How did you know it was over, and how did you end it?

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I am trying to pluck up courage to tell dh I want a divorce. I don't think he'll be expecting it, tbh. He is the sort who buries his head in the sand and refuses to acknowledge that we have any problems.

Just wondered what made other people decide that their relationship was definitely over. There has never been any violence or infidelity, no massive debts or anything like that. But I am irritated by him, try to avoid spending time with him and the thought of living out the rest of my life with him fills me with horror. Meanwhile, he is trying to talk about where we might go on holiday this summer...

Also, I have literally no idea how dh might take it, when I finally pluck up courage. If he ever actually talked to me (other than endless small talk about his bl**dy cycling - I don't care!!!!!), it might not come as so much of a surprise as I expect it will.

So, how do you know a marriage that isn't awful is over? And how do you tell someone who probably doesn't even have a clue that there is a problem because he's happy enough, so why wouldn't his wife be?

It seems this marriage is over for you. You don't owe anyone a relationship, kinder to let it go so then you are both free to find happiness, either with someone else or alone.

I wish I knew the answer. I told my husband today that I think we should separate.

How did your dh take it?

I grew upon a family with unhappily married parents who eventually divorced and I swore I would never put my own children through the same. I just wanted to give them the happy family life I never really had. Yet here I am , unhappily married to a man who us a selfish husband and a distant father and I feel I have let my children down.

In a very similar situation so will be watching with interest. Although we did have a talk about it last may and he didn't have a clue. Like your situation - he was happy so why wouldn't I be? We've been working on it but I don't think I see a long term future and agonise over what the heck I would say to end it. So I'll lurk here for advice if that's ok!

For me it was decline over many years with some appalling instances of abuse /neglect thrown in. Finally I had to realise that nothing would change so I had to get out. It was as awful as I imagined, and he is still causing me problems, but I am divorced and have my own home. My fear now is that I may make the same mistake again. Many mixed feelings but I had to leave

I’m lurking too. Had a big bust up last week with dh re money. Asked him to leave but have relented as parents have -more or less -- convinced me to make it work for our kids. My hearts not in it though. We have no money, no sex life and no communication between us. I feel like I’m a prisoner, trapped in a life I don’t want to be in

Don't settle. I tried to. It pushed me to the edge, had a breakdown.... built myself back up, then had an affair.

I'm desperately sorry about the hurt that caused and wish I'd been braver.

You know what you have to do. Be strong.

There were a few things that made me decide I knew I had to end it.

A friend was going through an unhappy marriage and ended up meeting someone else. I knew she had been desperately unhappy, she had told her H years before and he did and said nothing. She told me she saw a chance at happiness and took it. That struck a real chord with me.

Another reason was STBEXH has slept on the sofa through our DCs whole lives, they've never seen even a dot of affection between us and I knew I didn't want that to be their model of a relationship.

I have been unhappy for a long time. I always wanted the ideal family for my Ffs but I realised that me and STBEXH being grumpy and unhappy is not the way to bring them up.

I brought it up on 2 occasions last year, that I wasn't happy. He offered to have counselling etc, anything to fix it. Untold him I didn't want to, which said it all. But it still had to be me who made the decision and the one who finally said it.

In December I knew I was finally done. I just about got through Christmas. I was very withdrawn and shut myself away completely. Eventually STBEXH asked if I was thinking about our relationship and I knew it was finally time. I said I was and that I think it had run it's course. Infield for divorce in January and it's all going through now. I just felt relieved tbh.

Thank you. I will try to use your words as my mantra: I know what I have to do and I must be strong.

It's scary. Just the telling him, and the immediate aftermath. We just never really talk about anything, just casual conversations and smalltalk. How on earth do I move on to something so "big"?

Plan what you want to happen then just tell him. I know that sounds brutal but so much of life is pretence. It's so liberating to just be honest.

Just to offer an alternative perspective. I could have written this OP a year ago, in fact I think I did! After a few truly miserable years, I had reached the end of the line. However, we did relationship counselling and it has really really helped. To be honest, I only agreed to the counselling as I thought it would help us to separate more amicably, but now I'm so glad we did it.

We've both had to work hard, and things are not always perfect, but I see a future together where once I could not. Life can be tricky, especially with kids and work, and it's easy to loose each other in all of that.

Whilst I would never recommend staying in an unhappy relationship, you might want to consider this as an option?