I just can’t take it anymore!

[Tenzie]

Married for the second time, hubby’s second too. I have a DS, who is 8 from previous marriage. DH and I are constantly rowing. Either about money or even basic choices. We have been brought up in very different backgrounds. From personal hygiene, to communication skills, to basic courtesy and manners, to socialising, to aspirations- everything is different. I married him for the wrong reasons. He is well educated and has a good job. I thought we would have a comfortable life together. I am not lazy or materialistic. Just wanted a man to put his arm around me and say hey I am here, don’t worry anymore. I am well educated too and had a fabulous job, which DH made me leave. I also had to move from Cardiff to Basingstoke because DH didn’t want to commute 1.30 minutes but now he commutes 1hour 15! He also made me sell my house in Cardiff! Like a fool I complied.

The reason I write this is because he is bringing out the worst in me. He says such nasty and hurtful things to me that they hit me damn hard deep down within me and as a reaction I am stopping to his level and I fact even lower. I donthings which in hindsight are very childish (like throwing his clothes and shoes away!) or I do disgusting things like adding too much salt in his food! But I do this because he says such mean things to me to bring me down and when I am hurting I don’t have control on myself. Later I regret my actions and actually feel very small. I ask myself what is the difference between him and me? If he is being a nasty human being why am I behaving like him?

From the start of this year I had promised myself that I won’t respond or react. And I have been doing that but DH just pushes all the wrong buttons and keeps on pushing them! Then I explode and boom!

He has bought a house but hasn’t added my name on it. He keeps winding me up by saying I don’t contribute anything but he doesn’t let me get a job. He controls our finances. I have got a clue about his income or savings. This is not the person I was 2 years ago when I was independent (been married for 2 years). I am just loosing my mind, loosing my grip on life and my poor DS, all he sees is either I am howling or shouting back at DH.

What am I doing wrong? How can I change myself. How to I become more thick skinned? Is all this my fault?

All I wanted was a man to love me and just hold me to make me feel loved and cared for.

This started to her worrying when you said he made you quit your job, made you sell your house, and you used the word 'complied'

Sounds like you are both abusive, and you are both in a cycle of abusing each other.

Does he want to change? Would either of you consider counselling? Have you spoken honestly to him about how you feel or is this not possible?

This might sound blunt, but get a divorce. Just think about how all this is negatively impacting your child. Think about your happiness. Love yourself and your child more than a man. 'Do you' because your husband is certainly 'doing him'. Life is short Hun. Be happy

I have suggested counselling but he says no. He doesn’t want to waste money. When I try and catch him in a good mood, to talk to him about us, he again starts off and blames me. I am not sure how long I can carry on like this? He is controlling every step I take. Even something as small as buying a latte, he discouraged me and says it’s bad for me though he stops at Starbucks everyday at work. I just can’t bear this anymore

Errr go back to Cardiff with your son and start again. Good luck. You can do it.

Thank you HealthyPositivity, I just feel that I am losing my confidence and doubt myself so much. This wasn’t the old me. I almost need someone to kick me on my backside! Like a kickstart ☹️

I am lacking courage as neither do I have a job more do I have my house. I have some savings from the sale but I am just too scared to start afresh

Just leave.
Leave leave leave.
Even if you said you had 37p in the bank, 15 kids and were set to inherit a palace if you stay.
I’d still say LEAVE.
Your acts of retaliation would certainly be considered as one half of a toxic relationship.
But there can only really be one abusive partner.
Clue: it ain’t you.
Grab your kid, and run.

Name change op.

Just remember it's not just about you. Your child seeing all this, is not healthy and can really shape his personality and how he views relationships negatively.
I can still remember my mom and dad fighting all the time and my brother and me had to hide under the bed.

You need to hang on to those savings and get legal advice about a divorce.

Yes , name change ....
Looking like 2nd divorce.

Leave. Go back to Cardiff with your son and look for another job. If you had one good job, you'll find another one.

The house is a marital asset and even if it isn't a good solicitor will trace the proceeds of your house sale.

You are in an abusive relationship and your son is being exposed to a terrible relationship. Make it stop.

And have some counselling/do the freedom programme or something before you even think of dating again. I know we all want someone to say "don't worry, I'll take care of everything". Outside of cheap romance that doesn't happen. Good relationships are where both people are trying hard to support each other and together they are better able to manage life - but life still has to be lived and can be hard at times.

I was in a shit situation when I left - poor poor poor! Tough for several months. Got a job eventually Still tough but I am proud of myself. Your confidence will come back OP - think about how you used to be. You can be back there and more. You can do it. Plua you have us

Thank you so much for your kind words, the motivation and love. I worry the most about my bubba, he deserves so much better! We had such a happily little life before DH came into it.

I need to clear my head and plan my exit ASAP.

Yes, changed my name. Was reminded of my favourite childhood poem.

Hugs xx

go see a solicitor about what you are entitled to and then file for divorce. This marriage is a bad mistake and you need to get out before it destroys you and your child

There’s nothing to stay for. You have no joint children and no job to keep you in the area. Go to a solicitor- you can divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. He’s controlling you and destroying you. He isn’t someone to rely on and he isn’t looking after you. Your marital assets will get divided in the divorce so you should eventually get your cut. Tell the solicitor about hiscoercive behaviour. Take your son away from this man ASAP. Good luck, you can do it!

You can do this.
You're stronger than you think