Help me become more tolerant towards MIL

[SharkWeek]

Have nc'd for this as quite outing & do not want this linked to previous posts about miscarriage/conception etc.

My MIL and I have a very fractious relationship.

She was born and bred in a remote area of the UK, lived there for most of her life & has a very "small town" mentality.

Our relationship disintegrated when DH, then DP, & I got engaged. He lived with his DPs for 7 months whilst we found a house & I moved to his home county (LDR).

Due to work commitments etc, I moved down gradually over 2/3 months after the sale had gone through. Each time I'd walk into my own home, something had changed... curtains, kitchen reorganised, bed moved, new ornaments. I would ask her kindly to stop, "oh I couldn't possibly keep that hideous lamp" - then progressed to me firmly telling her that I was really looking forward DH & I decorating the house myself, which then progressed to DH telling her that she was causing arguments between us, could she please stop, or else she wouldn't be allowed a key.

I think this was the crux.

Once she knew she was capable of causing arguments, she has done everything in her power to cause devastation & distraction. Just a few examples - she tried to cancel our wedding... as in called various guests and told them we'd cancelled it days before we were due to get married; she has planted seeds to manipulate various family members (including my mum); two weeks after my miscarriage she asked whether I'm infertile; she came to my house hysterical when my grandfather died (despite never meeting him, they spoke briefly once on the phone)....

We have very little contact. DH is generally supportive & understands this, he's put her in her place, asserted boundaries but still wants a relationship with her.
Since November, things have improved. I see her maybe once or twice a month, always with DH, but ANYTHING she says or does irritates me beyond measure & I cannot help but take everything she says or does personally.

On Saturday we bumped into her. I'm assuming DH told her I was suffering with headaches as she kept hinting that she had headaches throughout her pregnancies & was I pregnant? I said no, but she persistently asked me. I'm sure there was nothing sinister in it but we are struggling to conceive after our mc, & I couldn't help but take it personally, especially after the infertility comments. If it came from anyone else I probably wouldn't have thought anything of it.

We were due to be meeting ILs for lunch on Sunday but I let DH go alone as I didn't have the strength to deflect any comments.

She has been so much better since DH asserted boundaries & I believe she genuinely is sorry for her batshit behaviour but I cannot shake my dislike for her. We are such different people.
It is seriously beginning to affect my relationship with DH.

How do you tolerate significant people in your life that you wouldn't choose to be around? What can I do to make my life easier?

she tried to cancel our wedding... as in called various guests and told them we'd cancelled it days before we were due to get married

Just for this I'd be thinking fuck her, I'd be making no effort to tolerate her better or have any kind of relationship.

Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no. You need radiators around you, not drains like his mother is towards you. Behaviour like this from her should not be at all rewarded.

Her behaviour to date has been utterly appalling and shows a complete lack of respect for her son and you as his now wife. She kept on wondering if you were pregnant. BTW what did your DH do during all this, did he speak up or keep quiet in his mother's presence?. I actually doubt his mother is at all sorry for her batshit behaviour, her actions have been toxic, thoughtless and with no sense of boundaries or filter throughout. Its no reflection on where she is from, it is a reflection of how she was herself raised, frankly more like dragged up by her own uncaring parents. What if anything do you know about her family background, that often gives clues. It is not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

You need higher and more consistently applied boundaries like your DH is currently doing re his mother. He still has some FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) re her though and may out of this want have a relationship with her if he wants to but it does not follow automatically that you have to as well. Your H's own inertia re his mother to date has simply also hurt him as well as you.

Reading "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward could help you as well.

@adulthumanwolf - thank you, I know she is batshit hence why I avoid her... but every now and then I do need to have contact, and I need to learn to not get upset by her, for my own sake.

Thank you for the lengthy reply @Attila that's really helpful.
I do maintain to DH that she is disrespectful but he thinks she's just nuts. DH was speaking to FIL out of earshot, who incidentally is an absolute joy and I believe has had 40 odd years of EA, so didn't catch it. She is clever and will "act" in public - ie commenting on a FB pic "made for eachother" and only upset me when it's just us.

In honesty, I don't know much about her family background. Her parents passed away when DH was in his teens - I believe her dad was lovely but her mother was quite critical and had her "favourites." One brother passed away young, the other disowned his daughter after his wife committed suicide (PND), one sister has an eating disorder, a very large lady, the other sister I've never met and know nothing about.
I guess that alone shows there may be MH issues in the family.

That book has been reccomended to me a few times now - thank you, I will put it on my list.

You don’t need to tolerate this absolute bitch. You can avoid her all you like, your husband should NOT be forcing you into having anything to do with her

was I pregnant? I said no, but she persistently asked me

What was your response to this.., presumably by about the third time of asking you told her “I’ve already told you twice I’m not pregnant, why are you asking me again?”.

@ohfourfoxache LOVE your username
In fairness to DH, he doesn't. He will pop his head in a few times a week on the way home from work. I make an effort for his sake once or twice a month, for a coffee or family event. I don't want to miss out on spending time with family just because I can't tolerate her.

@Coffee
Something along the lines of -
MIL: I suffered with headaches terribly throughout all 3 of my pregnancies. You aren't pregnant are you?
Me: No definitely not -tinkly laugh-
MIL: You are , aren't you? I bet you are.
Me: No MIL I'm definitely not. How's DDog?
MIL: I bet you are!! How many weeks?
Me: I'm not but can assure you that you'll be the first to know (she won't)

I like to think I'm strong and confident in all areas of my life but just something about her makes me crumble.

Hi Sharkweek,

re your comment:-
"In honesty, I don't know much about her family background. Her parents passed away when DH was in his teens - I believe her dad was lovely but her mother was quite critical and had her "favourites."

And this is why his mother is as disordered of thinking as she is, this is also why I write it is not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. It is out of his own fear, obligation and guilt that your DH maintains she is merely nuts, no there is far more behind that.

Was wondering where FIL was in all this; he merely now enables his wife as well. He should not at all be let off the hook here because such women always but always need a willing enabler to help them. He has done his bit here to throw his son and you as his DIL under the bus so I would not want to be seeing him much if at all either.

Do not keep on putting yourself in her firing line for anyone's sake here. And where was your DH when that conversation between she and you was taking place?. The woman has no boundaries or filter and longer term I would keep any DC you go onto have well away from both his parents.

Part of the problem here is your DH. You say he has worked on his boundaries with MIL but sounds like he’s still got lots of work to do.

Minimal contact is the way forward IMO. And no unsupervised contact for the ILs with any future DC.

Broken record is one option for repeated, rude Qs: “Please stop asking personal questions”.

Attila, you are so blunt and direct. It's fantastic! I can only assume you've had issues like these before?

FIL lost both of his parents before 15, no other family. He started working for MILs DF and I understand was practically taken in by him. I think he feels a huge sense of gratitude towards MIL. Various friends at my wedding picked up how much it's evident he dislikes her and is scared of her. He is constantly apologising on her behalf, clearly embarrassed by her behaviour, but she rules the roost.

I think it's this dominance that she feels over FIL that empowers her.

DH was talking to FIL, out of earshot.

Any DC we have will certainly not be spending any time there alone, at all.

Thanks @Loopy that's a good one to use for the future.

I would move far far away to be honest.

Honestly, I can't get over the trying to ruin your wedding thing. My answer to the 'how do you tolerate these kinds of people' Q would be - you don't. Someone who did something like that would be out of my life, no question. I'm really at that - I mean, how can your DP now look at her the same way? What would have happened if she'd actually managed to ruin it? It's really bizarre that this seems to have been filed away and now it's a question of a simple 'ooh I just don't like her though I'm sure she's ok now'. That is either so poisonous that you would cut out that person for your own peace of mind, OR such a bizarre thing to do that I would not be prepared to have contact until she had sought help for whatever mental disorder she was suffering.

Therefore, I am not going to answer your question in the way you want. I am going to suggest that you have a good think about this and especially your DH's attitude towards her now, before you do have children. Because believe me you will be in the thick of it then and if you have not taken steps to put some massive distance between you all BEFORE that, then you're going to be in trouble.

He calls round several times a week, so the assumption is that she is in your lives, she is an everyday figure. Basically she is now 'ok', behaviour all forgotten and the onus is on you to sort out how you feel. If you don't challenge that now, no way is it going to be ok that your children are at arms length. She's going to want to be right in there and it's going to be very difficult for both you and your DH - not least because if he can be ok with her to this extent, you're probably going to get a bloody shock when she starts wearing him down about babysitting and weekly visits and he starts askign YOU to compromise 'because that's all in the past'.

Don't spend your time working on 'tolerance'.

Spend your time on Rightmove and job searches and MOVE VERY FAR AWAY before you get pregnant.

I would not be ok with my DH popping in and being a-ok with a woman who tried to ruin my wedding and I would not want that person in a proper grandmother role with my kids.

She has only calmed down post-wedding as it's occurred to her that if she didn't, she'd push him right away and then wouldn't even get a claw-hold on any grandkids.

Your DH is far too enmeshed.

In my experience you're trying to do the impossible. What she's done to date is bad - very obviously so.

Reduce contact as far as you comfortably can, go grey rock, try and have relationships with other family members separately to her and do as Loopy suggested and be more direct when she asks you unwelcome personal questions. Avoid mentioning her at all unless your DH wants to talk.

I've done all of this (and had counselling) and I'm coming round to the idea that the only way that we can heal and properly move on is NC but until DH will accept how negatively they affect his mental health I'm not sure I can. I'm really worried for him at the moment - but that is another thread.

I assure you, this horror of a woman is in no way sorry for her behaviour. There might currently be a lull with her fuckery, but she will kick off again. It's just a matter of time. I would refuse to ever see or speak to her again.