Why weren't we enough?

[SaraEB]

My husband and I separated last year after 17 years together. I was very unhappy as I felt unloved and unwanted and felt like he had no interest in me as a person or as his wife. He didn't want to spend time with me or as a family with his son. I thought that he would never change and after a lot of soul searching decided I had to leave, for myself and so that our son didn't think that was how relationships should be. He very quickly (about 3 months later) met someone new and has been seeing her for about 10 months. They do things at the weekend with our son and her son, he's taken her away for a romantic weekend abroad, he told me she's blown him away; he's basically treating her how I waited and waited to be treated and I'm devastated. I feel as though I wasn't worth it and our marriage wasn't worth it and I'm so incredibly sad for my little boy as his family isn't together anymore and his dad didn't see the need to change for that reason either. I know nobody can really answer this but why weren't we enough for him to change?

When people ask themselves questions like 'why wasn't I enough' my go to thought is 'I wonder if they were with a narcissist?' (narcissistic personality disorder). These sorts often 'move on' quickly after relationship ends and make a big show and dance of spoiling them...and say cruel things like 'she's blown me away' (or basically anything cruel that implies 'you weren't good enough'). So it's possible that you may have been dealing with a narcissist.

Or it's possible that he is just an insensitive jerk who has been swept of his feet by a new romance.

Either way, he'll be the same knobhead with her in time. You can count on it.

You are well shot. You are good, you are good enough. You just weren't the right fit for eachother.

Awful for you, particularly as he’s finally giving attention to your son via this new relationship.

You did the right thing. Absolutely.

It’s hurtful now but his relationship is new. It will change. My worry is that he’s upped his game with your son but can he sustain it? Is he using ds to impress this new person?

For you - it’s hurtful now but you can move on.

He sounds a bit like my ex. Really I’m lonely, but not as lonely as I was in that marriage. That spurs me on.

You are enough 🌷

He is the one lacking, not you.

It’s hard to see that though & it really hurts, but you will see that in time he’s back to being the detached twat he was with you.

Thank you, I know you're right - it's him not me. It just doesn't feel that way at the moment! One thing I can say is that he is a good dad, he's generally had to be more hands on since we separated as I'm not there when it's his time to have ds and I do think that their relationship is stronger for it. I really don't want to end up a bitter ex wife but it's really hard not to feel very bitter sometimes!

Maybe he reflected on your marriage, learned something about himself and vowed to do better next time.

Unlikely I know. But it's a possibility, and the thought might help you find peace.

Either way, it is most definitely not because there's anything wrong with you

If you can remember back to the beginning of your relationship was he attentive and romantic then? We all change over time, the first excitement fades a bit and we start to take each other for granted. It takes both partners to work at sustaining a relationship and if your husband was too lazy (or careless) to stay committed that is his deficiency not yours.

It is obvious that he is playing 'happy families' with your DS and his new partner's son. He may genuinely be a good father and continue his involvement but I would watch carefully that if/when the novelty wears off your DS doesn't become a casualty.

My ex now makes a lot more effort with both the kids and his new partner than he did before I left. He took me for granted and realises he can't do that now.

I was definitely taken for granted, I was his house keeper and his nanny by the end of our marriage. He couldn't even muster enough interest to have a conversation a lot of the time. I was very lonely and even though I'm alone now I don't feel lonely like that.

It makes me sad and resentful because he clearly is capable of treating someone properly and it should have been me for our marriage/family. He had a lovely little family with me and our son but he didn't value us so ultimately it's his loss, whether or not he realises it. At some point this won't hurt so much and I'll be out the other end and ready to move on. I'm never going to settle for anyone who doesn't make me feel amazing and hopefully at some point I'll meet that person and they will get the benefit of the awesome wife and family that he didn't appreciate. Well that's what I hope anyway!

The one good thing is that my son has blossomed since we separated and so as guilty as I feel for breaking up his family and as resentful as I feel to my ex for putting me in the position where I felt I had no choice, I do believe that it was the right, if incredibly difficult, decision to make.

I know it hurts OP but his relationship of less than a year is far too new to say anything about whether he’s a better partner to her or not. It’s their honeymoon period. In five years time you’ll see whether he’s still able to sustain this or back to his default. You’re enough 💜

Don't worry, men like this only make the effort when they're getting new, fresh sex! When the lust wears off (as it does in nearly every relationship after a few years), his efforts towards his new woman will tail off too. And then he will probably be on the lookout for the next bird!

There's nothing wrong with you - your relationship just aged, that's all. And unfortunately some dickheads can only be bothered to make the effort whilst it's the honeymoon stage. It makes them feel better about themselves when they're with someone who doesn't know them too well and can't see through all of their shit yet - that way they can convince themselves that they're an "awesome guy!"

Chin up OP. He's just another selfish man...