What would you do if you were me?

[violetblues]

Me and dp have been together 11 years we have 3 children together aged between 2 and 8.

Last year we had a really bad time where dp was suffering terribly with his mental health. He was getting no support from any professional. We tried but he wasn't deemed ill enough to be sectioned ( even though it's what he needed) he had a few meetings with his doctor but was then discharged.

I was left to deal with everything with 2 very small children and a primary school aged child who had lots of events that I was required to attend.

Dp became very horrible towards me blaming me for everything basically, even his illnesses. He then kicked me when he was in a rage.

I was very shocked and got the police involved.

I didn't press any charges as I knew his mental health would deteriorate even more and I believed he just needed medical help to get better.

Fast forward to now and he's mentally more stable but I feel a lot worse. I don't think I can forget what happened and how he acted towards me. I'm always scared it will happen again.

I would like to leave him but the children adore him as to them he is amazing and treats them well, exactly how he should.

They would not understand why I would want to spit us up and would think I'm just being mean.

So what would you do if you were me?

1)Stay to keep the family together for the sake of the children?

2)Leave and eventually explain to the children why?

3. something else?

Thank you to all who's read.

Hmm tough one

Has he ever apologised to you? Taken ownership?

Maybe some counselling of some sort

Do you still love him?

I think you need to do what will make you happier in the long run.

Your children will pick up on the tension.

Have you got somewhere to go or any other support?

I would leave whilst he gets the help he needs. If he is having violent outbursts due to his mental health you and the children aren't safe. If he was to lose it in front of him it would ruin the relationship he has with them. Has he got a referral to your areas mental health team for evaluation? I have had mental health issues most of my life.

The thing that got me to get help was my DH saying that he couldn't cope with my outbursts and behaviour. I was a nightmare to live with on the bad days. I realised that I needed to take control of the situation and get help. 4 years later I'm living a somewhat normal life.

He has apologised but then will still say it was my fault if it's spoken about.

I know deep down he thinks it's my fault and doesn't understand why I got the police involved.

I care about him and want him to get well but I don't love him.

If I was to leave it would be for good. I wouldn't go somewhere temporarily as I believe that would be much more confusing for out dc.

None of those options just yet.

I’d tell him what you’ve said here, that you need to talk through what happened and how it made you feel. How he responds will tell you whether the relationship has a future.

You owe it to your children not to role model a relationship in which you’re treading on eggshells for the rest of your life and always prioritising everyone else’s needs over your own.

I would leave. Lots of people have mental health problems and don't use violence. It is an excuse and he blames you for it! Your not happy and the children will start to see this more soon. They will still see their father.

@FamilyOfAliens I have told him exactly what I've wrote on here many times and he says I'm being silly as he's not a violent person so I have no reason to be scared.

If you don't love him I would leave. That's s good enough reason to go. Life is too short.

His attitude about attacking you is the killer.

Although where there has been violence, I would always recommend ending the relationship. A vital boundary has been crossed and you can never change that. But with his continued belief, it's your fault - you've nowhere to go with it and it's very likely to happen again.

You need to leave him. Of course the dc love him, but you don't need to be in a relationship with him for that to continue. The dc will adapt and they don't have to like the decision for it to be the right one for you all. It's not good for them that this is the relationship being modelled to them and you'd be able to provide a safe, stable environment on your own.

You want to leave him, that's all there is to it. You have no obligation to him if you think you can't continue with him. Based on his history, you're completely justified in doing so too.

He is a violent person because he was violent towards you. Whether he thinks he is or not isn’t relevant (not one abuser believes they are abusive).

He hasn’t taken responsibility for kicking you, he blames you for his violence, and you don’t love him anymore.

It’s good that he’s great with the kids, hopefully this will make coparenting easier.

This relationship has run its course. You can’t stay with him for the dcs, they will learn that loveless marriages are normal and will end up following the same path.

If you need permission to leave, then you have it. He will still be their father, they will still have him in their lives, but staying will end up in heartbreak all round.

The fact that even now he still blames you is what would make me leave, not the incident in the first place.

Staying together and exposing the children to a sham of a loving relationship is never a good idea.

It won’t be easy, but neither would spending the rest of your life in a relationship with someone who makes you question your instincts.

He ought to be devastated that he attacked you. Anyone who thinks their own violence is someone else's fault is a problem. If you want to leave, don't just stay for the kids. They will be better off in the long run if you're happy and not living a lie.

Hitting someone is crossing a line which shouldn’t be tolerated. The fact he still blames you when his thoughts are calmer is a big red flag that unfortunately means he doesn’t truly regret his past behaviour.

I’d probably make plans to leave.

In what way or for what reason does he think it was your fault he kicked you?

I'm just worried I will look like the bad guy to my dc and they will resent me for it.

They have never seen him be horrible to me and I always try to put on a happy face so they are none the wiser.

As soon as possible.

He blames me for not making the doctors help him!

Also he now blames me for getting the police involved.

He has given you low self esteem too, know your self worth OP. You deserve better.

Don’t stay for the sake of the children, only stay if you think you can sort things out and be happy again. Separations are hard on children but it’s much better than growing up with parents in an unhappy relationship and an unhappy mum.

You don't love him - you can't forgive him, and that's a completely reasonable response. If you stay, you'll be spending the rest of your life waiting for the next time. It's no way to live.

You say he's a good father - that means you'll probably end up as pretty good co-parents. Leaving doesn't mean you'll destroy your DCs' relationship with him at all - he'll still be in their lives.

It's going to be bloody hard to leave, but it'll be worth it.

The dc may not understand now, but they will get used to the change and you'll be able to explain in age appropriate ways. You're fooling yourself if you think you've hidden all this from them. They will adapt and accept. Sometimes you have to make the right decision for everyone, even if it isn't popular. You're the adult here and they're children who don't know the full story and are growing up in a dysfunctional family. You have to put their long term interests first, which is not growing up in a household where there is violence and abuse and instability, and where their parents don't love each other.