Friend isn't interested anymore

[schalot]

It hurts when a friend isn't interested anymore. I've got 1 year old twins and she said she'd come over to see us - their birthdays were in January. I'm busy with the babies but I always make the effort with her. I'm sick of it now it's a one sided relationship and I'm beginning to look desperate for her friendship - which I'm not.
Just wanted to rant really , feel heartbroken.

Does your friend have babies too? If not, you may just find you grow apart for a while until they’re (much) older. I’ve had this with several good friends. We’ve reconnected now my DC are adults and the friendships are as good as they’v ever been. In the meantime I made friends with local mums with DC of the same age. Now I have twice the number of friends ha ha! I guess I’m saying try not to agonise about it, just go with the flow

No doesn't have babies. Yeah I guess go with the flow. :( still sad about it feel insecure like i've done something wrong for her not to be in contact.

Friendships ebb and flow but you should always feel overall it’s balanced: that she wants to see you and values you as much as you do her. But on the other hand life does get in the way sometimes, and I’m a big believer in the idea that solid strong friendships can withstand periods of not speaking or hanging out, you still know you care about each other and will circle back around but there’s no pressure on either party to feel as though they’re somehow in the wrong if a few months go by without much contact.

In your shoes I’d definitely back off a bit and let her make the next move whenever she’s ready, don’t take it personally, and things will likely pick up again. You definitely don’t want to keep asking to meet if you have a couple times and it hasn’t happened or been met with an ‘I’m busy next week sorry but how about this date?’

Don’t make it into a drama just focus on other friends for now and make sure socially your eggs aren’t all in one basket. Happy, sociable people with full lives are way more appealing to come to for friendship than someone you feel suffocated by because you’re their only real friend.

If you feel you might have done something wrong and you’re not normally someone to jump to conclusions there’s nothing wrong with asking just to make sure. If it’s a solid friendship it’ll withstand one person reaching out and saying look it’s probably nothing but I just wanted to put my mind at rest and check I’ve not said something to upset you. Might be better than agonising over it on your own.

I'll just back off I think. I am sociable with the kids and have begun to make new friends so I think i'll just leave it. It's annoying that she doesn't make an effort with the kids though. I think shes quite lazy - if I asked her she would do something but she won't make the first move for whatever reason. With the twins I haven't got time to pussyfoot anymore I want a friend that puts in what I put in. It hurts to realise it though

I never really understood life with babies, until I had my own.
I can well imagine that I'd have drifted apart from someone who had two
I'm really sorry, OP
Have to say though, I've probably made more friends through being a mum, than at any other stage of my life (ironically!). Baby & toddler groups are a lifeline x
Ps have you tried telling her how you feel? Maybe organise a meet without the babies?

Thanks

Ah I couldn’t be arsed with a lazy friend like that. Life’s too short not to spend time with friends who will make at least a bit of effort to contribute to the friendship. Leave her to it.

Nah - we've been in this situation before and she just cries when I tell her how I feel. That she doesn't make enough effort.

Babies are so trying, especially when you don't have your own. I always made an effort but I really didn't enjoy itendless baby talk and answering questions. Others are probably right, it's not personal you are both just at a different time in your lives.

I find some of her things boring too but I always ask.

Hi OP, you have my deepest sympathies, it is incredibly painful to lose a friendship and/or feel that an important friend does not make the same effort and prioritise you, the way you do for them. You are right to use the word 'heartbroken' because that is how it feels when you have that kind of close connection with a friend and lose it, or it is not reciprocated.

You must also be exhausted caring for two babies, so it's a double blow to feel your friend is backing off probably at the time you feel you most need her/most need some adult company. I wish I could give you some better advice. All I can suggest is, like others have said, to focus on other friendships (I'm trying to do this myself after a friendship 'break up', and I know it's not easy).

You sound like a lovely friend OP, so try to hold on to the fact that there will be other people out there that will reciprocate and give as much to you as you give to them.

Thats for your lovely message. It really is heartbreaking and it helps that you see it. Thank you