So I've been on and off with a guy for a few years. Its been a big struggle during this time mainly because he is fighting an addiction and obviously with that has come many lies and manipulations.
I've since moved away and we're no longer official as such but we are in contact almost daily and see each other now and then. He tells me he see's me as a girlfriend etc and talks about marrying/having a baby in the near future. I've told him this is unlikely due to everything that has happened and the lack of trust i now have for him. But I still do very much like him and have never been so attracted to someone.
Aside from this, since we were together he would regularly meet up with a guy (who happens to be gay) and they would drink together. As time went on I started to get a bit wary of them two being together as my partner told me that the guy liked him and I'd told him that I wasn't comfortable with why he would intentionally go round a guys that liked him when i was his girlfriend. After this i found a photo on his phone sent from the guy which made me even more suspicious, but my partner continued to say that he only went round for drink and there was nothing between them. But...last night it came out that when he was drunk once (apparently years ago) this guy went down on him... and yes obviously proved my instincts were right. Also, the fact that he went round for drink only came out after we has split up...before so he would tell me him and this guy were good friends and that was the reason for going round, as obviously he was hiding the fact that he would drink.
After finding this out I feel extremely sick and quite numb to be honest. Whilst we were together he was constantly meeting this guy and I fail to believe that it was a one off occurrence that happened before we met (as he says) and even if so, why is he meeting a gay man who is quite obviously into him when he supposedly loves me. Obviously he can do what he wants now that we are not an official thing, I just feel sick that this was happening when we was together and I still have a lot of feelings for him so its hard to take in. He's convinced he's not bisexual and that is only happened because he was drunk, who knows.
As much as i know we will never be a thing, I dont know how to deal with this. He's lied about so much and it just gets worse. I know that I can't stay in contact with him, but in all honesty I feel so lost without him. We still act as though we are together and he is pretty much the only person I talk to other than a few other friends I speak to now and then. I've tried to stop contact before and I can't cope with the loneliness and end up going back to him, but even as 'friends' its clearly not going to work as I still have feelings and am still getting hurt. I just don't know how to move on from here and I dont really have anyone I can talk to about it. :\