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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cant bear to even look at my husband anymore

15 replies

Lizstick · 07/04/2019 19:35

After being married for 34 years and together for 40 years i find myself not even being able to sit in the same room as my husband for the past 5 years hes treated me more as a mate than a wife he has a social networking account and has admitted he adds various women to the account all single women he often messages them but deletes messages so i cant see he goes out to work and sometimes dont return till 630 am in a morning i dont believe hes working the hours he says he is hes a taxi driver he delights in telling me how his women passengers love him he wont take me out anywhere and the final straw came last week when we was suppose to go out for the day for our anniversary and he came home at 6.30 am went straight to bed and said nite to me no happy anniversary or anything so i took myself away for the day since coming back hes constantly on his phone i cant bear to look at him and i now dont no what to do anymore

OP posts:

LellyMcKelly · 07/04/2019 19:47

Leave him. He’s acting like a single man anyway.

Horehound · 07/04/2019 19:48

Definitely leave him.

missmouse101 · 07/04/2019 19:50

A wonderful whole new life awaits you without this man. Yes, it's time to separate.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/04/2019 19:50

And you are still with this man because....

TangyToms · 07/04/2019 19:52

Leave him...that's what I would do.

Orange6904 · 07/04/2019 19:54

Sounds awful, let him have his single taxi driver sleaze life.

Bemusedagain · 07/04/2019 20:38

Leave him

mamato3lads · 07/04/2019 20:44

How sad for you OP. I would also say "leave" but understand that can't be easy after 40 years!!

BUT. He's clearly trying it on with other women and isnt even trying to hide it. Hes a disgrace and the way he's treating you is absolutely awful. Can you confront him? Is it worth it? Do you still love him? Sounds like the marriage needs a re boot. Do you want that? If you do, then you could at least try talking to him. If not then for your own sanity, you should separate. Youre here once. Good luck xx

Original poster

Lizstick · 12/04/2019 11:45

Thanks for the replies

OP posts:

dontgobaconmyheart · 12/04/2019 11:51

Why do you stay with him do you think, OP? It sounds like a situation that doesn't work for either of you, and frankly sounds depressing and bad for your self esteem. It doesn't matter if you've been together 4 months or 40 years- if it's not working it's not working and I'd advise not falling foul of sunk cost fallacy re: how long you've been together.

Of course it's difficult after so long but he treats you poorly, clearly can't be bothered anymore to make any effort with you, and is even possibly cheating. Better to not have to look at him at all then waste even more time feeling queasy doing so. He doesn't sound a catch.

category12 · 12/04/2019 11:52

Well, given you've been together 40 years, it's going to be hard to leave.

But on the other hand, do you want to spend the next years of your life like this, and potentially become his carer as he ages? (I have my doubts he'd be any good to you the other way round, how about you?)

hellsbellsmelons · 12/04/2019 13:02

Carve out your own life now.
Find a hobby.
Go out with friends.
Do not include him in any of it.
Once you find some more independence it will far easier to leave him.

SandyY2K · 12/04/2019 13:10

I would either leave or tell him to continue contacting other women, I'll also feel free to develop relationships with other men and we can have separate bedrooms from now onwards.

Having said the above, are you financially independent? Do you own the house together?

40 years is a long time, but your remaining time will seem even longer as a result of losing your self respect and being taken for a fool.

His actions have clearly shown you he doesn't care. How you respond to that is 100% your decision.

Original poster

Lizstick · 13/04/2019 12:15

Yes we own the house together with 3 young children the older children have left home we use to have a fantastic relationship until he had to have a kidney transplant then he changed 2 years ago i found out he was having an affair dont believe it was sexual but more emiontional what made it harder was she was my sons girlfriend anyway i forgave him and thought things would get back to how they use to be in fact its got worse he loses his temper with me over the smallest things hes constantly txting on his phone hes never at home says hes working yet somedays he can be gone 19 hours yet states hes only earnt 97 pound guilable yes i am when youve been together all these years had 9 children together seen 1 of your children die together im finding this extremly hard and me being in ill health isnt helpimg matters but i appreciate the advice everyone is giving

OP posts:

EnjoyItAll · 13/04/2019 12:21

He sounds awful! His punishing you when he had an affair with his sons girlfriend?! He should be grovelling and demonstrating what a great husband and father he can be. You may have been through a lot together but this man clearly has no respect for you or your children. You have 1 shot at life don’t waste it with someone who lies, cheats and treats you and your family like that.

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