Resentment and Anger towards the father of my child - please help

[KellyFarrell]

I have been in a not so great relationship for the last 2 and a half years.. In that time, we had our daughter who is nearly 2 years old. At the start of the relationship, he was telling me how he's a great father (another daughter from a previous relationship), how he is hands on, how is faithful, respectful, loving, caring... I was sucked in hook, line and sinker.. Went I found out I was pregnant, he told me he had cheating on me with his ex, that felt like a dagger in the heart.. Of course, he was all so apologetic and in time, I forgave him as I was expecting my first child with him. As time went on, he turned into jekyll and Hyde.. very aggressive towards me, in my face, even when I was heavily pregnant.. it was scary at times but then he would be all apologetic again.. as time went on, it was getting more and more often, but this time, instead of blaming me, would make me believe it was my fault.. I had our daughter, but he didn't keep to his words of being a doting dad.. I did EVERYTHING.. and still do.. He has become more and more manipulative and I began just to except this and take the blame.. it was easier..and I didn't want my child to see his temper..It happened again on Christmas Day, shoving me, dragging me, throwing my phone out of the window but yet again, I apologies and took the blame to save what christmas we had left.. All the time, in know what was happening and what he was doing, but I kept biting my tongue... We have recently split up, I couldn't take it anymore.. but now I'm just feeling resentful and very emotional.. He is doing what ever he wants to do.. going out.. meeting/chatting to girls.. whilst I'm at home feeling a failure and feeling like a total utter worthless human being.. I'm crying all the time and its not good for either me or my daughter.. and I hate feeling this way.. I can't stop him from seeing his daughter as much as I would love to as I'm her sole carer.. I get a little of bit of maintenance a month but not by any means that helps towards her upkeep.. I'm paying for everything.. doing all the hardworking, looking after our home, bringing up my beautiful daughter and going to work, whilst he has the life of a singleton, doing what ever he wants.. having a life!! I just feel sick all the time.. I wish I could just disappear for a month, let all the emotions go and then come back, but I can't... I'm really struggling to move on.. Any advice I would greatly appreciate..

You are not a bloody failure here, he is. You have got yourself away from your abuser, an action for which your DD will thank you. She deserves to have positive and life affirming lessons on relationships.

Love your own self for a change, consider counselling and look carefully at what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. Please consider enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid and do this in person. This will help you a lot going forward because it is for those who have been in an abusive relationship and are struggling to move on.

I would get advice from Womens Aid or the Rights of Women organisations re any and all maintenance issues and his access to your child.

Thank you.. I will definitely look up those organisations..

Firstly, go to your GP and get counselling sorted. Secondly, ring CMS and make sure you are getting all of the money that you are entitled to. This man is a parasite and vermin and he will do it again and again. You need help to get over this and move on with your life. You fell for a bad one, a liar. Never believe a word a man says to you again especially one with kids by somebody else. Always be sceptical. Always think why aren’t they with that other woman. What happened and always double check the facts before sleeping with somebody. Men like that never change and can’t be trusted. It happened to a friend of mine. He already had kids. She played doting step mum and let him live in her house rent free because the poor dear was so badly treated by the ex yeah yeah yeah and then he secretly had another baby with somebody else while living with her!!! Never ever take up with a bloke with kids until you’ve spoken to the ex or his friends or his parents and made sure of the facts. They lie. Now it’s time to get yourself back on your feet. You can do this. Don’t let him ruin the rest of your life.

I should of seen the signs very early on as his other daughter at the age of 4, he could only see her through control visitation.. He made me believe it was all his ex's fault and she made up that he was threatening towards her.. after I found out they had slept together, I couldn't go and ask her.. I'm usually a very strong headed and not so gullible person.. but he had a way of me believing him.. I can't explain it.. He's all nice nice and I thought I had got the man of my dreams.. oh he is not!!! I have rang the doctors this afternoon.. I don't want anti-depressants, I just need to reprogram my brain and learnt how to except what was and let go.. learn how to move forward, to get my strength back... and any dignity I have left..

Kelly, you may wish to read my thread on here called Arsehole or narcissist? All of us have been through similar experiences and I have put some information on there about healing after narcissistic or abusive relationships. You have taken a huge but important first step which is recognising you are in an abusive relationship and leaving. Most victims go through the feelings you are having right now. You are not stupid, these men are HIGHLY manipulative and very skilled at getting what they want. Please do not blame yourself 💐