to very sternly tell me that I must never, ever speak like that to Stepmother again. (I didn't speak to her. She was fucking listening to shit that wasn't even being addressed to her.) He also said "You need to understand that she is the number one person in my life. That doesn't mean that I don't love you, but she comes first." I thought that was a sort of gross thing to say - who frames things like that? I certainly never had. I've genuinely been grateful that my dad has someone and I've never said anything like "choose me or her." I honestly felt like he had been told to tell me that by her.
I think they were having some stupid fight so she called me to punish him (and me). I'm not going to put up with that any more.
So I'm going to have to draw some boundaries. I can't help my dad any more than I can help my brother. At least my brother doesn't call me in the middle of the night demanding to move to England.
The truth is, I have always spoken to her respectfully and politely. She likes to think I'm some horrible person and I'm going to let her. But I'm not going to put any effort into dealing with her. If she had wanted my help and sympathy and asked for it, I'd have given whatever I could - as meager as that might be. But she will never ask me for help and sympathy. So there's no need to speak to her.
I have blocked them both from Facebook. I'm going to tell my dad that I've left Facebook because I'm sick of the fake news and spam or something and they'll never know any different. I've told my Husband that if she calls in the middle of the night again, he can tell her that he'll get a message to me and I'll get it in the morning unless she actually says "Her father is dying right now in the hospital." Frankly, it doesn't matter if he is dying at that moment. I can't save his life. I'm not actually going to be scrambling jets to rush over in hopes of watching him breath his last. I decided a few months ago that I would visit him while he was still alive and that's what I did. I may not even be able to attend his funeral - I'd want to for the sake of my brother and would love to see relatives but whatever.
I have come to feel that as soon as my father is unable to speak on the phone to me, he's lost to me. Like I said, I can't race over to hold his hand in the hospital. I don't want him to feel like I don't care but if he's not able to talk then surely he won't know?
I was feeling guilty all week for being over here and unable to help. But the truth is, my dad was fucking thrilled to see me married off. He was over the moon that someone was "willing" to marry me and my bastard child. LOL. And, they both moved in together in their old age knowing full well that sickness and death was in their future. Hopefully they'll be making sensible plans now - but I can't do anything about it.
I can maintain contact with him via his cell phone number and snail mail. I don't know if I was out of order to block him on Facebook along with her but I don't know if he even logs in anymore - he has messaged me from her account so I suppose she would just message me from his. (In the past, she has sent alarming messages ranting about how I need to stop my brother drinking or upsetting my father, telling me that he's going to end up homeless, and that sort of upsetting stuff. I don't have much of a relationship with my brother and I can't make him do anything.)
Regarding the possibility of a funeral in the next year or two: I said goodbye to him in October - I deliberately visited then because I wanted to see him while we could still enjoy it. A nurse friend of mine told me that congestive heart failure does mean that he's not going to live much longer so I went into debt to go over, and knew that meant I probably couldn't afford to go back for a funeral in the near future. My dad actually said that was the right way to do it - "what is the point of visiting me when I'm dead?" He's not sentimental and when my mom died he said that he didn't want us to waste money on a funeral for him. Obviously, there will be a funeral - I'm just saying that he doesn't care. The only reason I'd go would be for my brother's sake. But I'd genuinely be afraid of his girlfriend being obstructive and miserable. If there's a funeral version of Bridezilla, I'd expect her to be it.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Am I doing the right thing?