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Relationships

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Original poster

Dating a swinger

23 replies

Swinginghigh · 07/04/2019 13:41

I’ve had a few weeks of dates with a man who is great company. However he has let on that in the past (many years ago whilst single) he has attended swinging clubs. He said it was an easy way to have sex whilst single.

He talks as if he wants to build up slowly to a relationship but has asked me if I would be interested in going to a club together. I’ve never been anywhere like that before but it is something I’m curious about. However I’m assuming from him asking this that he is basically wanting to be able to sleep with different women rather than be in an exclusive relationship. I need to talk properly to him but don’t know what to ask, given I have no experience of this whatsoever.

OP posts:

OldAndWornOut · 07/04/2019 13:48

Its actually quite unusual for swinging clubs to allow single male members (pardon the pun!)
Ask for more details.. and tell us!

Original poster

Swinginghigh · 07/04/2019 14:01

I think he had to be vetted first, god that sounds awful!

OP posts:

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 07/04/2019 14:03

Dump and run.

But that's just me.

DointItForTheKids · 07/04/2019 14:09

I'd just wonder how much unprotected sex he's had and how many diseases he's and if it's common/uncommon to use protection in this day and age of swinging (what this day and age of swinging looks like I've got no idea. I can see the appeal of a club in some ways, but the thought of endless instances of people having unprotected sex with each other literally makes me want to vomit - if that is the case).

Original poster

Swinginghigh · 07/04/2019 14:12

I asked about the protection side, that is one thing he seems very re about and has always used. But condoms can’t practice from everything.

OP posts:

Original poster

Swinginghigh · 07/04/2019 14:16

*Protect

OP posts:

OldAndWornOut · 07/04/2019 14:17

Sometimes single men have swinging partners to facilitate being able to go to clubs and so on.
They go as a couple.
I'm not suggesting this man is planning to do this with you as an unwitting accomplice, but just be on your guard.

Butterymuffin · 07/04/2019 14:20

I also thought single men were not that welcome at swinging clubs. Don't agree to anything before you're ready. For me I would want it to be established as a relationship before I tried out stuff like going to such clubs (if I were going to do it at all) not the other way around.

Butterymuffin · 07/04/2019 14:21

Also, he says he's always used protection. Does he have a clean recent STD test to show you? If he's such a seasoned swinger, he will surely understand you asking about that.

Original poster

Swinginghigh · 07/04/2019 14:24

He apparently was classed as a “bull” when he went years ago. But he did say that the number of single men allowed in was limited. And yes, unless this is a relationship that was progressing well I don’t want to go in this direction right now. I’m wary that I could be used as a means for him to get into these places. I think I need to see how things go from a dating view point with him first.

OP posts:

breadzeb · 07/04/2019 14:30

He wants a slow build up to a relationship but is already asking if you would be interested in swinging

Sorry but that would have me run a mile. He is already thinking about shagging multiple people, with you to help him achieve.

StillAgony · 07/04/2019 14:32

I was in a relationship with an ex-swinger until recently.
He used to go to clubs in London as a single Male in the 70s
He continued in the swinging scene with his wife until she died some years ago. He was honest and told me about his past. I said from the off that it wasnt for me, and any relationship I had with him would need to be exclusive. 12months in I found out he was in contact with a woman he'd met at swinging parties. There were sexually explicit emails from both sides, with plans to meet up.
Our relationship ended, although we are still friends.

MIA12 · 07/04/2019 14:43

Is it something you would genuinely be interested in yourself, or are you only interested to appease him in some way, even on a subconscious level? The thought of a new man already looking to sleep with other people would have me running for the hills.

Original poster

Swinginghigh · 07/04/2019 14:47

I can understand swinging in a long term relationship which is well established. But whilst the idea interests me, the fact this is currently a dating relationship makes me wary of being used.

OP posts:

StillAgony · 07/04/2019 14:52

I'd be very wary.
If hes been on the swinging scene for a lot of years, he's hardly likely to want to change now.

DonkeyScramble · 07/04/2019 14:58

It's not at all unusual for single men to go to sex clubs. Numbers are controlled and you have to behave. A 'bull' is basically a guy who fucks other men's wives, either with them watching or not.

Original poster

Swinginghigh · 07/04/2019 15:03

He hasn’t been for around 9 years (he was in a relationship that broke down a year ago. However I’m aware I only have his word for this. He seems honest enough and very open about his past life, rather than hiding things. But ...

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 07/04/2019 15:06

Fgs. I would run for the hills.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 07/04/2019 15:43

A friend of mine used to be heavily into the swinging scene and always went as half of a couple. Single women were welcome; single men were not. I had a FWB some years ago and he too had dabbled .... I was quite curious and went with him one night (he hadn't done anything like that for years - it was my idea). It was surreal and comical at the same time. We were shown around the various rooms by a very well spoken, well dressed middle aged woman (not sure what I was expecting). The women seemed to be trying to outdo each other on the volume of their enjoyment.

Anyway with regard to dating someone who's been honest about their past - yes, I would if I really liked him. Just don't be talked into anything you don't want to do.

Divebar · 07/04/2019 16:09

He didn’t have to tell you about the swinging at all did he ? So why lie about how long it’s been? I also presume if he was talented enough to be the bull and was on the scene long enough that he doesn’t actually need you to facilitate entry anywhere. Whether of course you want any part of that scene yourself only you can decide but I think it’s better that these things are discussed rather than being hidden.

Sagradafamiliar · 07/04/2019 16:30

He hasn't been in 9 years but is already testing the waters with you?
It would be a no for me, he's telling you he isn't interested in monogamy.

wantmorenow · 08/04/2019 09:38

Lots of clubs allow single men in. There are couple's nights and open nights. Safe sex is pretty much universal but some take risks, same as real life. If it interests you perhaps go along and see for yourself but only if the idea of a non-monogamous relationship is potentially for you.

He is being open and honest, if you want a monogamous relationship then tell him your expectations. Relationships, and I include swinging ones, are about knowing your own wants, needs and limits. Work out yours and tell him straight.

For what its worth my DP and I delved into swinging for the first time as a newly together couple and it works for us. It's something that happens very rarely now as the novelty wore off but it's a fun occasional experience we have together.

Pussyslayer · 08/04/2019 09:40

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