Should I cancel a date for this reason? Or is this why I am single?

[user57424]

I have a problem with men who are too nice to me. Not even too nice sometimes, just nice!

When I am comfortable with someone and the relationship has developed, I love intimate conversations, affection, kindness, a caring nature, etc etc. I am open to it and it doesn't make me feel awkward.

But, in the dating stages I am terrible at dealing with this. I know that can be reasonable if someone comes on too strong etc. this isn't what I mean here though.

tonight for example, he has offered to do whatever I would like - drive and pick me up if I prefer, meet him somewhere, go for a drink, go for a meal, meet for a coffee. he also said if I don't want to chose he will organise it but he wants to make sure I am comfortable with the plans. I have met him before for a short coffee and he knows I like to take things slow. so he is being nothing but nice.

if I was in a relationship with someone I would expect this and like it. but my two significant relationships developed through friends first and one at work. this means that i never had these awkward feelings. i hate the idea that someone would want to drive to see me. i cringe if i think they like me too much. but in actual fact they are just being nice normal people aren't they!

i want to cancel as i am struggling to deal with how nice and understanding he is being. but this is always what happens. has anyone dealt with this before? why do i push people away who want to treat me nicely?

What were your previous relationships like? Any history of abuse?

the ones that lasted a few years each, did not have abuse. recent shorter ones have been very abusive.

even the good relationships i have been in i have been uncomfortable with being happy, it makes me nervous. so while they weren't abusive, i did find things like holidays stressful as i felt pressure to be feeling brilliant. not sure if that is relevant to this but a bit of background.

What was your childhood like?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What do YOU want to do? I think many options is confusing so just decide on what you would like next. If it is a 2nd date then maybe a drink somewhere local so no need to drive.

Perhaps because you do not feel “worthy” or deserving of the nice-ness of this man yet. Do you lack confidence generally?

You may have felt safer as the previous relationships developed with no pressure or expectation, and they therefore knew you before dating. You could be unconsciously assuming once he knows you that he won’t be nice ?

If it is a confidence issue, then address it by asking to do something you’re comfortable with like bowling or perhaps an interesting location so you have something to talk about / do without the intense talking required from a meal out.

i don't lack confidence generally with work or friends. i can be quite outgoing and the life and soul of the party (if i am in the right frame of mind, other times i like to be alone and quiet).

i like this man but obviously after only having met him once i cant be sure i want to see him again i don't think? i never feel like that after one date. but i figure that's what i need to do to get to know someone? so no i don't feel like going and i am on edge about it but i am interested in him too.

parents have a great relationship. i never really felt secure as a child growing up, in the emotional sense. all inconsistent and never felt like anyone was there for me, despite being showered with things, money, general love and attention with academics.

I have felt like that about happiness - it can't last, its the precursor to something crappy happening, i can't relax and enjoy being happy because i'm on edge waiting for the "bad thing" that always follows.

In my marriage, this is always what happened, because my exH always did something that curtailed my happy feelings. In my two subsequent proper relationships, i've allowed myself to be happy, and been able to let myself feel that i am as important to my partner as he is to me.

That last bit is REALLY significant. If you value yourself, then you feel of value in the relationship. Then, it doesn't feel weird when someone treats you well, it feels like the right thing.

Good luck. Honestly, it feels wonderful when you allow yourself to relax into being treated well by a good man. Please give it a go.

You don't sound ready to date. How about some counselling instead?

i am in counselling and it is helping.

i can sometimes feel that place of being worthy of being valued. im also good at pretending too. but when ii worry and have anxiety it all falls away and i can only think of bad things that might happen.

Thank you for answering my question, if you’re confident generally doesn’t always reflect how you feel in a situation. Lots of people have very good masks. Not feeling that you deserve happiness in a relationship and feeling uneasy when you are happy, might be worth talking to a counsellor about. It sounds (to the untrained ear) like you don’t value yourself enough.

Specifically about your date, if you aren’t ready to date then you might want to be honest and say despite liking him that you’re not ready. No point being stressed about it, especially if you’re just out of a previous abusive relationship.

Wishing you well

Apologies x post

Honestly? You're just getting first-date jitters. Everyone gets this. You're just not accustomed because previous relationships came about through a different route.

Don't overthink it. Just put on a nice outfit, take a deep breath, and enjoy.

Totally agree with waytooearly

Oh god, I could have written this.

In established relationships I love affection and it comes fairly naturally. But until I really know somebody, I cringe at the slightest hint of it. A touch makes me jump, a suggestive comment makes me clam up, any sort of romantic gesture sends me into a spin. Being picked up, taken to a restaurant and having dinner together is my idea of a nightmare. Flowers... argh! The more they apparently like me, the less I like them and the more anxious I feel.

I have also been in abusive relationships, two in fact. But this stood out to me:

i never really felt secure as a child growing up, in the emotional sense. all inconsistent and never felt like anyone was there for me, despite being showered with things, money, general love and attention with academics

I never felt secure either. What struck me about this is that I was also given presents and money, as a way of ‘making up’ for everything else. These gifts used to make me feel dirty, but I felt I had to act grateful and felt that I ought to be grateful because they’d spent this money on me. It meant that I associated ‘nice things’ and ‘spontaneous’ gifts with all the turmoil I had inside me. For me, I think this is the root of my discomfort around gestures and affection from people I don’t yet feel secure with.

Does any of that ring true for you?

They always say give it a few dates with someone (unless it was a definite no). You are right not to get carried away either.

What would feel like a comfortable second meeting to you?

Maybe just go for a low to key option - a bite to eat and a drink?

How did you meet? If its online I wouldn't let him pick you up.

If you accept the lift, you don't owe him anything.

Do what you feel comfortable with.

Wow OP, we sound so similar! I also had an outwardly good but emotionally cold upbringing where my parents (father especially) substituted money for affection. I’ve had a few relationships that have been abusive, too - but not all.

I start to think of a man contemptuously when he begins acting in the nice way you describe. It somehow makes him a loser in my mind (at least in the early stages - it’s very different when we’re already in a relationship).

I’ve had dozens of first dates, most of whom have wanted to see me again, but I rarely want a second date. It’s all very screwed up. I’m trying to work through it with a therapist at the moment but it’s early days.

sonata that is exactly like me with the second dates! everytime they want to meet again and i am never ever bothered about. yet i want sa relationship so much.

i talked about it with my therapist and they said i do mot associate that approach with consistency and so i am always suspicious of it. i feel more comfortable with someone who is cruel or distant.

i domnt know if it is just a case of being aware of what you are doing and trying to move past it and ignore it until you practise new behaviour?

whilst i wouldn't call my parents cold (although that could be me not acknowledging it), they never ever gave me undivided attention emotionally when i needed it. i always felt alone and never felt secure. my earliest memories are feeling scared and out of control emotionally, always where my parents were concerned.

it is so strange because i had everything, every opportunity etc yet my childhood feels sad when i look back on it. sad, lost and alone. my parents will often tell me they made huge sacrifices for me and my siblings and tell me that i was "a nightmare to bring up" and would often tell me i would cause them to divorce. it has been hard.

It's about tolerating closeness. I think.

I find that being aware of it makes it worse, unfortunately - as the way I feel then becomes impossible to ignore. I also can’t “tolerate” closeness once I start feeling this way about someone; the thought of him touching me makes my skin crawl and I want to run away as fast as possible.

I am also more comfortable with cold treatment or, to be more accurate, men who blow hot and cold. I can’t tolerate it when they’re consistently nice

I actually mentioned to my therapist this week whether it’s possible that deep down I don’t actually want a husband and family - because the way I behave seems to scream the opposite. I think I do want those things - and have become very depressed due to the lack of them - but my behaviour doesn’t match. It’s very frustrating!

I wouldn't invest so much importance in it - it's just a second meeting you are arranging, not your wedding. You don't know yet how much you like him and likewise him with you, so you are meeting up again. And he's not being especially nice to you - he just doesn't know you very well yet and isn't particularly bothered where you meet up, so why not let you choose if you are the one likely to be uptight about it? If you secretly want an extremely opinionated and controlling man, then he might not be sending out the right signals, but otherwise he sounds completely normal, not abnormally nice. As for inconsistency - if you think his behaviour might be inconsistent, I think you are confusing being controlled and directed by others with consistency, and being given space to be yourself with inconsistency.

Hmm, I don't think there is anything wrong with you per se.
I think you are just uncomfortable with the 'fast forwarding' that goes on in (online) relationships today.
We tend to overthink things, rather than just relax into it, like we did before.

Dieu makes an excellent point. I really enjoy sex but the pressure of a man wanting it after 3 or 5 dates or whatever - when you still haven’t spent much time together and don’t really know each other - always makes me uncomfortable.

@SonataDentata

So true. Last 'proper' relationship I was in, was with my ex husband. We met in our early 20s, so that's 20 years ago now.
I made him wait months for sex! On the online dating scene currently, that would be unheard of. I mean, I've always been comfortable to have sex, but it's been after only a few dates
There's something rather sad about it, actually. We're giving something of ourselves, and possibly becoming emotionally attached as a result, before the rest of the relationship has caught up.
Online dating doesn't have the legs for long-term at the best of times, but add early sex into the mix, and it's no wonder the relationships board on here is always busy!

Firstly OP I'm glad you're feeling better than your previous post and up to dating again. Secondly, just accept that kind people are just that, universally kind. And it's not personal, so you're not responsible for his niceness, so don't need to feel cringy about it , that's just who he is and you're lucky enough to have stumbled on him.. happy times!