Funerals....

[StillAgony]

Just a quick question..
Been asked to accompany my ex to his sons father in laws funeral...
Neither myself nor my ex have met the gentleman, but my ex would like to go to support his son and daughter in law.
I still get on with his son and daughter in law, but I'm not sure about going to the funeral of someone I've never met?

Never been in the situation myself but I don’t think I would go to a funeral of someone I hadn’t met x

I going to the funeral of somebody I've never met next week. It's my friend's father. I'm going to support her, and she has asked me to. We had a couple of people at my grandmother's funeral who had never met her, to support my dad. It is a thing.

I'd go to support someone I cared about.

It depends if his son considers you almost like a mum - how long were you in his life for? Also, how close was he to his father in law?

I've no problem going, I'm off work on that day, ...I've just never been to a funeral of someone I've never met, and suppose I just didnt want to intrude...

Musti - he doesnt consider me as a 'mum' type figure, hes not that much younger than I am, and I was only in a relationship with his dad for about 2yrs (step dad, but hes been in the sons life since he was small - sons mum was a good few years older than ex partner, and she died a while ago)
They live at the other end if the country, but we do all get together once in a while to 'catch up'

I usually go to a funeral for the person who has died, but have been to a couple of funerals, to show support for the person left behind, but that would be say if a close friend's partner dies or something.

I think the distance of even your ex from the person that died is a bit of a stretch (unless he coincidently had a close friendship with them too), so for you - who isn't even his current partner, and doesn't have a 'step mum' relationship with his son going would be odd, yes. Bit like funeral tourism.

This is my English view. I have read on here many times that Irish funerals are attended by everyone who ever spoke to the person or passed them in the street, so, if you are in Ireland, then the etiquette is different.

Your quite far removed from the person that died.

I think it would actually be weird to go.

Go. Funerals are for the living not the dead. You go to support those you care about.
And they are public events anyway, like weddings. Anyone can go.

If it was local I'd consider it, if I was still good friends with your ex. As it seems to be at the other end of the country i wouldn't go, as it would seem pointless to go.

I went to a friends grand mother's funeral to show support for her, I'm not sure in your case I would go. If it was your ex who had lost someone and wanted your support but basically it's your ex's sons wife who has lost someone. Your ex's son is there to support his wife and fair enough wants his dad there to support him but why does his dad need you to support him? Weird imo. So no I wouldn't go.

I'd go. It's about showing support and compassion for the grieving.

I wouldn't go in the circumstances you describe. You don't need to have known the deceased to go to a funeral if you are showing support for someone bereaved. But it seems you are very far removed from actual bereaved people. It's your exH's DIL who has lost her dad. Not your ex, not his son, and you say you aren't exactly a mother figure to his son anyway. Seems like your exH just wants a 'plus one' to keep him company. That doesn't seem like a good enough reason.

No, I wouldn’t go in these circumstances.

The cynical side of me would guess that your ex is using the funeral as way to win you back!

I would only go in those circumstances if it was close to where I lived or I was a close friend of somebody immediately connected to the person who'd died. You're pretty tenuously linked and you'd have to travel a long way. However, I see that your ex asked you to go, so I think it would depend on whether he'd be upset if you declined. Why do you reckon he's asked you specifically - just interested, as it does seem a little odd unless he's harbouring hopes about your relationship?

your ex has asked you to accompany him to his step son's father-in-law's funeral? To what end? I understand he may want to support his step son, although that itself seems a bit ott, but why does he want you to go too?

How long ago did you and ex split up and was it amicable?

We split up around 6mths ago and have stayed on good terms, although initially it was a bit fraught. We run a small business together which requires some contact, mainly by email, but perhaps get together once a month to do stuff that needs doing together.
So we do see each other and I dont think the funeral is a ploy for him to spend time with me.
I've spoken to him this morning, and after reading replies to my post, and my own 'not quite right' feeling about going and not knowing the deceased, I've decided to give it a miss, but have sent a card and some flowers.
Ex says he understands my decision, and he will go on his own.

Good decision. Looks like your x is looking for a travelling companion. I can’t see how your presence would support any of the grieving - in fact would look a bit odd and may raise inappropriate focus or questions at an inappropriate time - eg are you back together etc.