Can you help me start to think about things?

[Lightness2019]

I am nearly 40. I was in a relationship for 10 years which ended when I was 35. It basically ended because I wanted to have children and he didn’t. Not so bad except that he was intially up for it until we tried, I got pregnant and he changed his mind. I got lost in a mire of pain hormones and confusion. He said if I had it I would be a single mum. I had an abortion. This broke us up and I moved on.

I am now in a relationship with another man - he is amazing and I feel like everything I went through is worth it if it means I can spend the rest of my life with him. I love him.

We have spoken about children. He has essentially said that if I want them he would love to have them. And he would work to my timeframe given my age.

The problem is that when I think about having a baby now I am back in the horrible place of pain and heartbreak and hearing my ex say he doesn’t want it. All I can imagine is this guy doing the same thing. I need somehow to get past this and start to think honestly about what I want, would I be happy to have one at this age, how would I handle it with my job...all the things I think I should figure out and then have a sensible conversation with him about. We aren’t in a place now where I would think about getting pregnant, but I at least want to start to be able to have the thoughts for myself. But I can’t. Whenever I think about it I stop being in the here and now and I am back there realising that it will never happen and I am about to lose everything.

When we talk about it together I end up just crying. He knows what happened and he understands I find it hard. But I am also so scared that if I say I want it he will actually turn round and say oh no I don’t want it. I go round in circles and can’t seem to be brave enough to talk about it.

I have been in therapy for a long time now and that is so helpful. But I wondered if anyone else has had something similar and found a way to move on from it? I feel I can trust again and love again. I have come so far. But this part just never seems to get easier no matter how amazing he is nor how much therapy and hard work I do. I think time will help but I am mindful that it might take a while to get pregnant at my age and I might have difficulties etc. So it’s kind of with a view to thinking maybe next year I would be ready, but how in the meantime do I start to be able to think about it all properly and most importantly start to be brave enough to have the conversations with him? I think he wants to have them but is respecting the fact that I am not able to start talking about it yet. Thank you xx

Sorry to hear about your past experience and let down with your ex.

What happened with the baby you was pregnant with ex? ( believe may be relevant to your current pain as loss of a baby or potential of a baby be it naturally or due to circumstance and choice is still going to be a major factor in who you are today)

It was a massive let down no doubt, but you can’t always base new relationships on old, do you feel safe in your current relationship or are there signs that make you think it will be like last time?

Or is it that you need to learn to trust him more and it’s the old wound that is preventing that? X

I terminated the pregnancy - I was just in a bit of a daze and didn’t really think about anything. Looking back now I think i was just overwhelmed and heartbroken and kind of did what he wanted because I was scared

With this guy I have no reason to think he is the same. He keeps his promises and is confident about what he wants for his life.

The problem is that whenever I think about it I move immediately from thinking about my current partner and how things are now to what happened - I kind of slip back into the past. It’s weird.

Thank you xx

I need somehow to get past this and start to think honestly about what I want, would I be happy to have one at this age, how would I handle it with my job...all the things I think I should figure out and then have a sensible conversation with him about.

That's understandable to have those fears. I don't know what to say other than it's highly unlikely or very unlucky to happen again. You just happen to be aware it could.

How long have you been together? I'm sure there are lots of mums in 40s who will be along soon to offer their perspectives. What's your living situation?

Coming up to a year - not living together yet but agreed we will when we hit a year. So it’s not on the table for a while yet as I would need to be with someone longer before deciding to do something like this.

I just feel that it is a conversation we should have properly before we move in so we both know where we are - it’s a bit late in terms of ages now for either of us not to be on the same page. He raises it and I deflect.

Having posted today and thought about it, I think part of the problem is what if I do think about it and decide it’s a yes for me and it happens again - not that he would let it get to the stage where I am actually pregnant.

I guess maybe I have just squashed all thoughts of babies because it is too hard to think about. And now I am in a relationship where they should be a topic of conversation and I need to start thinking again. But what if I decide yes and he decides no.

Thanks to anyone reading/replying. I think this is my first attempt to take it out of my own head and I know it is a bit garbled and non-sensical xx

It’s not about making the decision to have a baby - I am long way from that. It’s just the question of how to trust again. When all your life experiences say no don’t trust him. You were with someone who you thought loved you to bits and look what he did. How do I move beyond that and start to think about what I actually want without constantly referring back to what happened?

It’s hard and it takes time and understanding on his part...and you have to work to trust him too .

It’s not the same as you but it still is a trust thing I guess ... I was engaged before
I married my dh ... I was very in love with him, in reality though the relationship was souring he was abusive ( after the initial charm) I have recently just started to acknowledge he raped me once,( though not told a person I actually know about it to
This day) and he was physically abusivd ( although I would push him out of the way when he tried to strange me
So I am not a complete push over ) I ended it with him for those reasons in the end I feared he would kill me ( wasn’t easy as I had been given many threats as to what would happen if I left ) I then found out he had cheated on me with many women and a man ... needless to say as I had not seen it coming and I was floored. ( and straight to
The doctors for hiv and stds test )

My future dh found a very broke woman, we dated old school / the first relationship I had that was simple for a long time with no expectations I just went out for meals with and got to know him , we became friends first .. znot even kissing for months .. he taught me not to apologise when I hadn’t done anything wrong and showed me a kindness I forgot men had ... 13 years later I am married and with a child .. but for the longest time and it still sometimes comes up I was worried he would
Switch personality or was cheating .. as I never saw it coming before, but it fades more and more with each passing year . time patience and the trust builds up .... and I made the choice that if I gave the arse of an ex all of me and he clearly didn’t deserve it then how could I not take a chance on someone who has done nothing less
Than help build me up x x but you will do it when you are ready and sure x x

Strangle not strange me 😂😂

Given your age, I’d say hurry up with the baby plans. If you really want a child, this guy sounds lovely, do it.

I think you would benefit from some counselling to deal with past events. You sound like you’re second guessing yourself and delaying what you want to do due to past issues. Do you really want a child? This new DP sounds so caring: what are your reasons for delaying?

Its understandable you are finding it hard to trust again. All of those old feelings - grief, anger, betrayal, helplessness get stirred up. Can you talk to him about both your expectations/fears about parenthood/practicalities?

There are some good cbt techniques in acceptance and commitment therapy.

Have you talked about your loss with the therapist? You sound traumatised and thinking about taking that step with this man is triggering that trauma for you. I would agree that talking to someone (different) would be a good idea. Perhaps abortion specific counselling?

If you decide yes and he says no, there is another decision - do you stay with him or go (in the hope of finding someone else). I think that sounds unlikely though.

Thank you so much for your comments

Newmumma thanks for telling me your story

I feel better for having written it down and we spoke a bit last night about related stuff but not quite that. I think I need to grapple with this more effectively in therapy and start to talk about what I want and need. It’s scary. Re cbt I am going to talk to my therapist - we do integrative which I think is a bit of everything and I think she might have some stuff I can use to stop the obsessive thought patterns.

A big thank you ladies - for taking time to read and respond. Xxx

Not quite the same as your situation. I was living with my ex when I found out I was pregnant. He said he didn't want it but I couldn't get rid so I kept it. Then we broke up a few weeks later. I now have the same issue as you in that I feel like I won't be able to trust anyone again and what if I got pregnant again will they leave me etc.
At the end of the day you can't control people and sometimes people do nasty things, all you can do is hope that this man won't be the same. Just don't self sabotage something because of your fears. Say this guy did do the same, it sounds like you are keen on having a child, then atleast you have that child and they won't ever leave you. They'll love you for who you are and trust you 100%. Trust your gut. If he feels like a good egg then go for it and don't look back :-)

There is always the risk of over thinking too perhaps you analyse too deeply now as a defence mechanism... perhapsyou need to flex the impulse muscle a little ( start small ) but then see if that frees you up, over analysing can be very crippling As can feed anxiety x