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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex threatens contact so doesn’t pay maintance

19 replies

Notarayofsunshine · 06/04/2019 14:50

My ex who was incredibly abusivr throughout our relationship ship left a few years ago after being in an out for years a lot of which was during my pregnancies. This with the drinking and shouting was obviously a blessing in disguise although it’s very tough some days.

He has the DC on weekends except when he’s travelling for work / holidays when I will have them or a lot of the time his parents help out.

In the years we’ve been separated he’s not contributed a penny towards maintencr and I pay the majority of childcare as I have them during the week.

He threatens me with court over money I spent during our relationship and says because he has them in the weekends it’s about equal hours so shouldn’t have to pay.

He is very verbally abusive if I bring this up.

His girlfriend obviously has no idea what a prick he is which although a non issue as it’s made him less included to drunkenly call and rant at what a shit I am but it still irritates as he treated me like shit and had told everyone that I am completely batshit.

As we were never married and don’t have a court order in place can I still claim maintenance as practically this is a necessity. I am expecting him to contest it if course and refuse although the current contact set up is what he demanded when he left.

I am exhausted by him obviously and communicating with him always ends up feeling like an assault. The relationship was traumatic so I am dreading have to sort this out with him.

Any advice would be helpful.

OP posts:
Blgb · 06/04/2019 14:54

Threatens you with court for money you spent in your relationship? What kind of money?
If your not together and he only has them on weekends he wouldn't have a leg to stand on by not paying maintenance. My DP has another child from a previous relationship and we have him once a week and he pays regular each month!

cookingonwine · 06/04/2019 14:57

Sounds delightful.

No he can't claim money back.

Go to CMS

Notarayofsunshine · 06/04/2019 15:01

Money when I was on mat leave. Yes he is a delight a nasty one at that.

So even if it’s not gone to court I can claim maintenance. He is going to go ape shit but the costs right now are killing me and he earns far more than I do.

OP posts:
madroid · 06/04/2019 15:02

Can you investigate legal aid for a solicitor. Otherwise only communicate by email?

He can't take you to court for money spent when you were together. A court would not give it time. On the other hand you can go to court for maintenance. And he won't pay it until you do.

mulberrybag · 06/04/2019 15:02

He's holding false power over you in the knowledge that you will believe every word out of his shitty mouth.
Go straight to the relevant bodies to get proper legal advice and start claiming for the maintenance he owes you. Don't be bullied any longer, maintenance is worked on nights with each parent etc not on how much money you spent whilst you were with him. There is not a cat in hells chance that that will be taken into consideration when working out providing for your children!
Please be strong and fight this total dickhead

theworldistoosmall · 06/04/2019 15:05

Him taking you to court and you claiming maintenance are two different things.

CMs won’t give a shit about court as they seperate.

If he wants to waste cash on a frivolous court case for money during the relationship let him.

Blgb · 06/04/2019 15:10

😂😂😂 what a bellend! I love how he thinks he can take you to court for that. He's obviously incredibly stupid if he thinks that would stand up in a court of law, did he keep all of his receipts? 😂
Get to the CSA and take him for every penny you can, and ensure that he has DC's every weekend if that's what's agreed. (That way you won't shoot yourself in the foot)
Also keep a record of any communication you have with him, txts etc so you have evidence of what he's said and done

Notarayofsunshine · 06/04/2019 15:12

If we split contact 50/50 what happens then as the financial burden is very much on me and it’s so stressful that our quality of life is diminished. It pisses me off he gets of Scott free but I relieved to be free of such a bully. He made me feel like complete shit and so alone! This is an extension of his appalling treatment it’s feel like as he really did act like he hated me all the time.

OP posts:
Notarayofsunshine · 06/04/2019 15:14

He doesn’t want them all weekend although that’s what he demanded and doesn’t want to pay either it’s his way or the highway with lots of abusive in between if things don’t work out the way he wants.

I’m exhausted by it all and the DC don’t get the mother the deserve as a result of his selfishness.

I’m angry and feel bad for that as it’s not helpful.

OP posts:
Blgb · 06/04/2019 15:15

If we split contact 50/50 what happens then

He still has to pay maintenance. It would be less but like someone said it goes on how many nights are spent with the father to how much they think he should pay

Blgb · 06/04/2019 15:18

You can use this link to get an idea?
www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

Notarayofsunshine · 06/04/2019 15:19

Wow even if it’s 50/50 he is such a lying bastard!

OP posts:
Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 06/04/2019 15:21

If he's abusive, you can get help with legal costs.

Women's Aid can help you too, I think.

Notarayofsunshine · 06/04/2019 15:23

I didn’t know I could get legal aid.

And yes I feel he’s very abusive although he tells me I am the abusive one.

I’m constantly told to go and f*cl myself on text so he bullies me into backing down. Well that’s how I feel I’m them told I’m gaslighting him so for years have just gone along with what he’s demanded as I have no support system with the DC

OP posts:
Usermynamenow · 06/04/2019 15:25

The process of applying for child maintenance is fairly straightforward - you’ll need to phone Child Maintenance Options first on
“0800 988 0988 and speak to one of our trained consultants
chat online with one of our consultants through our Live Chat service if you prefer
Opening hours
We're here (excluding bank holidays):
Monday to Friday – 8am to 8pm
Saturday – 9am to 4pm.”

They will want you to set up your own arrangement, so you tell them that’s not possible and you want to go through the CMS. Once you’ve spoken to the Options people they’ll give you a reference number for CMS. Phone CMS and start the process.

Good luck.

Singlenotsingle · 06/04/2019 15:28

Of course you can claim maintenance for the dc, but not for yourself.

Says he wants to sue for money spent during your relationship?Confused He's mad as a box of frogs.

Doesn't he understand children are expensive? Food, nappies, formula, clothes, shoes, nursery fees, trips and outings, clubs, scouts, holidays etc. I bet he doesn't pay for any of this stuff on his weekends?(ok, maybe food). Maybe write out a list of what you spend over the next couple of months? It would be interesting if nothing else.

Notarayofsunshine · 06/04/2019 15:33

No I would rather die than spend his money on things for me I want nothing from him beyond fairness and things for the DC I buy the majority of their clothes always have and so do his parents although they spend a fair amount of time there.

He does t want to give me money as he resents it although it’s definitely not for me!

I work full time to support them but it’s chalkenging some days and I have no help. My choice to have DC and my own fault for having them with such an arse I accept that of course!

OP posts:
lovinglifexo · 07/04/2019 21:18

Just want to add

If contact is 50/50 you WOULD NOT get child maintenance !

Cherrysoup · 07/04/2019 23:43

It wasn’t just your choice to have dc. He had sex with you so his choice too, if he didn’t take precautions and even then, nothing is 100%.

Go to CMS. Him having them at the weekend does not go anywhere near being equal to you having a house for them and paying for clothes/food/activities/bills for 5 days+ a week. He’s an idiot. Stop letting him get away with this nonsense!

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