If you are bisexual and in a 'forever' relationship

[catisbeingsick]

I am in a long term relationship of 15 years with a man. I recently had my head turned by someone who was a woman. I know I am bisexual as had flings with women before being with my DP though no real relationships.
I now feel sad that I will never be able to explore further this side of myself as I do not want to split with my DP.
Anyone else find this difficult? Sometimes I just want to feel the closeness with a female.

Oh I know how you feel. I am very happy in my relationship, but there is a bitter sweetness to it, knowing that I won’t be with a woman for the foreseeable future.
And I fully expect I would feel the same way if I was in a same sex relationship.
It is more frustrating , however, as acknowledging this in RL tend to bring out the “bisexuals cant be monogamous” crap, so there aren’t many people I can talk to about it.

Thanks for your reply, it's nice to know I'm not alone. I don't feel like I want sex with another man it's just women and that is who my fantasies involve too.

Anyone else in this position or am I on the wrong board ? Or perhaps just not anyone who does

Yep.

Which is kind of one of the reasons I’m not outed myself as bi. DH knows, as do a few friends, but it feels massively disrespectful to my relationship to be too open about fancying women.

Nobody knows I'm bi. Well my DP knows about the flings but I haven't told even my close friends as I'm worried they will see me differently and wonder if I fancy them, do your friends treat you differently* @XenoBio*

OP - you have a few options...
One is just to ignore it - just like straight women ignore fleeting attractions to other men. It’s not that difficult....
Another thing is a little outside of the box. You can tell your H about your latent desires. And see if he could be open to some sort of exploration if it together with you. Not many men would turn down an offer of an occasional threesome...
Just saying...😂

It’s not that ‘DIFFERENT’ meant to say

I hear you. My partner is happy for me to date women but it doesn't feel fair, to DP and to hypothetical woman.

That's interesting Safeea.
I think I would love permission for this but wonder how I would feel about it morally when it actually came to it

I think this is normal as I've experienced these feelings and recently a friend of mine who is bisexual and with a long term male partner has expressed feeling the same.

Although for us it's more a general longing to know what it would be like to be in a relationship with a woman rather than feelings for a specific woman. And I think if I was with a woman I'd probably long for some of the things that come with being with a man.

I think it's common and understandable to feel like this but people don't talk about it because as a PP said people don't want to further the notion that bisexual people can't be monogamous.

I don't feel like I want sex with another man it's just women and that is who my fantasies involve too

Saaaaaaame.

Me and DP talk about fantasies lots and have occasionally experimented.

@safeea
@catisbeingsick

First off - if your partner has given you permission - provided that you are honest with the other person you are dating - there are no moral issues. Those ‘other’ don’t have to be soulmates, or even ‘relationships’ - can be just fun, play partners.

It’s not as easy to find this sort of an arrangement - but swinging or poly communities can be a good place to start....

Secondly - do consider doing this together... He may be more open to it this way.
If what you are after is a physical interaction with another female - rather than ‘dating’ - then it can all be done in a safe and non-threatening way to your relationship.
Have you heard of Killing Kittens?
Plenty of bi- and bi-curios women on there.

I’ve just come on here to register my incontrovertibly at some of the responses here. Such as the stereotypical comments like he’s a bloke, they all love lesbians and offer a threesome. I’m a typical bloke who does have typical childish attractions to lesbians but fantasy is different to reality. I’d be gutted if a girlfriend told me she wanted a threesome. Suspect most other men would feel the same if in a 15 year old relationship. No doubt in a 1-3 month relationship many blokes would run their hands together but this isn’t it

Sorry for the typos. I just think I’ve read a load of drivel though. Surely if there was an opportune moment to introduce a bit of oo err threesome stuff it would have happened before a whole 15 years. You haven’t cheated so you don’t necessarily validate the bisexuals cant be faithful trope but falling for someone and having your head turned isn’t very good for a relationship

How is your situation different from s straight woman in a long term relationship with a man who has her head turned by another man? Isn’t this just the deal with monogamy?

@Caucho

Have you been in a 15year relationship?

You may speak for most men - but you are mostly projecting your own ideas.
In my experience of a few years of pushing some boundaries - many couples get to a point of wanting to try different things AFTER a long time together.

Because by then - many insecurities associated with losing their partner aren’t there anymore.
Love and commitment isn’t questioned. And people can just let their hedonistic selves out.
Of course - there are, also, people who start that way too...
There is not just one way to live, you know....

Being a woman attracted to both genders can be complex. It can also be very rewarding too, it is far from all negative. It is also more common than many people think and can be a lovely later discovery in life.

But if I had a pound for everyone (often men) who suggest a threesome as a way forward, in this type of situation, l would be very rich.

Fantasy land may be all well and good, but for most of us, it is not about our bodies becoming an entertainment system or part of a show.

Same situation here. But it’s something I’ve never explored. My dh wouldn’t be interested in threesomes and would be very hurt if I even suggested it but I do long to try a female relationship and am currently wrestling with a crush on a woman at the moment.

Yes the threesome thing is never going to happen and is not at all what I want or what my DP would want. It's not just a sexual fantasy, it's wanting the emotional attachment too. It's between two people.
I think I know that the only way around this is to somehow bury it and forget it but that seems impossible at the moment.

We can all get our heads turned in a relationship but if you want to keep the commitment, you don’t entertain it. If you do, you will feel miserable with your partner. This about being monogamous, not bisexuality.

Somw men claim that they don’t worry about women with women but in my experience they are largely thinking of their own gratification if you discuss it. If you actually left them for a woman, they often really don’t take it well.

Another bi here. I do occasionally crush on other women, but I put firmly back into the fantasy box - I made a conscious choice when I married DH and I am happy about it. I think it's healthy to acknowledge we are attracted to other people, but I would rather take the "what if" regret than the "marital break up" regret.

Having said all of that, I do miss women's bodies and the way we approach sex. It's a very different experience to how I have been with men.

Caucho While I agree that it's an unfair generalization to say all men would like MFF threesomes or their partner having a relationship with another woman, no one said anything about lesbians except you. It's equally a gross generalization to say that a 'typical childish bloke fantasy' is about lesbians who by definition want nothing sexually to do with men. That's an entirely different issue to what is being discussed here.

catisbeingsick As others said, while there are additional elements, this is much like any other crush or feelings about what could be or could have been. It's difficult and at times hurts for me, but it does pass with space and time. I find getting other distractions or spending more time with my spouse helps at times. I do discuss it with him and as he is also bisexual, he understands a bit though not entirely.

For me, part of the difficulty is the close-affection friendships I had when I was younger just feel like they don't exist anymore - we've all gone to the four corners of the earth and into very different life phases. I do feel a gap emotionally more and it seems that at my age, there is no real socially available path for developing new ones, and when my head is turned I do find that that is what I'm missing most. It is hard and I wish there were things to recommend other than focusing on what you have and it will pass or considering or discussing polyamorous options as I don't think either fully gets at the emotional connections people want.

Thanks fuzzy. That is really helpful.
I agree about the close emotional ties but I do have these with women, I just end up fancying them

I appreciate that my view is not the only view and that some people might be ok with the open relationship scenario and that men are cool about relationships with outsiders as long as it’s not another man. The reason why I acquired a bee in my bonnet was that this somehow became the default response. I’m not ruling it out but don’t believe it to be the most likely successful option on average. Some people may be cool but most won’t. As an aside the OP has updated that it’s not just a sexual mechanical thing for her but emotional also which makes it a bigger no no. Some (ok highly logical type) people could accept such an arrangement if it was just sex but this doesn’t seem to be the case even