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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Whats a fair work load split? (again...Sorry!)

25 replies

bobbypinseverywhere · 07/04/2019 14:25

I know this question gets asked endlessly so i apologise but just wanted some opinions specific to our circumstances.

Im feeling pissed off today with DH and I'm probably being unfair. I would like honest opinions on how much i should expect him to do.
We are just getting out of a rough patch where i felt resentful that he did nothing, and I'm worried we are sliding back to that place.

We both have stressful, professional jobs in different fields. I have just gone part time 6 months ago as i was getting burnt out. Before this i worked very long hours 80+/week, and did everything. He also worked long hours and was away from home for months at a time, where everything fell to me.

We have both changed our work hours in slightly different roles with the aim of getting a break. He still works longish hours - out the house from 8-6.30 most days, and travels for work 1-2 x month for a few days. I work 3 days a week but earn the same wage as him, so we agreed it would be fair for me to work part time as we weren't taking a financial hit. We have no DCs yet (TTC).

He still really does nothing in terms of day to day running of the house. We are renovating so he pitches in equally, if not more at weekends for the DIY aspects - i say he does more as he usually takes the lead on 'blue jobs' however painting etc we do the same amount. basically every weekend is doing DIY.

my question is, how much can i expect him to do on the days we both work? i hate my job and come home exhausted and drained. i really wanted him to be able to do a quick dinner on some week nights where i am home later, but he feels too stressed to do so. we end up getting a takeaway or oven pizza which i hate. i give in as i also feel exhausted.

yes i could batch cook, and I'm looking in to this...but i guess I'm asking is one dinner a week too much to ask? should i be doing everything because i only work 3 days?

OP posts:

newmumwithquestions · 07/04/2019 14:50

I don’t think you should have children with this guy.

Out the house 8-6:30 is not a long day.

On office days I’m out the house 6:15-5:15 (later if I go to the gym but that’s my downtime so not fair to include that). Its a professional job and I think that I have a pretty good work/life balance! I usually don’t cook on office days but wash up, sort washing, put kids to bed, etc - these are by far my easiest days!

Working from home days start later, but I leave at 7:45 having got myself and 2 preschoolers up, packed their nursery bags, etc. I don’t stop till they are in bed about 8:30 pm. Then admin (home or work) usually takes another hour till 9:30 pm.

I get how DIY invades your life - we’ve done it, but really the running a home stuff without children shouldn’t be that stressful.

To answer your question, yes you should be able to do all house stuff for two of you very easily in 2 days week (saying 3 days a week is for work and weekends are for diy/other stuff). But also he should be able to get in from work and cook some days!

KatharinaRosalie · 07/04/2019 18:25

8-6.30 is not a long day.
You should share the tasks so you both have equal leisure time.

Ragwort · 07/04/2019 18:29

If you are arguing about sharing jobs at this stage of your relationship do NOT have children with this man.
It really doesn’t matter what a bunch of mumsnetters think, if you can’t agree on such an important issue then your relationship is doomed. You only have to look at the countless threads on here about ‘sharing’ wifework, it won’t get any better.

Original poster

bobbypinseverywhere · 07/04/2019 19:56

wow... i thought id get slightly less brutal replies as i didn't post in AIBU

i get people on this forum are bored of this question and i do understand its asked a lot. i suppose i posted as i wanted to ensure i was justified in talking to him about redistributing some of the work.

the part about equal leisure time is the point really - i get more time off than him - but would like support on my 'difficult days' but i get more time to unwind on my off days than he does.

in terms of 'agreeing' i haven't spoken to him about it yet as he's away, i wanted others opinion too see whether i should or not

OP posts:

irregularegular · 07/04/2019 20:03

What time do you get home? I would think whoever is home first sorts dinner. Unless one of you is a much keener cook than the other.

If you have two days at home and no kids then yes I'm afraid I would expect you to take the lion's share of domestic stuff. But not on the days you both work.

irregularegular · 07/04/2019 20:07

I know it might seem a bit ridiculous but if he has never really cooked or organised food he may not have a clue where to start. I would talk to him about very simple meals that he could easily prepare and you would be happy to eat. Simple pastas. A simple salmon fillet. A stir fry. Even ready prepared meals but good quality with fresh veg on the side. You plan the meals and shop (online) on your days off. But he has to prepare them.

trilbydoll · 07/04/2019 20:11

How much needs doing on those 3 days? Surely it's just cooking then clearing up - and you each do one or the other.

If he thinks 8-6.30 is an awful long day and he can't possibly do anything else you're fighting a losing battle. How on earth will he cope with a baby, sleepless nights and such long days?!

Original poster

bobbypinseverywhere · 07/04/2019 20:22

yes I'm more than happy to do the lions share of the work on my days off and do so

the particular question was on the days we both work should he cook - but it seems people think it reasonable that he could be expected to cook on the one day he gets home first so that dinner is 'sorted' for when i get home late- and it was as basic as beans on toast or eggs for example.

thats what we had agreed for one day a week where i do a long day, but the last few weeks he has been too stressed to do so, and then we end up having to get a late takeaway when I'm home. its more about the content/stress levels of our jobs than length of the day if that makes sense... he feels 'like a zombie' and checks out for the entire evening.

@trilby thats my worry! this job was supposed to give us a break but he is still finding it too stressful to check in with me. and i think thats a large part of the way I'm feeling - i feel i can't talk about my bad day at work as i don't work as long as he does, even tho i really struggle with my job and hate the stress/responsibility

OP posts:

mindutopia · 07/04/2019 20:35

You work 3 days a week and you have no children? You should be doing everything except the share of what needs doing on the weekends. I work 6am-7pm several days a week (also have 2 children including a baby who has me up 3+ times a night). If my dh was sitting on his bum not getting all the housework done 2 full days a week, while I did all this, I’d be pretty damn pissed off.

That said, if it’s not easy now, it’s not going to get easier, so do NOT have children together.

Quartz2208 · 07/04/2019 20:35

why is he too stressed that is the question

mindutopia · 07/04/2019 20:37

And to answer your question, you have two days offf each week, you batch cook for the other days. Then you take turns cooking at the weekend.

HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 07/04/2019 20:40

Why don't you cook together?

keepingspiritsup · 08/04/2019 08:21

You say he does more than his share of DIY and you've now gone part time?? So what's the problem? I think youre being a bit precious?? If it's that much of a problem doing a bit of washing up and house cleaning on the days you have off now you're part time then get a cleaner and give the bloke a break.

NameChangeNugget · 08/04/2019 08:29

What exactly is there to do? You’re part time, with no children?

Settlersofcatan · 08/04/2019 08:30

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect your DH to do some housework (less than you as you only work 3 days a week) and to be able to cook a simple healthy meal. I honestly think you'll be miserable if you have children with him - he is already making it clear that he won't be doing any of the work. If you're resentful now, when you also have a baby and sleepless nights that he won't help with, you will hate him by the end of your mat leave.

avocuddl · 08/04/2019 08:33

I agree with @mindutopia- you have 4 days off a week, I don't think it's unreasonable to batch cook on those days so you both don't have to worry about cooking on your 'stressful' days.

Also agree that 8-6:30 is absolutely not a long day and that you both should really think about children if you're struggling to cope in your current situation.

Mummyshark2018 · 08/04/2019 08:36

Jeez, you work 3 days a week and you have NO children. You may want to re-consider having any in the future if you both are already struggling to do the very basic human tasks- feeding yourselves!

pissedonatrain · 08/04/2019 11:33

Yes, he should make you dinner on the days you work.

When you were working 80 hours a week and still did everything I bet you managed to cook him dinner.

You worked 80 hours a week and he did fuck all.

I get your're working the 3 days per week, but you didn't say how many hours per day you are working on those days, and he is working 5 but I would be resentful at still having to do everything around the house an he couldn't even be arsed to make me a meal a week.

I wouldn't have children with him as clearly you'll be doing all the childcare as well as all the wife work and working.

another20 · 08/04/2019 12:02

It’s sounds like you both hate your jobs. That is physically and emotionally draining - you could both be exhausted and depressed. I would look at both of yiu changing career direction to find some lightness, joy and fulfilment in your lives.

Sounds like you are both resentful and contemptuous - is it if each other?

It’s not a misery competition - you should both be actively seeking to support each other in little acts of kindness and cooperation. If it feels like conflict then you are not compatible.

Do not bring children into this miserable situation.

Gintonic · 08/04/2019 12:11

Clearly he can't be arsed to cook and sees nothing wrong with eating takeaway. You don't want to eat takeaway. If he can't be bothered to pull his finger out and cook for you once a week then seriously I would stop TTC and reconsider your relationship, it is going to be a thousand times worse with a baby. And babies can't eat takeaway either.

ukgift2016 · 08/04/2019 12:26

My sister getting married to a man like this. She has to do everything even though she works full time.

All I can say is, unless you leave then this is the life you have chosen to lead. Don't mistake yourself into thinking things will get better once you have a baby, your still be doing all the housework, childcare and eventually work. Good luck.

EL8888 · 08/04/2019 12:38

8.00-6.30 is fairly standard l think. Do you mind giving us a hint at least about what he does for a living. As he does seem excessively stressed. Personally l would want him to make dinner on the days you work. Especially if you are doing most of the other household stuff

LoubyLou1234 · 08/04/2019 13:16

No children here. I work x 3/4 long days a week leaving at 6:30am home by 8:30. My partner works Monday to Friday 8-5 roughly. Probably I do a little more as yes I have more time in days off, however he still does his fair share. I might have more days off but I'm still out the house 40+ hrs a week for work.

I think we are a good team tbh and it works well with us we don't even discuss it. Just happens we've found what works for us. It can be done and house with two people isn't difficult to keep clean/tidy.

Jessgalinda · 08/04/2019 13:51

Would you be willing to pick up more of the stuff he us doing at weekends?

UbbesPonytail · 08/04/2019 14:48

I think you’re both working hard and are shattered. Is dinner the major issue? Sometimes it’s about focussing on the solution rather than the problem - what about a compromise eg have some of the Cook meals in for those days so neither of you have to think about dinner/prep dinner etc. Obviously batch cooking would be better but I think you just need to evaluate how your life right now, in the throes of DIY, might need a little bit of ease.

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