The impact of being married to a (non-violent) alcoholic

[PeggyGuggenheim]

I'm 20 years into a relationship with a man who has a drink problem. He stopped for quite a few years - although I've since been told he was secretly drinking when he got the opportunity - but since summer 2018 he has been drinking again. Cue the repetitive hell of huge fights, apologies, promises, falling off the wagon, broken promises, falling out, I threaten to throw him out, he goes to a support meeting here and there to pacify me, he's sober for a few weeks, cycle starts again. I'm so tired of it but I think the problem is, he truly genuinely doesn't believe that his drinking is impacting me.

I think he thinks I'm fixated on it, and I'm over reacting, because after all, he's not a violent monster when he's drunk, quite the opposite, he gets quite chirpy and friendly, before bumping into things and losing the power of speech.

Please don't think I'm being dim, but for whatever reason, I am finding it hard to articulate (to him and to myself) quite how exhausted and emotionally destroyed I am feeling.

I think if I could bring him to an understanding of the impact on me, he might be able to stop.

Writing this post has exhausted me and I'm a bit nervous to read the replies

Of course he understands the impact on you, he's being disingenuous when he implies he doesn't because to do otherwise would be to admit what a selfish bastard he is being.

Unfortunately, as an alcoholic, he loves alcohol more than you.

After 20 years of trying aren't you tempted to end it once and for all and just live your own, lovely, peaceful life?

I dare say you love him, but I doubt he'll change now so the choice is leaving or spending the rest of your remaining life watching him get drunk.

He knows it is impacting on you. He doesn’t care enough to stop, because his relationship with alcohol is more important to him than any other relationship in his life.

He is ill, and in denial. The best thing you can possibly do in the short term, if you aren't ready to leave him, is to get to a local Al Anon meeting, where you will meet other people in your situation (and hopefully older people who will make you realise how much worse your life will be when he gets a few years older and shows early liver failure / alcohol related dementia).

My late partner was an alcoholic. I never realised how much it had impacted on me until after he passed away at 34 due to cirrhosis of the liver. He would go through spells where his behaviour was ok even though he was drinking, then he would go in to total meltdown, either having the most awful black moods where he was alternating being suicidal or horrifically angry, I spent so much time walking on eggshells, terrified to say anything to set him off, we never had any money because he would spend so much on drink & would go on gambling binges that tied in with his mood swings. I miss him as the person he was when I first met him, but I don't miss the person he became through drink.

Look at it this way: if he said to you that your drinking was adversely affecting him, what would your reaction be?
I d be horrified, ashamed, embarrassed, and would take steps to deal with it immediately if I could. The fact that he doesn't means that either he doesn't want to, or he can't. It doesn't mean he hasn't heard you, or doesn't believe you.
The thing is he knows you'll put up with it. As Stuck said, it will only get worse. Going to Al-Anon is a good suggestion, might help you see what you are letting yourself in for.
I've seen my mother nurse her partner through liver failure, and all the things that go with that, like peripheral neuropathy, loss of sight and function of extremities. It's horrible. She had no life for 5 years, looking after a bedridden alcoholic, having to become a carer ( no choice really once it happens).
Get out now while you can.

Can relate to all of this. I'm 15 years in (about 10 years of active alcoholism) and echo the point that nothing you can say will ever make him stop, unfortunately. He will listen and probably be shocked and dismayed by what you say, and he may even promise that he will change, but he won't be able to stop for you. It has to come completely from him, and even then a lot of alcoholics never manage it.

It sounds as if - and sorry if this is upsetting - your partner still has a way to go down the road and that things may well get worse. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it's rare for it not to go steadily downhill. I've certainly noticed a huge decline over the last few years, and the further in you get the harder it feels for you to extricate yourself. I've just finished reading a book about co-dependency and would really recommend you do the same. It has opened my eyes and for the first time in years I'm starting to seriously consider leaving, even though there are huge practical and emotional challenges in the way.

By all means talk to him but be aware that you'll largely be doing it to express yourself and hopefully relieve a little of your own emotional burden, not to change him. Huge sympathies from me. It's a difficult situation to understand unless you are in it and I'm aware that from the outside it can be very frustrating to people who don't understand why you don't just leave.

My exH was an alcoholic. Still would be, except he died at 39.

Al-Anon would teach you that you didn't cause it and CAN NOT control it.

Your choice is simple: stay and put up with this, and it won't get better. Or leave him and take control of your own life. I'm sorry.

Hi Peggy

re your comment:-

"I think if I could bring him to an understanding of the impact on me, he might be able to stop".

What are you getting out of this relationhip now?. Think about this.
He has simply dragged you down with him into his pit.

The 3cs of alcoholism are:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You really need to get off the merry go around of alcoholism because you are being destroyed by it as well as being in denial yourself.
You really think the above, even after 20 years of being on and off (the alcohol being the major contributory factor anyway) together?.

His primary relationship is with drink, its not with you and it never has been with you.

Like practically all posts of this type its mainly written too about the alcoholic. There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism; he could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

You are and remain profoundly affected by his alcoholism and have indeed played out the usual roles associated with such and at great cost to you.

Codependency often features in such dysfunctional relationships too. You are his codependent, enabler and provoker because you never forget and you are really a long suffering veteran of the piece. You have played your parts here for a long time and what you have tried to date has not worked. Now you are going to try and bring him to an understanding of how this affects you, have you really learnt nothing here?. I will tell you straight away that this is not going to work either. You are an enabler not his therapist and you are woefully underqualified to help him, not that he wants your help or support in any case. He uses you to blame and as an excuse to keep drinking, all he hears from you is white noise.

The only person who can help him is his own self. Not you, not anyone else like AA because he is not willing to accept help of his own accord. Unless he wants to properly address for his own self why he is drinking to excess there is nothing that anyone can do to help.

How is it that you and he got together in the first place; did you see alcoholism at home when you were a child?. Who taught you to be a rescuer and or saviour here?. Some innate needs of yours (probably codependency) are keeping you still with this person and that is also, amongst many other reasons, why you have stayed with him. No obstacle, be it practical or financial, is ultimately insurmountable.

You cannot help him but you can and should indeed help your own self here. Attending Al-anon meetings and reading their literature would be a good start. I would also suggest you read this link too because you are in this too:-

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

I begged my mum to stop for 10 years since I was 14 but she never thought she had a problem and got very defensive about it. Then one day she thought she was having a heart attack while in a drunken state But the hospital and paramedics couldn't treat her because there was so much alcohol in her system couldn't to blood tests ect. She was fine it was heartburn. So they left so leaflets in her room and it clicked then. She went to rehab an is now 4 years sober but the point is she had to get to that decision herself no one could convince her. She wouldn't get violent so didn't think it was that bad.

Do you have children?

Please read Attila’s post. Then read it again. And again. Until you get it. Because she is absolutely right.
You are simply supporting your DH in his alcoholism and enabling him to continue. This is codependency. You cannot help him but you can help yourself. Please put your own needs first for a change, and pull the plug on this destructive relationship which benefits neither of you.
The shock of losing you might even be the push DH needs to tackle his problem, but even that is not guaranteed. Leave before you are dragged down too.

I wouldn't like living this way. And I wouldn't be there.
If it isn't the life you want then change it - or go and find it, but he's not going to get better for you, he can only do it for himself and it doesn't sound like he's anywhere near recovery & may never be.
You deserve to be happy and it sounds like you've endured the situation for long enough. Put yourself & your future first.

www.body-dynamics.net/articles/alcoholism.html

The above explains how YOU trying to get him to understand and to fix it actually exacerbates the situation - as his alcoholism is all part of a system unknowingly being enable by those around him. Al anon will teach you how to do “detached love” so that once you remove your own voice and actions from the dynamic you are at least taking some momentum or a key support our if the system and the alcoholic may feel a shift - or they may not - in this second scenario at least you are saved from the frustration, exhaustion, humiliation of being the codependent enabler - this role is also a progressive disease and will steal your emotional and physical health.

The reality is that a small percentage of alcoholics do recover and become long-term sober. It's this possibility that keeps people like the OP (and me) hanging on, because we are well aware that it CAN happen. So when people say things like "it won't get better", "this is your life from now on" etc., although it's well-intentioned and the probability is very much in favour of them being correct, it can be counter-productive because it's too black and white. What I am starting to understand, though, is that whether it gets better or not isn't something that is in anyone's hands but the alcoholic's. It is up to you if you want to grit your teeth and hang on for the ride, but it's exhausting, and as previous posters have said, you often end up enabling them which definitely IS counter-productive.

Hello everyone. Thank you. I did attend Al Anon for quite a few years and found it incredibly helpful. I just can't face the thought of it again.

Please can I get the title of the book about co dependency

Yes we have children.

I feel deeply for your kids in all this. They through the years have likely heard and seen far more than you perhaps care to realise and this will have affected them markedly. Your codependency has hurt you and in turn them too.

Find the courage within you again to go to Al-anon.

Do read "Codependency No More" by Melodie Beattie. I would also suggest you contact CODA as well www.coda-uk.org/. Someone, most likely your own mother, taught you to be codependent in relationships and this badly needs to be unlearnt now.

You need to end it. I've been through it and even when they are not drinking there is suspicion - what are they doing / have they drink. You can never relax - what's the next thing that will trigger it. I walked away a year ago and have never been happier. I didn't realised how dragged down I was until that cloud wasn't there anymore.

I don't think he thought I would actually do it / to be honest I had been at that point so many times and not followed through neither was I!

I'm going to be brutally honest here, I'm the daughter of an alcoholic. My mum enabled him. My childhood was horrific and I have issues now I'm adult as a direct consequence.

I really really resent my mum for not leaving my dad. It will be having a huge impact on your kids, more than you will ever realise.

His first love his alcohol and only he can change that. You can however put yourself and your kids first.

Attila has said everything I owuld advise, please read and listen to it. Read up on Co dependency. If you can't face an AlAnon meeting, find a CoDA one instead. Detach

I can only reiterate what every one else has said here. My ex's brother was an alcoholic and died from it aged only 45. My last boyfriend turned out to be an alcoholic too and when I found out, I ended it straight away. He still denied he had a problem but that is what they do. DENY, DENY, DENY. They can be very convincing too and sometimes you want to believe them so you do.
There really is no way out of this other than to leave him, I'm sorry to say. If you don't you will carry on this repetitive groundhog day of broken promises.
He won't stop drinking for you EVER. He has to stop for himself.

I can only second what everyone else has said. Most alcoholics do not stop until they have ruined their health their lives and their families - that's the wellbeing of you and your DC right there. And they do notice. Mine did. I still remember my older DD coming to me and asking me why daddy was drinking 'beer' at 8 on a Sunday morning. She was 12. I left it far too long to end things with him.

He died last year, 8 months after moving out of our house. We miss the man he used to be, but not the man he became. Put yourself first, put your children first. Detach from this man because you can't save him.

My father is an alcoholic. He is now disabled, with brain damage due to a major stroke which was brought on by his drinking. None of us realised he was having a stroke; we all thought it was just another alcohol triggered migraine. He never hit my mum. He hit me, though, when he was drinking, and I never said anything.

I don't really see him much any more. I wish my mother had been stronger, & left him when I was a child. I don't see her much, either.

@AwdBovril I'm sorry to hear that.

I was married to an alcoholic. He too would minimise - he wasn’t a stereotypical violent drunk, so he downplayed my very valid worries. It was almost worse In a way, as it made me doubt myself.

He lost at least one job due to drinking, and did give up for a few years, or at least got better at hiding it. Until one day I found empty cans hidden right at the back of a kitchen cupboard and realised I didn’t want to do this for the rest of my life. The worst thing is thinking about him drinking when alone with our small children - it still tortured me now thinking about the possibilities. He used to look after our youngest on his day off while I was at work and passed out drunk on at least two occasions, alone with a young toddler. He was like many people affected by alcoholism very manipulative and would use emotional blackmail to stop me putting consequences in place. I know now that I had learned unhealthy codependent behaviours as a child. My xh would also gonthough cycles of placating behaviour. The thing is, you get very used to it. You forget that there are other options, that you could live a life in which you don’t have to police another persons behaviour, bargain, plead, check on them.

I left and he absolutely lost it, drinking, attempting suicide, all sorts - but I just couldn’t do it anymore. You sound like you are reaching a point where you have had enough, and that’s why you are finding it hard to communicate with him. Because you’ve said the same thing so many times.

Daughter of an alcoholic here too! Really affects me still to the day - my mum left him when I was 13. Was still too late to be honest. He’s lost everything yet still drinks - he probably has max 1-5 years left and he’s only 50.