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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Insensitive comment(s) or is it me that is TOO sensitive?

28 replies

Jools7711 · 07/04/2019 12:59

I've been with boyfriend for 8 years now. We have had our bad patches and arguments, but the past couple of years have been really good, good communication, great sex, laughter, good times generally. We don't live together due to work commitments in different areas and financial issues, but we have talked about it for the future.

Yesterday morning we were sitting in bed having a cuppa and out of the blue he put his hand on my hip, like on the side of my bottom and said "Why don't you get injections here?" I really could not fathom what he meant, the only thing I thought he could mean was injections to make my butt bigger, so I felt really offended by his comment. I asked him what he meant, that I thought his comment was either really odd... or that he meant I should have work done on my behind, and he gave an even stranger answer: "All I meant was why not have injections in there because that's where children have them..."

What a bizarre thing to say, basically I think he didn't expect me to get upset by his comment and he had no idea how to defend himself. I have had a hard time at work the past few weeks, I wondered was he trying to make me laugh, like in a wind me up and annoy me way... but although he can do that sometimes, I mean the sense of humour, I really feel offended by his comment. He did not say that he was trying to make me laugh or wind me up, he just kept repeating the weird thing about children.... and now is telling me I overreacted and misunderstood him and took it the wrong way and that now he is afraid to even speak to me as I "always misunderstand things".

I reaaaaaaaaaaaaaally don't understand him at all and way back in the past, when we had problems, one of them back in 2010 and 2011, was that he made some snarky, semi-jokey comments about my breasts, my hair and my other parts of my figure and appearance, including getting hold of the back bit of my arms and telling me "You need to be careful". This has thrown me right back into those horrible feelings again.

A good friend says men can just be idiots and say insensitive things, but I donÄt buy that men are insensitive malarkey. She thinks I should just forgive him though and try to forget it. But I want to get to the bottom of it, pardon the pun. I feel like he is picking at my flaws again. I have a smallish bottom, but proportionate, and like every woman, especially as we get older, some stretch marks and maybe flatter, droopier parts. Where he put his hand was a part that is not so "perfect" and it feels like he was telling me I need a butt lift. What makes it even worse is that we are currently on holiday and I was only JUST starting to relax from work stress. Now I want to fly home early.

I am 50 years old and in really good shape and am told all the time I look good. The other day my new hairdresser thought I was in my twenties. Although I am certainly NOT seeking flattery, I know I am fit and healthy for my age, have good skin and am slim with decent enough curves in the right places, but heck, I am no Kardashian!! I certainly did not expect to have jibes made about my body while on holiday either!!!

Am I overreacting?? He says I am and that he is now afraid to even open his mouth.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 07/04/2019 13:02

Why would you want to be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself? He's trying to make you feel bad so that he feels better - I bet he feels you're out of his league. He sounds horrible.

HollowTalk · 07/04/2019 13:02

What are the financial issues? Is he overspending?

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 07/04/2019 13:04

I would have assumed he meant injections are given to children in their thighs so why not for adults?
But then read the bit where you said he used to poke fun at your body.
Not sure. Does he still try and put you down? Did he ask about the injections in a a snide way or more like general musings when weird thoughts come into your brain?

Thingsdogetbetter · 07/04/2019 13:16

Are you sure he meant 'you' as a singular pronoun or 'you' as a plural to mean people in general? With the children comment I'd have assumed he meant people in general. Sounds like he was thinking about why adults get injections in their arms and kids in the more fleshy hip area. He came out with a question without the context and you're insecurities about that area made you leap to an insult. And from that to a huge leap that he's suggesting a bum lift!? That's a HUGE jump and based only on your feelings.

If the last time he made wankery jokes was 7 years ago then you're really hanging on due to your insecurities. Did he stop because you told him they were wankery comments and he then stopped? Or did he stop because he realised he was hurting your feelings?

You say you know you're in good shape etc, but you don't sound as body confident as you like to think.

I'd say it was a misunderstanding on your part and you've overreacted. Unless there's going to be a drip fed?

JustHereForThePooStories · 07/04/2019 13:16

I think he meant “why do adults not get injections here?”.

I think you’re being over-sensitive in relation to this remark.

Though, if one remark from him puts you on a bad place because of how he’s behaved on the past, I’d question why you would choose to live your life like this.

PotolBabu · 07/04/2019 13:21

I also took it to mean why don’t adults have their injections there. Nothing to do with anyone’s butt looking bigger. He was repeating the ‘weird thing’ about children because that’s what he meant and it had nothing to do with getting a butt lift. It’s a really strange leap to make.

Jools7711 · 07/04/2019 14:21

Thanks everyone for the replies. We speak German to each other, and he used the singular form to address one person, not the form you would use to refer to other people or generally why don't people get injections there. So it was definitely addressed at me, why don't I personally have injections in my bottom.

OP posts:
pallasathena · 07/04/2019 15:34

You look fab...which is why he's making nasty comments. All designed to make you insecure and make him feel good.
Is he gorgeous?
No, didn't think so, but you are. :)
He's not worthy of you OP.

ravenmum · 07/04/2019 15:42

Personally my response would be "if you don't like this bum, find yourself another".

Pianobook · 07/04/2019 16:11

He obviously meant increase your bum size. All the Instagram and minor reality stars have had a butt lift and it’s becoming a ‘normal’ image now I think.

Pianobook · 07/04/2019 16:12

I don’t blame you for being offended.

Bananalanacake · 07/04/2019 16:22

my dp is German and they are well known for getting to the point and not being tactful. though I expect you know this. personally I would try not to get upset and ask him to explain what he meant.

ravenmum · 07/04/2019 17:32

I've had three German partners. None of them would have dreamt of being this rude to me.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 07/04/2019 17:58

@Jools7711
What exactly did he say? In German?

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 07/04/2019 18:01

Do you actually get injections anywhere else? As in treatment?

Jools7711 · 07/04/2019 18:45

@ Prokupatuscrakedatus

He said "Warum machst Du keine Spritze hier?"

OP posts:
Jools7711 · 07/04/2019 18:45

@ YourSarcasmIsDripping

No, I don't have any treatments for anything

OP posts:
YourSarcasmIsDripping · 07/04/2019 18:51

Then he's a twat.

Bemusedagain · 07/04/2019 20:42

How bizarre. I don’t understand him at all. It’s in no way being near to funny. It’s very very odd.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 07/04/2019 21:36

@Jools7711

And German is his first language?

a) Warum lässt Du Dir nichts hier hin spritzen - Injections to enhance etc. a body part

b) Warum spritzt man eigentlich nicht hier hin? - why don't adults get their injections here

c) Warum spritzt Du - only usable if you do your injections yourself

d) Warum machst du keine Spritze hier? - is not a corrct sentence, not even in a dialect and see c)

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 07/04/2019 21:37

@Jools7711

And German is his first language?

a) Warum lässt Du Dir nichts hier hin spritzen - Injections to enhance etc. a body part

b) Warum spritzt man eigentlich nicht hier hin? - why don't adults get their injections here

c) Warum spritzt Du - only usable if you do your injections yourself

d) Warum machst du keine Spritze hier? - is not a corrct sentence, not even in a dialect and see c)

Floydian · 07/04/2019 22:50

Been great last couple of years the says one thing and its all this hoo haa. Yes you are over reacting...

Cherrysoup · 07/04/2019 23:35

Are you both actually German? What he said to you isn’t correct, as Prok said.

Jools7711 · 09/04/2019 18:32

@ Prokupatuscrakedatus

No, German is his second language, but he's been living in Germany for over 30 years. Likewise German is not my native language, it's my second.

I have tried to discuss it with him, he has been defensive and pushed it onto me, claiming I misunderstood him and am too sensitive. But I still don't have a plausible, logical explanation for what he said. He claims it "just popped into his head" about injections in bottoms. I think it's just really bizarre.

The atmosphere between us has been awful. Thank goodness we fly back on Monday. He has apologised for unintentionally hurting me, but still can't give me a "proper" explanation for why he said it out of the blue with no context:

OP posts:
Jools7711 · 09/04/2019 18:33

@ YourSarcasmIsDripping

I think you could be right. I can't think of what else he could have meant and he can't give me a plausible explanation.

OP posts:
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