What do I do about passive aggressive father of my child?

[Sohardtochooseausername]

You may or may not be aware of previous threads but here’s the basics of where I’m at.

My ex partner cheated on me from the time I met him to around the time my daughter was born, and then again with another woman for the last 4 years.

So in the 10 years together he was cheating on me for about 5. The first woman’s husband contacted me to tell me about eg affair which was hideous and I wish I had left him then, as I was stalked by the guy and felt like a complete fool.

The second woman I just knew was happening and when I confirmed it last summer (it had been going on for nearly 3 years) I said enough is enough.

However my ex DID NOT MOVE OUT

He stayed and basically tortured me for over 9 months.

He moved out in March after I went complete banshee on him and he realised he had to go.

I earn twice as much as him and am now paying the mortgage, childcare, bills, everything.

He wouldn’t sign the separation agreement I paid a lawyer to put together - but nor would he get his own lawyer, which would mean we had a grown up conversation about how we do the money and the child access.

He does not ask me for access to our daughter.

Today was meant to be 24 hours with him and she said she didn’t want to go. I said he could come and hang out at our house because she was ok with that but then he treated it like he was babysitting and got annoyed with me when I stayed in the house to tidy up (which is what I was going to do if she was out) and he also gave me a curfew when I went out for dinner.

When I got home I said so what about tomorrow morning, he says it’s raining so it’s pointless. I say you’re supposed to be her parent tomorrow morning regardless, so he just goes, let’s see how we are in the morning. I’m saying no, you’re supposed to have her tomorrow morning. You haven’t spent time with her all week. They watched tv together from 2 till 7 today. He says “So you want me to look after her for how long? What time will I pick her up?”

This week he asked me to pay for the car insurance and I said no. The car is his and I’m a named driver on his insurance. I can also drive my mum’s car. I got arrested 2 years ago because he’d forgotten to pay the insurance. He’s really annoyed with me for saying I won’t pay his car insurance.

When he left he didn’t pack. He took enough stuff for a week. He said he’d come back for it in drips and drabs. I’ve packed everything and left it in the lobby. He’s really annoyed about that.

I’ve been so stressed about his general shit for the last however long that it’s affecting my behaviour at work and I’m being put on a performance plan.

This guy doesn’t look like a no-hoper. He is 47 years old and has a professional job. He’s torturing me. Our 6 year old thinks he’s boring.

Is there anything I can do?

I should also say, ‘persuading’ him to move out was mega. I think he’d happily have slept on the floor forever. The last 3 weeks he didn’t even pay for the privilege.

Who’s name is the house/flat in? Were you married? Are you in the UK?

I am in the uk. Our house is jointly mortgaged. He stopped paying his share of the mortgage and bills a month before he moved out. We were never married.

Sounds like a nightmare! With regards to money etc are you hoping to stay in the house if so can you buy him out? If not sell ASAP and ensure you get maintenance via the CMS.

I suppose you cannot force him to see/ have your Dd as sad as that is so I'd stop communicating with him about that.

I think for your own sanity you need to distance yourself as much from him as possible.

For Passive Aggressive read Abusive. These people thrive on our confusion. I strongly recommend you take a look at the Women's Aid website and educate yourself about domestic abuse. There is no real communication with someone who is passive aggressive. Whatever you do, remember it's not your fault he's like this. It is absolutely crazy-making.

Domestic Abuse is so common. Please do not be alone with it and reach out as much as you can. Keep a diary. You may well need it. Don't stay silent about what is happening in your life. If you have any work colleagues you can confide in it may help. At the moment you sound as though you are being crushed.

My exh used our house as a place for contact for around 9 months. It drove me up the wall. Very similar things - just putting the tv on and moaning about not knowing what he was supposed to do with the kids if the weather wasn’t good enough to go to the park. Also phoning me up shouting when I went out about how much longer I was going to be. It isn’t easy with people like this. Have you made any decisions about the house? Do you have any preferences?

When I say went out, I don’t mean the evening. I mean going and doing the weekly food shop

Do you have a garage you can store his belongings. My ex did the same. Thought he would just pop in and out as he liked. I just gathered all his stuff and put it into storage. Out of my way.

As for contact. Agree a routine. And if he is a no show then he doesn't get contact until the next time. I know it feels harsh. But you need to put boundaries in place. Does he have a place to take dd? If not say every Sunday is your contact day. And have dd ready to go out the door at ten. If he doesn't show up you go off out with dd and do your own thing. I know this means you get no free time. But hopefully he will quickly step up. It took a while for my ex to get the idea but he now has dc eow 10am sat -6pm Sunday. There is no swapping or changing. (Usually for his drinking/social life). You. Miss a week. Tough.

Would he go to mediation. You needs to get the house sorted quickly. If you can.

Cms for child support. Let them sort it.

Then go low contact. He knows when his contact is. There is no reason for you guys to communicate further.

It isn't easy. You have to take control of the situation. And it has taken me over a year to find peace with my situation. But for my own well being I had to put boundaries in place.

I think you need to stop engaging with him and facilitating this behaviour in your home. Will you buy him our of the mortgage? I've posted this link on a few threads but it really is sound advice. beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
If he doesn't call to arrange access to DC then leave it. He certainly isn't babysitting them for you and that clearly how he sees it. If he wants to he will arrange a pick up and drop off on a regular basis. You've come this far to get rid, follow through.

Good advice on here. I'm really sorry it is impacting your performance at work. You have been way too giving to the detriment of your mental health. Please put yourself and your child first. Get rid of him properly, you'll be better off for it - separate everything properly (there's no way you should be paying his car insurance).

You need to start divorce proceedings and get all the financials/house/child contact sorted.

Weejo has an excellent link.

You need a lawyer and Women's Aid.

And I agree that he is being abusive. Not passive aggressive.

You will never move on as long as he is there.

Thanks everyone. Good insights and ideas from many of you. I started therapy today and the ambiguity around whether he is abusive or not is something I want to explore so I can understand how to get past it. I don’t want to have mental health problems and I’m clearly getting some as a result of the stress and anxiety.

The 180 - I can’t really understand how it works if it’s 9 months after I confronted him and a few weeks after he’s moved out. And we have a child. And he lives at the end of the road.

Oh this is horrible. But I’m feeling there is a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere, when previously I was just shut off and despairing.

The 180 should still work for you. Keep busy, don't engage unless it's about the children, keep it bright and breezy, show him you're busy and have a life, make plans and don't discuss with him. It'll drive him crazy.