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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why does he do/ say stuff like this?

17 replies

Taylorsu · 06/04/2019 23:54

Recently it was the significant birthday of an extended family member. My parents and GPs died a very long time ago, I dont have much family. I was v close to my wider family when young, less so now but as and when events happen I try and go to them (sadly in recent years more funerals than anything else but thats us all getting old). So when we're invited to this party I accepted.

On the night I go with OH and my adult DC. Although other extended family were invited I'm the only one who attended except for the host's sibling. I'm glad we went and made effort especially as others didn't. Relative was v pleased we were there. Obviously we didn't really know anyone (big party in function room) so the 4 of us sat together all eve. My DC said it was ok and again they were glad to go and see host relative and their family. OH was a bit po faced about it and when discussing it with his family said to them oh yes we had to go to X it was all very weird I've no idea why we even went it was a complete waste of time.

This is not the first such comment hes made where my friends or family are concerned. I found it quite unnecessary and hurtful.

OP posts:

keepingspiritsup · 07/04/2019 00:03

Unnecessary comment and he should have kept it to himself but he's entitled to his opinion (I'm sure we've all moaned to friends/family before about having to attend functions we really can't be bothered too or expressed an opinion they were rubbish afterwards) x

something2say · 07/04/2019 08:37

It's a bit worrying yes. They clearly mean something to you and he should be behind that. You're not wrong. He isn't. If it's continues, just make sure you go along, whether he does or not, and he risks your goodwill if he belittles what matters to you.

RiversDisguise · 07/04/2019 08:45

OH said this in front of you? Did you overhear him on the phone? Read an email? How?

A bit rude to say it in front of you if he knew you were sensitive and wouldn't agree / laugh it off.

SelkieRinnNaMara · 07/04/2019 08:47

Yes, worrying, is important to you not obviously the reason!?

Shoxfordian · 07/04/2019 08:47

He clearly thinks he did you a huge favour by deigning to attend. Sounds like a dick

TheStuffedPenguin · 07/04/2019 09:18

You didn't know anyone there . Think I tend to agree with him !

Hoporific · 07/04/2019 09:37

OK it wasn't a particularly charitable sentiment for him to have expressed to his family, but he was probably speaking truthfully about the experience and how felt about it.

Which makes me think..... you go to a party where you're well aware that you won't know anyone there and you compound that by sitting on your own in a group of 4 all evening.....??????

Not really the point of going to parties is it? (Yes it's nice you showed your face but ultimately this didn't count for an awful lot). If this sort of gathering isn't for you I'd give it a miss next time.

Original poster

Taylorsu · 07/04/2019 09:40

Yes it was said in front of me. I did feel it was quite mean. The inference is I think that his family (because his parents are still alive) are more important than mine.

OP posts:

Original poster

Taylorsu · 07/04/2019 09:44

We did speak to the people we knew (so host, their spouse, sibling etc). I was expecting other members of my extended family to go but sadly none did. The other people there were friends of the host who I didn't know. They were all in small groups so there wasnt really any way of speaking to others.

OP posts:

Snog · 07/04/2019 09:47

It was clearly something DH did for you out of duty. As long as he behaved well at the event and went without dragging his feet I think he did pretty well.

booboo24 · 07/04/2019 10:08

Personally I think you've taken it a bit too much to heart, he wasn't saying anything wrong about the family, more the actual event and the fact that you went but sat together all evening because you didn't know anyone else. We did something similar recently and we joked about how we could have spent the evening together in our lounge! No slight pn the people, just that we knew noone except the host who was busy circulating all evening

Original poster

Taylorsu · 07/04/2019 18:49

I appreciate he didn't want to go but there was something a bit shitty and mean about how he said it, especially referring to it as weird which I found quite rude of him.

OP posts:

RiversDisguise · 07/04/2019 19:03

In that case I think was a treasure for going tbh. Did you thank him?

The evening does sound hellish tbh

I adore my husband but this does not extend to his extended family

IncrediblySadToo · 07/04/2019 19:09

Well, to be honest, a party where you sit in the corner with your immediate family does seem a little bit pointless. Why didn’t you sit with the host, spouse & sibling?

Frankly, I’d have talked to their friends too...but I’ll talk to anyone 🤣

However, you were there when DH said what he said and if it sounded mean then you need to talk to him about that &hiw his attitude hurt you.

Iggly · 07/04/2019 19:11

He could have at least missed out the part about it being weird.

It isn’t weird to support your wife/partner?!?!?

Yes it might be a drag but what’s weird about it??

Soozikinzi · 07/04/2019 19:14

I think everyone's family is a bit weird to someone else so there was no need for that comment and of course we all feel defensive of our families weird or not !

Original poster

Taylorsu · 08/04/2019 11:38

Host and sibling both circulating most of night, spouse sat with parents, most people were sat in small groups just talking to each other - it wasn't like a house party where everyone is mingling, this was a big function room where everyone sat in their group at a table at the start. There wasn't really any way to talk to other people. Plus a lot of people there had small children/ babies so were busy entertaining them.

I was glad I went because I have very little family left. My partner seems to think that the only family worth bothering with are parents but of course if his had died 25plus years ago like mine he might feel differently.

OP posts:

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