Should I call it quits or do we need more time?

[lxzlxz]

We have been together for five years and we got together when I was 21. It was a slightly unlikely pairing but it worked so well and we had a fantastic relationship. Since the beginning of the relationship, we have had a lot of problems - not with each other but more life problems e.g. changes with work, grief, problems with family etc. so things have not always been smooth sailing. Regardless, we have stuck together throughout it all.

About a year ago, we got engaged, having discussed our plans for life and decided that we were on the same page about children etc. We were completely loved up and, despite still having a lot of other issues in our wider lives, we were confident that it was unfortunate timing and we'd get through it. We started planning the wedding and saving to buy a house.

However, since then, I feel that our relationship has gone downhill. We don't have fun naturally, our mutual interests have dwindled, and this has taken a massive toll on our mental health and sex life. We still love each other wholeheartedly, but I'm not convinced that I can continue as things are. I'm aware that all of the external stuff will have had a huge impact, but I'm not sure if we can recover from that or whether it's just circumstantial. I'm tired of us putting in the effort with seemingly no reward, and I'm fed up of trying to figure out solutions to what seems like a mountain of insurmountable problems.

There's no debating that he is a lovely person - my family and friends all like him and I adore having him in my life. The thought of losing him has not quite set in yet, but I know that I'd be absolutely distraught if that were to happen. At the end of the day, I'm lucky to have found such a comfortable and reliable relationship, and after several years, the dynamic between us is of course going to be different.

I have talked to him about this and he is very understanding of how I feel. He doesn't feel quite as negatively as me, but has given me some space lately and obviously doesn't want to continue with the relationship if it's not making me happy. I desperately don't want to feel like I do, but I just don't know whether in ten years' time, I'll be glad I stuck with it cos it ended up resolving itself, or whether I'll feel sad about it ending but know it was for the best.

How do you know whether to call it a day or give it more time?

Do you think you liked the initial challenge and now that's gone you're losing interest?

Or is it that you're saving up, so you've got less money for fun, and you're starting to resent that, as it's like you're saving up money just to secure a lifetime of problems together? So it feels a bit pointless?

We have more money now than we did a few years ago, even with saving, so that's not an issue. We're definitely busier, with promotions and so on, so being tired and stressed from work as well as everything else is a big factor, I think.
You might have a point about the initial challenge - it's nice to feel like you've got someone to face your problems with and getting through things together is a nice bonding experience. I think now, I see that it's not actually that fun at all and I feel like everything is very heavy-going. We don't have any hobbies in common apart from enjoying the same tv/music, going for meals, and going to the gym, so I worry that I'm setting myself up for a life of monotony. But then again, is that just what it's like after several years? I don't really know of any long-term relationships to base my expectations on.

I think if more people were honest, that’s mainly what they have in common OP, it’s not like every couple enjoy ballroom dancing together or rock climbing etc

Who is the cause of these problems?

Is he much older than you?

We're his problems the result of an ex wife, stepchildren, etc?

I feel you shouldn't be bored BEFORE the wedding! Yes it's natural to fall into a routine, but it shouldn't feel monotonous yet. Maybe on your 10th wedding anniversary, but not before you've even books the church...

This is the reality of most relationships when the initial heady attraction phase wears off and it's day to day life hereon out. The love may not always be passionate and potent but the best advice I have ever received is that marriage is not about loving your partner every day but choosing to love them. At some point it's going to get monotonous and if you're thinking you need more constant challenge and stimulation from your life partner then you absolutely shouldn't marry them.

If your partner feels like home, like someone you want to be doing life with in ten years time, even if it's just like this, then I'd say give it time. It ebbs and flows. Put a bit of effort in to reigniting the spark with an activity out of your comfort zone that presents a bit of a challenge and a bit of fun: indoor skiing/rock climbing, an escape room, mini golf - combine it with dinner and have a bit of fun messing around together. You may find with the stress of day to day that you simply lose that spark but it may still be there if you both allow it to shine.

Ok so I'm slightly different in that my ex wasn't brilliant all the time.
But I understand exactly what you mean. We got on, but it just felt a bit forced and then eventually I got bored. At a similar age to you. I got married and when I was 30 we had an amazing daughter. If anything that hugely exposed the differences in our approach to life. I stopped laughing. He never laughed.
I made it to 33 before I thought life is more than this and left (there were arguments and nastiness that added to that!). I'm unrecognisable to what I was at 21. I've grown and changed so much. He didn't. He stayed where he was. And for me the changes were too great. I don't regret leaving.

Being bored isn't great, and I guess it depends on your outlook in general. Is it hugely different? Are you spontaneous and he isn't.
When together do you still have conversations about things that make you smile, or is it just the same old same old?

It would be sad to leave if you love him so much, but equally you sound unhappy with how life is right now.

I feel you're saying you've been at the stage most people reach after 10 years of living together / marriage for most of your relationship.

Being together for years you have stages of working through the boring bits , the stressful times and the gone off you a bit times. Then you come out the other side or not .....

Don't marry or live together if you feel it's not right as these are one of the hard stages.

Take your time deciding.

Thanks for all of the replies.
He had an ex who caused a lot of issues at the beginning of the relationship, but that is slowly getting better.
It seems unanimous - this is what it's like after a while and to put a bit of effort into reigniting the spark. We are quite similar in outlook, we have the same goals for the future, and we're best friends. There are a lot of positives in our relationship so it's a lot to let go of.
In terms of sex life - what do you do when one person still has all of the desire and the other person is not that interested any more? I feel like this is a much bigger issue than I had realised. If the relationship becomes more of a friendship, is that a deal-breaker? I think maybe in ten years I'd be happy to accept that, but it feels like a lot to ask right now.

Is he older than you? That might explain the sex issue too.

You're still very young so there is no rush, is there. I would forget about the wedding for now and just concentrate on having fun and enjoying each other. If in a year you feel that it hasn't gotten better you can decide whether to carry on or not or if it has, you'll feel happy to get married.

I may be old fashioned, but I think sex is a very reliable marker for how good the relationship is.
If you still fancy each other, and there’s lots of hugging and physical affection, then things are probably ok. If one of you has backed off and there’s no sex for months, and the other one feels resentful about that, then there are problems, not least with communication.
Have you considered couples counselling? Sometimes it’s easier to say the unsayable with a neutral third party to mediate. It may be that your relationship has run its course and it’s time to say goodbye, or it may just be something resolvable by discussion and goodwill.

He is older than me - late 30s. But I'm the one with very little interest in sex. I'm worried that it is a sign that I am no longer 'in it' properly. However, I also know that it could be a symptom of life in general and that I'm stressed and fed up and it's being taken out on the relationship.
It does look like time is the answer. I think we're very good at communicating and we listen to each other well. Counselling might be an option though if we just need to work through some issues.

You've probably gone off sex because you're struggling with these feelings. But vice versa - not having sex can really, REALLY stop you feeling connected to your partner. My DH starts low-key getting on my nerves about 3 days after we've shagged; after 7 days, I'm questioning my vows and after 10 days, I'm ready to pack.

One shag and I'm immediately, "OH! I remember now! You're lovely and I love you!" 😆 He's not even particularly masterful in bed, but shagging him is amazing and it just reconnects me to all the love I have for him. And it really calms me down, puts problems back into proportion, and gets rid of stress.

Could you book a weekend away? Just get out somewhere new, go for walks, have posh dinners, get slightly pissed and have a lovely hotel shag?

Thank you loads for your replies - I really appreciate it.
You're probably right - it's a bit of a vicious circle. It's definitely something we need to get back into the habit of doing. Last time we did though, it was uncomfortable and I couldn't get over thinking that it didn't used to be like that.
A weekend away sounds like a good idea and might be productive in breaking the cycle. We've not done that in what feels like a very long time.