Dealing with leaving emotional abuse

[Savage91]

I am in the process of leaving DP of 4 years after he has lied, manipulated and gaslighted me through most of that. I couldn’t see if it for so long I just thought I was the one in the wrong. A lot of it’s little stuff like making me feel like a nag but there’s some bigger stuff recently which has opened up my eyes to who he is. I won’t get into everything or this post would never end. I suspect he is probably a sociapath and doesn’t be feel a lot.

He’s currently at his mums after I have finally kicked him out after a pretty dark lie he told on Friday, he’s been through 3 jobs in the last 2 years because he just walks out of them when he has had enough of the people there. I will say he is nothing like the person I first met but I now think that was all an act. The instability has been awful but I’m lucky the flats mine and I’ll be okay financially. We have an 18mo (not planned but very much wanted) who is the main reason why I am leaving now because I don’t want him growing up with this. I couldn’t ask for a better DS and I know I’ll be fine on my own because I have always done 90% of care for him anyway.

Sorry for the rant and if it’s a bit all over the place but my main thing to ask was for those who have left emotionally abusive relationships where you realise you have been being gaslighted how do you recover? I feel number one like an idiot still, I feel completely flat on self esteem and a bit in shell shock. He’s made me actually forget who I am, I am in myself completely lost but I know I have to be strong and keep going with the split because he’ll never change and of course for DS. Is some form of counselling worth it? I really feel a weird mixture of numbness and hurt

Well done for kicking him out. That is truly amazing. Please make contact with Women's Aid. They will probably have a local branch and be able to advise you further. You may well find the Freedom Programme helpful. When we have shoved so much under the carpet for so long we do disappear. Victim Support is also really good. Generalised counselling may not help much.

Sometimes WA offers a counselling service. It is specialised. Please speak to your gp as well and ask about trauma therapy. Our routes take different paths and there are so many truly amazing people to make sure we don't fall off the edge.

There was a programme on BBC about women in refuge. They said that shadows come in and women leave. It is so true.

Thank you for replying and I am gonna ring women’s aid today when DS has his nap and see if I can get some help. I feel such a weird mixture of broken down/sadness/guilt but still know I need to leave. Your completely right we do disappear when we bottle so much up for someone else’s sake. Thank you x

Well done OP.

He’s probably hoping you’ll have doubts / guilt / reconsider.
Stay strong.

Thank you, I am gonna try to be strong. He knows perfectly how to make me doubt myself and i end up feeling sorry for him and it’s absolutely mashed my head up the last couple of years. Have left women’s aid a voicemail so I’ll go from there.

Until you get an appointment for counselling OP would writing everything down be helpful for you? Not just what has happened in the relationship but actual details of things that he may try to gaslight you about, write down whatever it is, what was said and agreed, what happened from your own point of view, then when he starts off again you have an actual record of the details that you can reread to confirm that you are not confused about things. Just to be clear this is not a log to confront him with or to convince him of anything, it is to confirm to you what you believe is true, it may take some of his power of confusion away. It is a way of "proving" things to yourself.

I’ve wrote a few points down already so when women’s aid ring back I can go through it because I’m feeling a bit foggy. I think that’s a good idea though thank you and I’ll do it tonight properly. It’s sort of hitting me like a tonne of bricks today what’s actually been happening and I need to take some time and figure out what was real and what wasn’t