Is my relationship likely to work out?

[namechangedandfeelingglum]

Ok, I realise no one can actually answer this question. But I would massively appreciate some guidance from wiser mumsnetter's than I! I've NC for this as my situation is fairly unique and it is outing when linked to my other posts.

Sorry if this is long but wanting to give background too:

So, I have a boyfriend (X). We've not been together long (about a month) but we were dating for about a month before that and extremely good friends for about 6 months before that. The odd part - 4 years before this we were actually in a relationship which didn't work out.

The reasons our relationship didn't work out before:

It's a fairly long distance (back then we were an hour and a half drive apart and now it's an hour and a quarter) and due to work commitments (me working Monday to Friday and he working across 7 days really) it was hard to dedicate much time together and we were often tired.

I also felt a little unimportant in our relationship and it was made very clear to me he would never move to me and I couldn't because my job role doesn't sadly doesn't exist in his part of the county. In addition, he had no desire to have children and I was very broody and so keen really to settle down with someone I could start a family with.

I was gutted when we ended but did move on, met someone else and had a child. X did try and get back in touch and set me a very long heartfelt letter about 6 months after we had split but I had already met new guy.

My child is 1 year old now (me and his dad split up when he was very young) and

We are definitely at a tricky age, DD can be quite very temperamental so inevitably meeting up involves me running around after DD and fielding tantrums. She's not particularly happy in her hair chair for long, wants to be up and running about but not confident on her feet. X is very patient but obviously this isn't ideal and does make getting quality time together very difficult. X is good, and gets stuck in with helping pick up DD when she trips and re directing her etc but if I was him..... well I just don't see the appeal of being in a relationship with me to be honest!

Overnights are absolutely not an option because I bedshare with DD who is a terrible sleeper.

I don't want to end up broken up hearted but as a first time mum I don't really know how quickly things will change so it's less all consuming looking after DD whilst out and about. Part of me thinks should I just call it off but the other part thinks what's the harm in seeing where it goes.... I don't know.

He's not said anything to suggest he's not happy but I'm a worrier.....

Meh. I don't know what I'm asking. Any wisdom? Anyone been in a similar position? Does it get easier?

You still have a very young child and I think this should be your focus. There are clearly issues if your DD is sleeping with you at this stage.

Would it be possible for you to have a friends with benefit arrangement with X and keep him separate from your DD. Am I to understand they have already met, despite you being unsure of your relationship and DD having already had one break up in her very young life? I don't think I'd advise continuing this.

If he didn't want his own children is he really happy to take on someone else's child in order to be with you?

I don’t think you get a real sense of truly getting to know someone, warts & all for at least 4-5 years.

Anything below that sort of time is a speculative punt.

Just take it one date at a time and see what happens

I was in a similar situation: he broke up with me. I met someone else and had a child within a year. I then brought them up a lone parent.

Stayed friendly with ex and he was single. When my dc was 2, he met, married and had a child within a year. His marriage broke up a couple of years later and a two years after that he wanted us to get back together. I said no. I did want to but was scared of getting hurt again and I was really involved as a parent, I didn’t want to share my dc with anyone.

Anyway we were still friends and I didn’t know he was still carrying the torch. 15 years later we got back together (kids both grown up) things are great.

The answer is: yes it could work out, but not as you expected.

Given that you guys didn’t work out, and also that he didn’t want children.. I would be keeping him a separate entity to your dd.

I would keep him as FWB.

@Notcoolmum would you mind explaining why you say there are issues because I sleep with DD? Not being goady, I'm genuinely interested, it just works for us as I'm breastfeeding and DD sleeps better with me than on our own. As we are carry mammals I just always see this as biologically normally whilst she is so little. I'm curious why this might be seen as problematic from the outside.

As for a friends with benefits situation, I'm not too interested in that. (Probably TMI but we haven't been able to do any of the 'benefits' stuff anyway.... my sleeping situation refers )

X has spent a lot of time with me and DD during the 6 months before we started dating and so DD just seems him as one of many of my friends who spends time with her and us. She wouldn't see it as any different to any of my other friends. I know what you are saying though, and if I had just met a man and starting dating him I wouldn't have introduced them but this does feel somewhat different. Maybe it isn't though and I'm kidding myself.

Just to clarify on the him not wanting children point - he has said (multiple times) that he is absolutely fine with DD and knows that she is part and parcel of being with me. He hasn't ruled out ever wanting children of his own but has never had the urge. He speaks about his own parents being like grandparents to DD in the future so he says all the right things.... I just don't know. I wouldn't want to date me if I was him and so I'm finding it hard to accept that he would want me!

@myidentitymycrisis That's amazing - sounds like it was meant to be!!

I would just carry on taking it slowly, you clearly are strong together. I believe in not rushing these things

Maybe I'm overthinking. I am feeling a bit frazzled as I've recently returned to work after mat leave (I'm a solicitor) and I am finding the adjustment quite difficult (which has surprised me!).

Bloody hell, my boys are aged 9 and 6 and I find them in my bed most nights.

I think, generally speaking, that once you've been together and split up, a long term future is less likely. And you don't live much closer than you did previously, plus now you have a very small child, so it's not going to miraculously make you both less tired now.

For me, I wouldn't. And him talking already about his folks being grandparents to your DD? Sounds very future-fake to me.

Sorry, though, if this isn't what you wanted to hear.

I also don't understand why a 1yr old sleeping with his mother is an issue?

I agree with some of the others and take it slowly. Can your son go on a sleepover every so often with his Dad or grandparents to allow you to go on a date

My 10 year old sometimes sleeps in my bed so no judgement here op!

But I suppose a one year old in your bed in the early stages of a relationship could be a bit of a downer!

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply. I'd love some DD free time to date but DD's dad is not currently interested and my parents already have DD whilst I work so I'd feel too guilty asking for a sleepover too! I probably could as a one off, but that's not going to miraculously solve things.

Well, it's interesting that he's wanting to be in a relationship with you as a single mum, given he doesn't/didn't want dc.

Has he changed his mind? Would one dc be enough for you?

But he knows your circumstances, and it is what it is. If he doesn't like it, he'll have to move on.

Just see what happens. Relationships grow, change, evolve - no one can predict the outcome.

Sorry only just seen your post. No judgement intended at all. I just meant your little one is still very little and needy (as demonstrated by sleeping with you) and maybe it’s not the right time to start a relationship. Focus on your relationship with your child for now? I think a lot of us struggled to have maintain a relationship with our partners at this stage and starting a new relationship can take a lot of energy.

But you know if the timing is right and whether things are different between you two now and your updates seem to suggest you think they are. Good luck with whatever you decide.