how to encourage DH and Dc to share chores

[thatsnotmynewusername]

Not sure this is the right place but it kind of covers parenting and relationships.
At weekends I sometimes feel resentful at the amount of time I am spending on chores some of which could easily be shared.
DH is self employed and works probably 45-48 hours a week.(Mon-Fri) I work 28 hours a week but often do accounting, Vat returns etc at home. I organise pack lunches, school trips,breakfast and after school clubs, out of school activities, school holiday child care, parents evenings, and general kids admin.
My DC are 13 and 9. I ask them to unload the dishwasher 3-4 times a week, put their own plates, cups etc in the dishwasher when finished and put dirty clothes in the laundry basket. (i didn't think this was that unreasonable?) Every day I have to remind them to put plates/cups in the dishwasher. Every day I find wet towels, dirty clothes, snack wrappers etc lying around. Recently I spent a few hours in DDs room helping her to sort out/tidy up and found several pairs of dirty socks stuffed in a drawer. No one else feeds the cats unless I ask them to despite the cats making it clear they need food!
DH often cooks because he enjoys it and finds it relaxing. He mainly cooks things that he knows DC don't like, so often he is cooking when I have already cooked and tidied up. There are always pots, pans and ingredients out. I wouldn't expect him to do any chores after work because it is often late when he gets in. He doesn't put any clothes away and usually leaves them in a pile on the floor "because he is going to wear them the next day"
Last weekend I wrote a to do list and asked if we could divide the chores. He said he would hoover but got distracted by his hobbies and then decided he needed to put a painting on the wall!
I feel like the default setting is everyone is expecting me to tidy up after them. DH suggested getting a cleaner but I know I would still be the one that had to tidy up before the cleaner came. I don't mind cleaning, I do mind that everyone expects me to sort out their mess before that can happen!
Am I wanting the impossible?? is it totally unrealistic to think that any of them would do anything without being asked or reminded?

I’m sorry but I think working 45-48 hours a week is a major contribution to family life. Maybe drop your standards ?

Mine are the same age as yours (but no husband sorry!)

The each have jobs they have to do daily

13: feed cats, check/change cat litter tray, fill dishwasher

9: feed dog, empty dishwasher

They both know these are their jobs and although sometimes need reminded, they don’t complain.

They both also have a day for doing their own laundry. They also need reminded about this but they do it.

I will also just ask them to do other tasks on an as and when basis such as taking the bin out, tidy the living room, hang the laundry out, wipe round the bathroom.

They do still leave a mess sometimes and have to be called back to clear it. Bathroom floor seems to be a regular dumping ground. I don’t know why, the laundry basket is in there!!

There is usually some leverage if they complain like not getting sweets for DVD night and reminding them that everyone has to chip in whether it’s a job we want to do or not.

He doesn't put any clothes away and usually leaves them in a pile on the floor "because he is going to wear them the next day

Leave them there. They’re his clothes. If he wants them on the floor that’s where they'll stay. Crumpled and dirty and unwashed for when he realises he needs them.

Leave home and stay with relatives for two weeks. Take the cats with you.

I don't think you're being unreasonable expecting your family to muck in.

I have 3 children under 10, they have chores and expected behaviours, if you will.
Things like putting pots in the washer, clothes away, keeping bedrooms tidy are expected, for us that's how life works.
Chores are things like feeding the dogs, tidying the garden, helping to clean the car.

We both work full time and things are split equally for us, with the ex he expected me to do everything (1950's man!) and it was soul destroying.

Can you have a conversation with him about it? IMO house stuff is everyone's responsibility

People see different things. I'm not excusing them but eg your DH is just not bothered by piles of dirty clothes on the floor but it does irritate you. You can see (hear?) the cat needs feeding but your DC just don't.

You can either carry on doing everything and being annoyed with them, stop doing half these jobs but be even more annoyed at the mess or set up a rota, accepting you may need to do a bit of reminding at least at first. Ideally, you can get agreement from your DC which chores they want to take on. Your DH works long (ish) hours but it sounds as if the total hours you work exceeds that. It would be helpful if he showed a good example to the DC. Again, a serious discussion is needed.

I think as he works 20 hours a week more than you (not inc VAT returns etc) and if he does a lot of the cooking then it doesn't seem unreasonable that you do most of the rest of the housework. He's also suggested getting a cleaner which seems reasonable.

He doesnt do a lot of the cooking, it sounds like he doesn’t do any of the cooking for two hungry teenagers.
The op presumably also does most of the parenting as well as accounting in her non working hours. Op, everyone else should be doing more. Can you estimate how many hours you are spending on the accounting , shuttling dc around, planning for them, cooking just for them etc to better be able to put your case?
I’d expect my dh to: not leave piles on the floor, that’s disgusting. Cook food everyone will eat. Do something every night really. Do substantive chores on the weekend.
The dc should be on a roster for helping prepare and tidy up after meals, and there should be minimum expectations of their room (including hoovering) and you aren’t driving them to a friends / football / funding them / etc unless that happens.

My Dh is a complete workaholic and works ridiculous hours. He still keeps things tidy, puts all his clothes in his wardrobe or washing basket, empties the dishwasher every morning and often today the kitchen after I’ve cooked.
Out Dds have now left home but they had to do the dishwasher every evening, from 14, do their own washing and ironing, change their own bedding, and generlalay tidy up after themselves.

OP if I were you I’d write a list of what everyone is responsible for, talk to them about what is expected, put the list on the fridge and then you’ll need to take a deep breath and just leave them to it. I had to do this with my teenagers, it took them about a week for the chaos to build up before they noticed they had no clean clothes and couldn’t find anything because it was so untidy. They have to get to the “chaos” point before they realise why they need to do their jobs.

Don’t listen to people telling you everyone else’s mess is your responsibility! Just pity them for their very low standards re how they allow others to treat them.

My two cents worth. Stop doing the accounting at home. Go into the office at set times each week. VAT isn’t paid by fairies so make yourself visible. No excuses.

Dd has her chores but does need reminding. One might say nagging. But that’s par for the age and stage. Again, be visible with your not doing it.

And Dh can cook for the family regularly. You are a family, for crying out loud. He doesn’t have a personal restaurant. Anything snazzy can be done for dinner parties when the effort can be justified.

Hold firm OP. Totally reasonable request and I work 50 hrs per week but still do at least 50/50 at home.

The accounting is a good one. If it really isn’t feasible that you go into the office, suggest paying someone actual money as no one values your doing it.

I think as far as your kids go YANBU. Unloading a dishwasher takes 10 mins max so I don't see why they shouldn't be able to do that and put clothes in for washing. Your husband does work a lot so I probably wouldn't expect him to do general housework but it's simply manners to put tings in the dishwasher and his clothes in for washing. Could you have a family conference and discuss how you're feeling?

Thank you for all the replies.
My own ideal would be that each person would put their own dirty plate/cup in the dishwasher (or at least by it if its full/on) tidy away ingredients if they have prepared food and deal with their own clothes. I kind of don't see these as chores as such if they are done as they go along, as they literally take seconds at a time. I don't have super high standards, (my parents and IL would think it was hilarious that someone suggested i lower my standards! 😂) i didnt think putting your own dirty socks in the laundry or wanting a clothes free floor in my bedroom qualified as unusually high standards.
Its the monotony of picking up everyones sports kit, from the hall, dumped socks, fleeces, coats, piles of clothes, discarded crisp wrappers, food that they have used and not put away, cup/plate etc that becomes a chore for me if that makes sense.
I do (and quite expect to) all the washing, ironing, sorting out school iniform and kit, most shopping, cooking for DC , cleaning etc but if the to do list looks a bit long over the weekend i suggest DH does maybe 1 or 2 things (that would take an hour at most)

You don’t have high standards, just normal ones!

As I posted, write down the things each person needs to do, talk to them about it, put list in fridge then leave them to it.

DO NOT PICK UP ANOTHER PERSONS UNDERWEAR OR SPORTS KIT EVERY AGAIN! They will soon learn to do it themselves.

I have seen some great ideas recently about kids chores. One was a list of daily chores that the children need to complete to be given the password for the WiFi.

Another idea was chores written on popsticks. Each chore is allocated screen time e.g. wiping kitchen bench tops may be worth 5mins, empty dishwasher 10mins, feed cat 5 mins etc

Teaching hubby to do chores is tricky. My hubby and I have very different comfort level with mess. He could wade through clothes to get to the bed and not notice or care. He also thinks me changing sheets weekly is excessive. He would happily leave it months!

A few ideas - have your kids have their own jobs as mentioned by a PP ie the older one feeds the cats every day plus other jobs.

The younger one has their own jobs. If they know that those are their jobs and they have to be done every day they are less likely to forget and to just accept that is the way.

Have a serious sit down chat with the kids about dirty washing, coats, bags etc, anything that you want changing. Do you have any bargaining power to add to your request that they behave respectfully ie with regard to pocket money or something similar.

Have a proper sit down chat with your husband. Do not let him get away with his unhelpful cooking, his leaving clothes everywhere. Tell him it is not respectful and it makes him seem like a teenager which frankly is not attractive.

Best of luck!

He should pick his clothes up but if DH worked 20 hours less than me id expect him to do pretty much most of the household stuff.

Reading your post made me quite cross OP. What comes across to me is a fundamental lack of respect for you and what you’re doing. Of course it’s reasonable to expect dishes to be put in the dishwasher, clothes to at least be in the dirty and rooms to be kept reasonably tidy. Cooking something essentially for himself and leaving all the pans out is just plain selfish. And he only cooks because it suits him and he finds it relaxing, not to add anything to the household.

If your husband uses the excuse that he works loads, that to me belittles your contribution. He can’t even be bothered picking up his clothes! Would you feel better if he acknowledged your contribution and said thank you?

I’d still expect him to pick up after himself though. My seven yr old knows to put her dishes by the sink, clothes in the dirty laundry and take responsibility for tidying up her own toys. I work long hours too and I don’t expect her to tidy up after me because of that.

If it helps, my general rule is that she takes responsibility for the things that I wouldnt have to do if she wasn’t there. Packing her own school bag for instance, and remember what she needs to take each day (I put up a chart on the wall so she knows). Within reason of course, she is only seven, but I will increase her responsibility as she gets older.

Get a cleaner - my family are very much the same - except my Dh only works 6 hours more than me and not very long hours. The picking up drives me mad but at least I don't have to clean the bloody place too.

Call the kids back to the kitchen every single time they don't put a cup or dish in the dishwasher. .I've done that in the past. Ive also posted photos of the offending items on our family WhatsApp. 😅.

One thing I notice is that if one person leaves a dish on the side it's like a green light for everyone else to do the same.

I wouldn't pick up people stuff from the hall floor. I'd call them to do it. It's more work in the short term but they will hopefully learn.

I don't think your expectations of what they should do are unreasonable now that you have explained them a bit more.

Get a nice wicker basket for the bedroom and carefully dump anything he hasn’t put away in there at the end of the day. ( mine still hasn’t noticed me stamping on this after 20 years of marriage 😂). Give children pocket money and then charge a nominal amount for reasonable chores they haven’t done. Eg put dirty clothes in wash basket Empty school bag.... if I do it I charge 20p .....I got this from 123 magic and it works really well stop nagging, either it’s done quickly without fuss or you do it and gradually get back pocket money over the week. Get a cleaner bizarrely they will probably tidy up for them.

I wouldn’t pick up people’s stuff, unless it was to put in a bin bag with everything else left in the floor.

I'm in your position OP except I'm the one doing the 45+ hours per week whilst my OH is doing part time. OH does have health issues which impacts on the possible contribution but I'm constantly frustrated at having to do the cooking, cleaning, most of the washing, all the ironing, all the driving (oh won't drive far). I'm going to have to use the WiFi trick to get my boys to do their chores.